Desperate for advice re DS and exH please

[SuperPixie247]

Good afternoon,

I am looking for some advice for my DS please. I’m really worried about him

ExH and I split up when DS was almost 2. When we met exH was from quite a poor family in a deprived area (he wouldn’t mind me saying so) but he has managed to build himself a good career. Unfortunately, with this his attitude changed too. He became a bit of a bully, confrontational, very “billy big bollocks” is best way of putting it! I know he is like this at work but that overspilled in his personal life too so our marriage ended.

DS is almost 5 now, bit of a handful but a very happy, intelligent, lovely little boy. We split custody maybe 60 me/40 him, this is an informal arrangement but has always worked well. A couple of months ago, DS started coming home in the clothes I had sent him (two days before) unwashed then we had had issues with his teeth cleaning, hair brushing, bathing, food.

A couple of times I have dropped him off now, I have felt worried about leaving him. His Dad was nitpicking over little bits, making him stand in a certain way, repeat things, it was like he was in the army. It was totally unnecessary, felt like he was exerting his power of him for no reason, bullying him almost.

Yesterday I specifically asked him to bathed and he barked it at DS like some army general. Today I find out he didn’t have a bath, he had plain pasta for dinner, bread for breakfast today, he hadn’t done his school tasks, his face looked dirty and his teeth didn’t look clean.

I don’t know what to do. I have spoken to exH before about his teeth cleaning and clothes and just get a load of crap excuses. So utterly crap I can’t bear to listen to them again. I also don’t feel like I can dictate how he speaks to DS is exH’s own home and under his care.

I’m so confused and torn. DS loves his Dad and his Dad would never hurt him. His shitty personality of "I am superior to everyone" just always rears its head. I didn’t think I would find myself in a situation like this. I know I need to speak to exH but I am truly loathe to listen to his BS and get in a huge argument.

Keen to hear advice please

Keep a diary

Then get a court order

Ask school to note if they notice a change in behavior when he’s in schools - clothes/teeth etc

It's not appropriate for you to micromanage contact. Asking your ex to bathe DS was not appropriate. Trying to dictate what he feeds DS is not appropriate. You need to treat your ex with respect - his parenting style is as valid as yours until a court rules otherwise. Trying to dictate to him will just get his back up, quite reasonably.

@StoneColdBitch

It's not appropriate for you to micromanage contact. Asking your ex to bathe DS was not appropriate. Trying to dictate what he feeds DS is not appropriate. You need to treat your ex with respect - his parenting style is as valid as yours until a court rules otherwise. Trying to dictate to him will just get his back up, quite reasonably.

She is not micromanaging contact she is is trying to ensure her child's needs both in terms of being clean and his emotional needs are met.

In the response to the OP, log your concerns with social services and the GP. Details that you have tried to raise it in a non confrontational way with his Dad -ie clothes not washed, etc and describe the response you have had? by email (paper trail)

Unfortunately, plain pasta or not -if he is feeding him -that won't count as neglect. However, not washing him will. Shouting at him -or barking orders -will count as emotional harm or verbal abuse but the threshold is VERY high. Has to be a long pattern of abuse.

So I'd try to resolve it amicably. Email him
Dear Ex husband

I'm raising some concerns with you about our son. A couple of months ago, DS started coming home in the clothes I had sent him (two days before) unwashed then there had had issues with his teeth cleaning, hair brushing, bathing, food. I outlined these to you and you gave the following responses --- but I really wasn't happy with these and felt they were excuses. Our son's welfare must come first.

A couple of times I have dropped him off now, I have felt worried about leaving him.You have been nitpicking over little bits, making him stand in a certain way, repeat things, it was like he was in the army. It was totally unnecessary, it feels like you are bullying him. This is not helpful for both of you to form a loving relationship.

Yesterday I asked if it might be possible for DS to have a bath and you barked it at DS as an order.. Today I find out he didn’t have a bath, he had plain pasta for dinner, bread for breakfast today, he hadn’t done his school tasks, his face looked dirty and his teeth didn’t look clean.

Could you please reassure me that when DS comes to you, that he will be cleaned, feed and treated kindly and that you will support his school tasks.

Yours
Ms Ex Wife

Email and keep a log but log it with SS and GP.

I sent my son with a tiny amount of school homework to his Dad's for the entire half-term. His Dad is a teacher -I have done 300 worksheets of home schooling -he was given 2 worksheets to do and an entire week to do it of holiday -and he did ..............NOTHING. Son would have done it but said "Daddy told me we play in our time, school work is for your time". It's soul destroying but ultimately as crappy as it is -the courts will do very little and most judges have the idea as SCB above -that it's nothing to do with you.

Trying to dictate what a co parent feeds a child is not appropriate. Wanting your child to be fed to a basic standard is clearly appropriate and needs to be acted upon. Plain pasta and toast is not good enough (unless it is the only thing a child will eat). Why is it only the mother's responsibility to provide a balanced diet?

I didn't micromanage the contact. DS loves the bath and exH has no problem giving him one, he may well have been planning it anyway but I just wanted to express DS was a bit sweaty from playing outside.

In terms of his dinner, DS is a good eater and I personally do not think his meals were adequate. He would never not make him dinner but is happy to do the bare minimum.

An email is a good idea, thank you. It gets my point across well without tears or temper. I would hate to start with courts and the likes as (despite how I have portrayed him!) we get on quite well for DS's sake. He can just turn very quickly in situations where he feels like he is not in control or on top.

Things work better with my exH when I plant little seeds without "telling" him what to do. Even when they were still in nappies I would have to say something like "to stop her bottom getting sore I've had to start changing her nappy every 2 hours" instead of "please change her nappy regularly". They're now 14&13 and I still have to speak to him like that 🙄 they don't even have a bedroom at his house, they have to sleep on small 2 seater sofas in the only living room because he turned their shared bedroom into the babies room and then wonders why they don't like going there!!

A bit of an update and a beg for more advice

I took on board what was said and approached exH gently about it and we had a civilised conversation. It got a lot better for a week or so but is as bad again, if not worse now. I can give examples if need be but I am so cross and upset about this. I really thought the conversation would be enough

Am I deluding myself and need to take a more formal approach? I just want whats best for DS in the short and longterm.

It is a difficult situation. And of course you want what is best for your child.

I had similar problem. My kids were sleeping on their dads/gf bedroom floor. No personal care etc. Dad has a very similar attitude to your ex. Children will do as they are told.

For different reasons school raised a safe guarding and social services were involved. They felt that these examples were poor parenting but not enough for them to be concerned. I was the safe guarding factor.

I realise your ds is younger than mine. But I encouraged them to be as independent as they can be. It was less frustrating as they only go eow. So they come back Sunday. Bath/hair wash etc and early night.

Sorry I don't have any helpful advice. Keep documenting your concerns. And seek advice as appropriate.