Worried about returning to work and leaving my baby with mil

[Firsttimemumk]

Hi there I’ve used this site loads for information but never posted before so here goes...

I’m sure to return to work in a few months and the agreement is that the days I’m at work my mil will look after the baby who by that time will be over a year the days I work.

The issue I have is that during covid mil has broken every restriction there is going in peoples houses and allowing people in hers etc and I’ve totally lost respect for her. I’ve been isolating through my whole pregnancy and and super careful about people coming too close to my child.

She tries to cover up her behaviour and flouting the rules but she always slips up and more than not tells me about it thinking it’s not that bad. She’s only held my child once due to the situation after isolating beforehand and has mentioned on numerous occasions about ‘showing off’ my son and taking him places.

I don’t want her taking my child anywhere or showing him off to anyone. I’m a private person and don’t want my child paraded around like an object.
I also don’t want him to have all of his first experiences with his Nanna and not me and his dad.
I worry if the lockdown comes around again she will behave the same way she has throughout putting my child in that reckless unsafe environment and it infuriates me.

ANY advice would be greatly appreciated. She also doesn’t know how I feel because I’m scared if I bring it up I will say something I regret.

Is there a reason you’re not using paid childcare?

I would also struggle to leave my baby with MIL. She has a tendency to break rules that we have (like not putting blankets on the baby when she has a sleeping bag to sleep in). Though appreciate it does work for a lot of people.

I know nursery is expensive, but I think it’s worth it for the socialisation they get, and knowing your baby is with someone qualified.

I would struggle with this too. It doesn't sound like MIL is going to listen to your concerns or change her behaviour. Do you have any alternative childcare options?

I would also struggle.

My MIL is very much "well that's how it was done in my day" and has gone against many of the things I do over the years with my children when she's been around me, let alone if she had them by herself (feeding, sleeping etc). So there's no way I would leave my baby with her alone as it would cause arguments and hassle.

I'm not bashing mILs by the way. If my own mother had been alive still she would have been worse, there would have been no way I'd have left my kids with her either!

Could you use paid childcare instead? It doesn’t sound like she’s prioritised a relationship with your son and her attitude towards him is more like a prized possession than a little person.

I understand you have differences, but it doesn't seem like the issue is actually her at all? You don't want the baby's first experiences to be with her.. but if you're both working you'll have to accept your baby will be having experiences without you, whether that be in a nursery or with your MIL. I also understand being private but what do you actually think she'd do in terms of "showing the baby off"??
Do you want to go back to work?
Are you paying her for childcare?
Is this DP's idea?

If you don’t trust the person you are leaving your son with it’ll never work. I would find alternative childcare.

Like people have said it sounds like you'd be better off with a childminder who you won't have this baggage with

Nursery all day - every day. MIL can see DC when it’s convenient for you. What happens if MIL is sick or she wants to go on holiday? You cannot rely on family help - plus you know MIL probably won’t follow your instructions regarding food, naps etc. Nursery - for your sanity.

Thanks for all your replies. I can’t afford childcare. I don’t think I’ve been fair to her in the first post probably out of frustration. She is a living grandmother and loves to know about him etc but I worry that she will expose him to more risky covid situations should the current situation not be any better. I know I will have to speak to her at some point bt i have no idea how to even raise the issue.
It’s not like I don’t want him to go places with her but I don’t want all of his new experiences to be with her. He hasnt experienced hardly anything because of covid and I want to take him those places myself. She will only have him a very shirt amount of time a week so hopefully this won’t be an issue 🤞🏼

Well you're a bit stuck if you rely on her for childcare. What does DH say?

Yer totally stuck. I didn’t have any concerns before covid his about her looking after him at all. I think covid has been such a huge stressed because I’ve been so careful with him being my first child and honestly I feel so lucky and didn’t want anything to jeopardise that. I haven’t told him how I’m feeling about it. I don’t even think the thoughts gone through his head though. He knows about her flouting but probably assumes it will be way safer in a couple of months. I hope he’s right!

Then I think you really need to speak to your DH about this in detail. It's his mum, why do you have to be the one doing all the communicating with her about childcare? It's something you should have a united front on, and something that I would expect my DP to speak to her about rather than me, as it's his mum.