any advice about coming out?

[riawet]

I am with my dp who is a lovely man but I think I am gay. I fantasize about being with woman sexually. I find my dp attractive but we never have sex and when we do I don't feel anything. I have had previous partners and I have never wanted to sleep with them either. I know I have been surpressing this side of me out of denial.

My biggest fears are having to break up my my dp but also everything that comes with coming out. This would be a shock to everyone. I feel other women may see me as creepy. I have friends who I have seen naked e.g. when we get changed after swimming and I am worried they would think I was sneaky not to mention it before (I wasn't looking!) They have given me no reason to think like this but it is in my head.

I am worried my female friends may think I am into them as we have lots of deep meaningful chats and (romantic) dinners. I think I may retreat from my friends over fear of making them uncomfortable. None of my friends are my type anyway, but could they push away or could I push them away?

I feel there is a bigger stigma against gay women than gay men. All my friends are female and I worry I wont be one of the girls anymore. We bond alot talking about our male partners or hot movie stars etc.

I am also worried my conservative grandma will be disgusted, in fact I know she will be as she has told me her views of gay woman. I also know my dad will be disappointed and convinced it is a phase.

I am also grieving the thought of never being in a relationship with a man again and the security this brings. I understand the dynamics of being in a relationship with a man it is my comfort zone. I love my dp he is my best friend. My relationship now is so comfortable and secure, we make each other laugh and he cares so much. I can't imagine having a similar relationship with a woman. I can't imagine feeling so safe and trusting with a woman.

I also worry about having to come out all the time. If I meet a new friend at some point they will find out I am gay. if I walk down the street holding my girlfriends hand there will be people who find it disgusting.

I also don't know anyone gay who is a women. I don't know how I will find a gay women to date let alone one who will be a good match for me.

I would't come out any time soon, I would wait until I had a girlfriend but this is all so painful I could't stop crying on my walk today.

I want to have a child that I give birth to and is my partners too and this won't be possible dating a woman.

I am gutted for my dp. I am gutted for everything we have built together. I wish with every bone in my body that I liked men and my partner was the one for me.

Hi, although I don't have any advice it sounds like you need to do this. I would start with your partner as he deserves honesty and then take it at your pace. If you were my friend I would support you fully (I definitely wouldn't be looking back over past events or thinking you were creepy!). Good luck however you decide to move forward!

thank you @Ijustlikedthename I really appreciate that you took the time to respond. I am glad you wouldn't look over past events. My partner knows I am sexually confused but not that I have come to a decision yet.

I was debating posting something from the friends POV related to this.

I have a friend who has just come out in her late 30s. I've known her for almost 20 years and never had a clue she was into girls.

I've been wondering how to support her during this time. From your post I can see that one thing I need to be clear about is that I'm not looking over past events, nor am I so egotistical as to imagine she's fancied me all this time lol.

I think you're being very brave facing this. It might be worth seeing if there are any lesbian public figures/ influencers that you could connect with one social media. Some positive role models to help you figure out who you are?

It sounds like you have already crossed a big hurdle by letting your partner know about your confusion. Now to rip off the plaster and you can both look at how to move forward with your lives

I decided I was into women a few years ago. My friends aren't necessarily the same as your friends, but if it helps any, no one I was close to batted an eyelid, despite my worries. I had one tipsy conversation about it with one friend from uni, and that was it.

@Twizbe yes, just incase this helps you with your fried, I think the ideal reaction for me would be friends treating me completely normally and demonstrating that this is the case early on. e.g. I have a friend and we invite each other on completely platonic 'hot dates' to get coffee in the park, if my friend started using different language than 'hot date' and instead invited me for a 'walk in the park' I would recognize the shift and feel awkward. I think also I want them to ask me questions early on in a very non challant way that would normalize me talking about my sexuality. I would appreciate them asking 'so how do you feel now that you are out, are you excited for this new chapter'? Then I would feel it was normal conversation and I could bring up my sexuality in conversation and if I fancied anyone. I would dread no-one brining it up and wondering what everyones questions were. Just my preferences.

Thank you for your recommendations on role models. I would also want a role model who was fun but professional and their sexuality was not front and centre of their conversations but they were comfortable and confident with it. Do you have any recommendations?

@Ijustlikedthename

terrifying but I know it has to happen

Hi OP, sending you strength. Check out the Reddit forum ‘late bloomer lesbians’, and also the Youtuber Alayna Joy who recently came out after being in a relationship with a man for 10 years. You might find some extra inspiration there.

Good luck on this next chapter. You will feel so much better once you have taken the next steps, although I know how wretched you must feel now.

OP you sound quite young from your worries about what your female friends would think.

I am in my 40s and would love one of my girlfriends to come out just because it would be fascinating to talk about it! I have lots of gay male friends, but only one good gay female friend and it doesn't cross my mind that she might fancy me. Not an issue. I love her because she's clever and funny.

Good luck.

My grandmother used to say, "You have to live in the truth. Living a lie isn't even half a life." She was right, as always.

Your true friends will stand by you, and your family will manage just fine. If any of them do feel disappointment, that's their problem, not yours. You simply can't live for anyone but yourself.

I came out at 42 and tomorrow will celebrate the 14 year anniversary of my first date with my wife.
I'm not going to lie - I got mixed reactions initially although interestingly not from my family who didn't bat an eyelid but definitely from friends.
Shock mostly but also my best friend said she felt like she'd 'lost' me as her best friend which made me really sad. We are still good friends but it's never been quite the same. We were incredibly close and like you had 'dates' but she distanced herself from me when I told her about my new female partner almost as if she felt I'd replaced her.
But now pretty much all my friends just accept us as a couple and the fact that my spouse is a woman is irrelevant, we are just us.
I think the biggest issue I have had is my own and that is that - as my partner is a woman - some friends will connect with her rather than me now - for example, when making arrangements to meet up or just checking in with us - in a way they didn't when my partner was a man (hope that makes sense).
Men definitely relate differently to me as well.

@PruneYourRoses thank you I did and it looks like a helpful forum.

@Literallynoidea in my 20s but feel old. Thank you for sharing this is comforting to hear.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad

thank you for sharing your story with me. I would fear I would lose all my friends to something similar. Do you mind telling me how men relate to you differently?

Hi OP

If you have great friends they really won't care about you being gay. My best friend is gay and I'll comfortably share beds, get changed in front of her etc

Thought I'd give some ideas on where you could meet other gay people (although granted some of these will be post covid):

Social Media- so many LGBT groups to join or follow lgbt hashtags
Lesbian Dating Sites- Her, pink sofa, Scissr, gaydar girls
Lesbian Meet up events - not sure where you're located but lots of areas have these as just social events to meet like minded people
Volunteer for a LGBT charity
Specific websites - empty closets is a great site to talk about coming out with others or Gingerbeer's chat room
Pride events
Lesbian bars - again not sure on area but for example lick events in London is specifically for women whereas a lot of gay bars are dominated by men.

Hope this helps!

A good friend of mine came out in her 30s, literally nothing has changed for us, she’s happier than I’ve known her to be and we talk openly about all kinds of relationship type stuff. I’ve never second guessed our friendship - good friends will be happy that you’re happy.

@riawet

Not sure if this is up your street, but one woman slightly famous that I've only recently found out is gay is Jinelle Esther. She's on Instagram.

She is a former Dallas cowboys cheerleader. I love the show on ITVBe called Dallas cowboys cheerleaders: making the team. It's such a silly programme. Anyway, Jinelle is Australian and cheered for them for 5 years (which is a long time) and I think worked for them as well for a year. She was featured quite a bit as well. You can watch her 'highlights' on YouTube if you search Jinelle then and now.

Her sexuality never an issue and it was only when she posted her engagement picture that it was clear she's gay.

I dunno, I think she's cool but maybe not your bag.