What is wrong with me?!

[MeAgainNotMeghan]

Cannot stop thinking about my ex.

Embarrassing he’s not even my ‘ex’ he was someone I was completely in love with i absolutely adored him. We had sex 5 times over 18 months he never asked me out I was constantly trying to get a relationship going but he was a complete playboy.
Not just with me there was plenty of girls he messed around.
Anyway i met my now husband and have married and had children.
Ex carried on being a playboy never properly moving on with his life - same job, lived in same place etc but he did marry and have a baby. I know because I bumped into her a baby group.
I can’t help wonder why her and compare myself with her. I’ve not seen him for a good 5 years and he wasn’t particularly attractive then but atm I am obsessing about him.
About seeing he and him fancying me. It’s like my whole sense of self worth needs to be validated by him finally wanting me and me turning him down.
I know it sounds pathetic and awful but I feel genuinely love sick about him and playing different scenarios in my mind about bumping into him etc

I should add I love my husband and would never ever stray. It’s more of wanting ex to want me so I’m able to finally turn him down if that makes sense all very strange!

It sounds as though you've not properly processed your feelings, maybe some therapy would help. And you've not properly "grieved" for him. Maybe write your feelings out, have a good cry and then throw it in the bin. This might help you to process your feelings.

Yes that does make sense strange why the feelings are so intense all of a sudden

I’ve been looking for him on social media he’s not on there. Weirdly I’m friends with his boss (company recently brought out where he’s employed)

Can’t tell my friends in RL they thought he was a complete tosser 20 years ago they’d think I’ve completely lost the plot if I tell them this!

I had a “kind of” relationship like that in my 20s. I was really just a FWB looking back, but I liked to think that we connected on a deeper level and could have a relationship, but I was kidding myself really.

Eventually I moved away for work. The next comms I got from him, about 18 later was his wedding invitation.

Thank goodness social media wasn’t a thing then. I would have driven myself insane.

The issue is you allowed yourself to pick up any crumbs of attention that this playboy which to me translates to wanker scattered in your direction.

You need to ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be treated this way by him in the first instance. Some people are very happy with extremely casual relationships. They are fine if that’s what both parties want. I’m sure he knew you hung on his every word and he loved the ego boost.

The reason he has settled down with someone else is the same reason you married your DH he loves them enough. We all have to accept that we are not everyone’s cup of tea. What is extremely worrying is how you are dwelling on this.

Sorry, that wasn’t very helpful. It must be difficult bring on the periphery of his life, seeing his wife and friends as part of your daily life. You can’t really make a clean break as I was able to.

I agree with the idea of screaming, crying, tearing up letters /photos/smashing CDs and consigning this man to the past. You’ve moved on, your far, far better than how he treated you.

The issue is you allowed yourself to pick up any crumbs of attention that this playboy which to me translates to wanker scattered in your direction

Absolutely I did. Followed him around like a puppy it was ridiculous so needy, embarrassing.

My life has played out so much better than it would have done with him I know that at a conscious level but my sub conscious keeps pinging ‘remember when...’ ‘that time he...’ 😕

Sorry, that wasn’t very helpful. It must be difficult bring on the periphery of his life, seeing his wife and friends as part of your daily life. You can’t really make a clean break as I was able to

Thank you bike was helpful to listen to your perspective. It’s true we have a lot of mutual friends so I will often see pictures of him on their social media accounts pre lockdown parties etc.
Honestly I don’t even think he would remember me I was one many girls following him around at the time. Why am I thinking of someone would wouldn’t give me a second thought!