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How do I manage the guilt?

2 replies

delsfilofax · 20/02/2021 18:54

Where do I start? I've NC before anyone froths at the mouth 😂 I have 3 primary age children. I'm a single parent after leaving a lazy, work shy, Disney dad 3 years ago. I relocated back to my home town for family and friends support, approx 50 miles away (he didn't turn up to mediation to discover he could have applied for a prohibitive steps order).
Move has helped the oldest immensely as the new school were supportive of the ASC concerns that I had and have encouraged referral and support from CAMHS which has progressed well to a diagnosis of autism.
I have learned a lot recently and have successfully applied for and received DLA and I have just moved into a HA house based on the oldests needs and the impact it has on the younger two. It also reflects the level of overnight care.
I work full time +++ in a professional role.
I have family and friend support (childcare and support bubble for the Covid police).
So I am in a strange position of earning a good salary, with DLA on top and a HA house in a lovely town with great schools and a fabulous sense of community.
But I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn't have the advantages the DLA gives us as a family (less overtime for me so I can be around more for my oldest and more money for tailored activities when the circumstances allow) and a lovely HA house at reduced market rent that I could never afford to buy or rent privately. It's like an imposter syndrome but in my own life. How do I make peace with my good fortune and how it helps my amazing but high needs boy? Have we really been conditioned that a good income, a nice house and a positive future is so wrong and people like me should be crying into their smart price vodka and wondering how they beat the house via a meter? I've been that poor before (ok not the vodka, I prefer gin!) but I feel guilt that things are going week, my kids are doing well/ok and yet I'm 'sponging off the state' I'm some peoples eyes.

OP posts:
MutteringDarkly · 20/02/2021 21:44

Brew it can be tough to get your head round. But your son is thriving now - thanks to extra time and care you give him, and the way you fight for his needs to be met. That takes time, through the day and overnight. You have other children to love and raise too. You have less time for that, because of how things are. You have less time to work, because you'll be caring for your son, attending meetings about his health and his education.

If you are spending your time on him, you're doing it right. Spend the money on things for him, and that includes you being free to devote time to support him. Or set the DLA aside for when he needs something specific. Needs change, and you don't get much warning sometimes, so if you're in a position where you can plan for that then so much the better.

delsfilofax · 20/02/2021 23:42

Thank you @MutteringDarkly for such a kind response. It's appreciated

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