'The chat' with teenage sons...how to approach it!

[FOF44]

So I have 2 boys of 12 and 14. I am fairly open as a mum and have always answered their questions when they were inquisitive about stuff. But now they are teens they dont want to chat in quite the same way, lets face it! I have talked to them about porn, given them books designed to answer teenage boy questions...but they no longer want to ask about sex, and hearing me talk about anything related makes them want to die!! I really want to talk to them more about things tho...to broaden it out to stuff like consent, staying safe, keeping ones partner safe...and also life lessons about relationships too...but just don't know how to do this without them squirming or switching off or both! I've even wondered about writing them a 'letter for life' with all sorts of top tips that they can mull over in their own time. Is this a bit odd or does this sound like a way to make them aware of stuff I feel they need to know?(No dad on the scene.)

In the car or on a dog walk is always good times for me.
To be honest I have rarely had proper chats but drop things in all the time, plus my son speaks to me about his friends situations which then open the discussions up.
I’d go with gentle dropping things in here and there when relevant and asking them leading questions but without anything being too full on.

Are they not conversations that can often be triggered naturally though things in the news or on tv shows? I think sometimes to informal chats from things you have heard can be better than a sit down together type thing

Well done on getting that far. I have similar aged boys and we cant even mention the 'p' word ( puberty) as fingers go in the ears and lots of 'la,la, la, can't hear you!' noises. They both know the basics from school but we cant even talk hairy armpits, let alone anything else!
I'll watch this thread for tips!

Keep talking to them, you've done the right thing bringing up porn and relationships but 12 and 14 is a bit young to be discussing sex in a way that they'll relate to, my sons are 14 (x2) and 18 and I'm open with all of them, the oldest does discuss his relationships with me and I'm sure the other two will in time, you just have to keep the communication open so that they know you're not embarrassed and they can bring anything up with you

Similar situation here - 2 teen DSs with minimal contact with their father. I try to do what PPs have already suggested- little and often and in the context of a general chat about news, TV, etc. Walks are definitely a good time - no eye contact seems to make it less embarrassing for them.

I bring it up when the topic is in the news or the tv. He survives as he can scuttle back to fortnite within a few minutes.

No men here either. It is doable .

Sorry no help but I started years before that age - speaking in an age appropriate way - but we were discussing consent way before the age of 14. We started way before the fingers in ears lalala stage.

I can't recommend this video enough though:'

It's not too young at all.
Especially around consent. Please talk to them about that, if nothing else. They might be embarrassed but will hopefully appreciate it!

Car chats. “ Someone said on mums net ...” “😄

It also depends on their individual personalities as well I think, I’ve got three now adult sons and they were all different regards how they needed/wanted to be “ chatted” to. Two were “ lalala I don’t want to talk about it with you mum” and the middle son wanted to discuss absolutely everything, from how girls manage their periods at school to different “ methods” of childbirth!
I agree with the casual, on a walk, no eye contact and factual approach if they find it embarrassing. But in my opinion they must know/learn/ listen etc

It's tricky. We've had talks on online safety, consent, sexual diversity, porn being unrealistic, real people you know and like being more desirable partners than airbrushed videos. But nothing else. I wouldn't know where to begin. They find out so much online and at school these days.

I reckon my sons would screech "FFS that's obvious!" if I tried to have a chat like that.

@Sirzy

Are they not conversations that can often be triggered naturally though things in the news or on tv shows? I think sometimes to informal chats from things you have heard can be better than a sit down together type thing

I was going to say exactly this. It’s an ongoing conversation with DS (17) often triggered by the news, something on TV, a thread from Mumsnet that I’ve read out loud to DH and DS, etc.

I couldn’t think of anything worse for any of us than sitting him down for a full on family conversation about these things.

To add, 12 is the perfect age to start these conversations.

I go old-school with my teen boys and tell them not to do anything that will ‘bring shame on the family’ with a long hard evil eye stare for good measure!