Private School: WWYD?

[Gotheeunicorns]

Sorry if this becomes long..
We have 4 DC. Three of them are quite academic and confident. DC3 is perfectly capable but lacks confidence and doesn't fit the mould that allows him to shine academically. Top 2 DC are at Grammar school and DC4 would also suit that environment if they were to get in.
I was a SAHP until DC4 started school. My plan was to get a job with the aim of being able to pay school fees for DC3. I now work full-time and my salary would cover fees. Last year we used the extra money to do work on the house with the intention of saving the money from Jan this year so we had the majority of a years fees in advance. My job is secure and my salary is due to rise in 20 months. DH and I have a small limited company and he is effectively self-employed. He takes a small salary from the business and we draw dividends. He has not been out of work for 10 years. He is also the director of a start-up which doesn't pay anything yet but is moving in the right direction. If the forecasts go to plan and things continue it should pay in the next 2 years and long-term has the potential to be quite lucrative although obviously nothing is ever certain.
Unfortunately due to an accounting error we found ourselves with a 9k bill to pay in January this year. I am using my salary to pay this on a monthly basis,which finishes in June. It means we will not have saved school fees like I wanted to.
I now feel vulnerable especially with the economic repercussions of Covid and Brexit. DH only ever takes short contracts but what if they dry up and he is without work. We have 3 months of back up if required but that wouldn't cover fees.
At present we live comfortably but not extravagantly. We drive old cars and have simple holidays; sometimes UK based sometimes Europe. DC do various extra-curricular activities including tutor for older ones in subjects they find hard. Our fixed out goings are quite high due the where we live and our house always requires work. We need a new kitchen really.
My salary is obviously a new addition to our income so we won't miss it as such and I will just continue to budget as necessary for all the things we currently do. If we didn't pay fees there would obviously be a lot more flexibility in the budget to do more. However, I know that my DC would love the private school and it will bring the best out in him. Unfortunately our local secondaries are not great and as he is a good kid who just muddles along he won't get picked up for being either good or bad. He loves sport and is very good but as he lacks confidence (and size - he is very small for his age) he again won't shine unless given the opportunity which the private school definitely would but the local school definitely won't (they don't play his sports for team competitions).

I really don't know what to do. If things had gone to plan then I would feel a lot more comfortable but now I really don't know what to do. What would you do in this situation?

I appreciate that this is a first world problem and I also understand that we are in a very privileged position to even be able to consider this.

It’s a risk because what if dc4 doesn’t get into the grammar? You won’t be able to cover their fees as well. Too me that rules out private school as an option ahead of any other considerations.

DC4 has 3 years until secondary and my salary will have risen enough to cover those fees too if required.
DC4 is also a confident and traditionally academic so I feel happy that they'd be fine wherever they went even if it weren't the grammar.

• What backup do you have if something unexpected happened again (like the tax bill, or your DH not being able to work for 6 months)? Do you have savings/ISAs you could cash in? Enough equity in your home you could remortgage or at least take a repayment holiday? Do you have family who would be able and willing to help you if you really needed it?

• do you have sufficient insurance, eg Income Protection for both of you (with a deferred period you can afford) as well as life assurance?

• would you be able to afford to send DC4 to private school too if it was necessary? You say they would thrive at grammar, but depending on their age it might be a bit early to tell. Might damage sibling relationships long-term if DC4 was very unhappy at school but you couldn't do anything about it, whilst DC3 was at a lovely place that suits him. Although if DC4 is much younger than DC3 at least you wouldn't have 2 sets of fees for long.

Not at all saying you shouldn't do it. Fwiw, it does sound like the right private school would really benefit your DC3. Just a few things to consider, to make sure that your family finances are secure enough that you can weather something unexpected (but not super-unlikely)

Have you approached the private school to see if they offer any bursaries?

You also need to factor in extras at private, most charge for exam entrance, trips, some resources, uniform, music lessons etc they can really add up.
Plus 5% annual fee inflation.

I wouldn't send 1 of 4 kids to private school no.

I'd pay for a tutor to give extra support to get DC3 into grammar school with the others. You can easily train to pass the entrance exams - I did.

So from after June you’ll be able to pay the school fees, it’s just that you’ll have no contingency for a couple of years?
If your salary will increase that much, then I’d probably risk it. You could always take out a bank loan for a year.
If I’m reading it right and this will be your plan b.

Thanks for the responses so far.
In answer to some of the questions. We have 3 months of as DH salary as a back up. It would mean cut backs but we would survive. We have equity in our house and in a small buy to let property if it ever came to it. We do also have an insurance policy to cover critical illness if either of us got sick.
If we encountered another large bill we could cover it although again it would mean cutbacks elsewhere and would be tight.

We are not eligible to receive any financial support. DC did go for a scholarship but wasn't successful. I will be trying to negotiate fees if we decide to go for it. The extras for the school would come out of our normal budget and wouldn't be a huge issue.
This is all dependent on things carrying on as they are though and maybe we've been lucky so far.

I am currently on a training salary which when fully qualified in 20 months raises by 10k pa. If DH business continues as it is we would also potentially gain another 20-30k pa (a big if though). I do think if we needed to we could send DC4 privately. The top two are both having a great education and brilliant opportunities so far and I know that DC3 will not get the same at our local school. He would, however, be perfectly happy there and we could supplement with tutors although I want him to go privately for the nurture and confidence rather than academics. I have no issues with only sending 1 to private school if that is the best option for them. Luckily the big two are in great schools already which suit them well.

I think it's a bad idea to stretch yourself - particularly just to spend money on one of 4 children. What happens if things are tight? You either have to pull DC3 out of his school (which would most likely give him a worse experience than just starting at another school in the first place) or you have to make economies elsewhere - which means impacting on your other 3 children. Your two oldest children might be perfectly happy with their school - but are they happy for you to pay money on their sibling if it means them losing out?

Tistheseason17 with 2 DC already at Grammar I absolutely know it is not the right environment for him. He has a tutor anyway but we didn't put him in for the test. Grammar is not the right place for him. He loves to read, is interested in the world and is very practical. Our education system is not designed for him sadly.

@Gotheeunicorns sorry it doesn’t sound like you are in a sound enough financial position to send DC3 to private school. People who can comfortably afford it would also have cash in the bank to meet an unexpected 10k tax bill. I know you aimed for a financial cushion but you haven’t achieved it. Also sounds like if your pay goes to paying DC3 fees you won’t be getting a kitchen upgrade. Maybe focus on getting DC3 tutors so they can build confidence/skills. School sport isn’t everything- look for good local clubs so they can excel in sport still.

Dc4 still young Yr1? So you can’t assume would get a grammar school place. You hope your income will go up but its not certain and you could end up with 2 x private school fees 40k p.a plus helping older DC financially as they go off to Uni & you would have less spare cash for hols, home improvements.

I'd consider a tutor but never consider private school in your circumstances. The worst thing of all would be having to move any of your DC from one school to another at secondary level, if your finances change for the worse. Short term contractors are the first to go or not be offered work.

Bad enough if from one state school to another say if you moved house, but from private to state (or vice-versa) could disrupt learning much more.

Actually, if you have a pretty much guaranteed salary increase of 10k (gross or net?) in 20 months written into your contract I'd feel more comfortable. That's very different from hoping/expecting a pay rise, which could easily not materialise if the economy doesn't bounce back. Are you guaranteed a job on that salary at your current employer after your training period finishes? Do you need to pass exams etc, or is there any other reason it might not happen?

Access to equity is also a good safety net. Do you have a low enough LTV ratio that you would be able to get it out if needed?

By the way, do check your insurance - speak to the broker who sold it to you and make sure it provides the cover you need. It may have been a slip in your post, but Critical Illness only covers you for certain conditions: heart attack and cancer will be covered, but something like a car accident where you need 6 months recovery won't be. Critical Illness cover is intended to cover costs like converting your home, travelling for treatment etc. The insurance which is intended to cover not being able to work is called Income Protection. That will generally kick in due to an assessment confirming that you are unable to work, rather than specific conditions.

Very, very tricky one, OP.

Not least as, while the grammar school is (I'm assuming) academically excellent - it is likely to be less fantastic 'all round' than even a non-selective independent school.

For my youngest DC, we did look at a grammar school as a secondary possibility. It was academically very good (in fact, she wouldn't have got in), but didn't have much else. The school days were short (9-3ish) and parents were obviously expected to provide any music, sport, dance, drama, etc, etc beyond the basic requirements of the curriculum.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing in itself - but it might just be an issue if one child is having everything provided as part of the school experience, and the other DC aren't. But only you know whether this would be a problem for your DC.

As for whether you can afford it: I have somehow battled through, though it has been very hairy at times, and I have had to negotiate a very long-term payment plan with one school, which will long outlast the child being there.

What about starting them there from Year 9? That would give you an extra couple of years or so to save/see how dh business pans out. In the meantime, use tutors.

I'd send dc3 private. Lots of private school parents have limited companies and don't have more than a terms fees in the bank. Certainly that's us anyway! But it depends on how you feel about risk and also just how dire the local secondary modern is. Hanging on until year 9 is certainly a good option if the secondary modern isn't going to be awful.

We seem to have got lucky with the grammars as they provide great all round opportunities. I went to private and then a state comprehensive and the older DC are definitely having an experience akin to my private school.
I have no moral qualms about sending DC3 and not the others. They have had a small fortune spent on them with other opportunities and have reached a high level of attainment in various endeavours. The difference with DC3 is that whilst the others will go into an activity with an assumption that they'll be good at it he will automatically believe he is rubbish. That anxiety has prevented him accessing the same opportunities as the others so he hasn't had that resource spent. For instance it took us two years to get him to join in with cricket (junior training took place on one night). The others just joined in but he had to watch until he felt comfortable. He was selected for county just before this lockdown so he's good but he doesn't believe it. It is the same with everything and it makes me sad that his anxiety and lack of confidence prevent him doing things I know he enjoys. This particular private school very much sells itself on catering for the individual child with an all round approach which is the appeal. We have looked at others and would choose state over private in those cases but this one just seems to really fit what he needs.

The issue isn't that it's a stretch or unaffordable, just that it makes you anxious because you'd be paying as you go along rather than out of a savings buffer that you would rebuild by the time the next fees were due? Which would have mentally given you a sense of control over the financial liability you now won't have?

I think I would get on with it and learn to sit with that minor anxiety.

Fairness isn't about treating each child identically regardless of their needs, it's about adapting to meet their needs as individuals. Personally I don't see any problem with the plan from that perspective.

I'm not against private school my dc have attended both state and private depending on where we are living.
I do wonder if your dc might benefit most from having his anxiety addressed therapeutically first.
With that managed and tutors you might find he had a wider range of choices available to him.

Why did you spend 2 years getting him to do a sport? Were there other sports or activities he'd rather do? Sounds quite a lot of expectation.

If she's in a fully selective county then the problem is going to be that it's not a comp he will go to...it will be a secondary modern. Secondary moderns are a world away from a grammar or a private school. Either way in this scenario DC3 will be having a very different experience than DC1/2. Private school would be more on par to the grammar. It could all go spectacularly tits up financially for you but I'd make a decision on the now.

@Crescia feel very sorry for all the children in fully selective counties that have no choice but to attend the secondary modern. A rotten educational system of winners and losers.

I would do it OP. You seem to have contingency plans should your salaries dry up. Your reservations are very normal I would think, it is a huge amount of money to commit to.

I completely understand your predicament OP. We are in a similar situation with DD. I am an 11+ tutor so I know that it really isn't just "pass the test" and get in. My DS is in the grammar system and it was the right thing for him. But many of his peers who were over coached to scrap through the test have really struggled in a grammar school.

I would send dc3 to the private school as planned. Your job as a parent is to find them the best school to suit their individual needs and personalities. Lots of families in grammar areas use a mix of state, grammar and private.

Over the next 6 months, put aside as much as you possibly can into the school fee pot. And once dc3 is sorted, start working on dc4 to make sure they do go down the e grammar route. Then in a couple of years, you will be able to use that pay increase to build up the savings.