Woke up today and immediately started to cry

[Hangingover]

Need a handhold.

I've posted about this a little bit before but in the last year I've come to realise I think I have OCD and have had it for a very long time.

This week it's got so bad it's frightening me.

This is difficult to write for reasons that may or not make sense.

My brain basically tells me that if I say a thing I'm obsessing over (e.g something really bad happening) either out loud or in my head, that that thing will then happen and it will be my fault. So I don't even know how to ask for help because I can't say it or even let myself think about the words that describe the bad things without going into a tailspin. I don't even want to Google it.

But the problem is multiple things trigger the bad things at the moment. Probably 50+ times a day I would guess. If it's a minor trigger I can have a brief internal moment of terror and it passes but if it's a full on coincidence it sends me into a proper blown panic. You know how people put trigger warnings on MN threads sometimes. Pretty much every thread would need a trigger warning in my world. Because my brain will play a warped game of word association and somehow twist something into a trigger or a coincidence which means something terrible will happen. None of my old rituals work any more.

I've just read that all back and it sounds completely bizarre.

I woke up from a lovely sleep this morning and it's like the obsessive thoughts were waiting in the wings and immediately pounced on me telling me all the awful things that will happen if I think about them.

Does anyone understand? I'm a mess. I feel so miserable.

Hi Op, bless you that sounds really difficult and exhausting no wonder you want to cry. It is time to go to the GP and explain all this and get the help you need in the meantime try not to overthink any of it or worry. These things can be helped and you show an awareness of what is going on for you which is fantastic. Look after yourself hot salt baths are a saviour for me.....💐

Ah this sounds really stressful, sorry you're feeling so bad. This isn't your fault.

Have you been to your Dr about this? I've had to see my GP a few times in the past about my mental health, I was happy I'd spoken to them about it afterwards.

Sometimes I am bothered by intrusive thoughts. It took me a while to figure out that (for me) the best way to deal with them is to just let myself think the bad thing I was trying to avoid thinking. Now I don't try to fight it or push it away - if I catch myself trying to push the thought down or worrying about what the thought is, I remind myself to just accept the thought. I've never ever done the bad thing I've been thinking, even though I have been thinking it for 10 years. (Definitely don't want to do the bad thing by the way, this is why the thought is so scary).

Sounds like you need some professional help in understanding your OCD/thought processes and how to deal with them? This isn't anything to be ashamed of.

I've also had times when my first waking thoughts are ones that make me feel miserable or anxious, so I really empathise with this. Like the PP said, until you can see a Dr, try to focus on bringing your anxiety down? Like having a nice bath, watch something funny, do some exercise, do some colouring, drink lots of tea.

This quite a common problem - being trapped in cycles of rumination like this - it's just spiralling to the extreme in this case. This the kind of thing CBT can really help with - give yo coping mechanisms to stop and block this kind of thinking. Most importantly - you do realise at some level that this is out of proportion and needs addressing. See if you can get some CBT either via your GP or privately - it can be done online.

One thing that I found helped when I was really struggling with anxiety, was to consider that the voices are separate from you and the reason they don’t want you to write down the bad things or tell anyone else is because they know it reduces their power. You know logically that saying it can’t make it happen, but they keep on and on at you until they’ve got you convinced.
If you can go and see your GP and explain how you’re feeling, you won’t have to say any more than you’ve said here, and they will be able to help you find ways to deal with those thoughts.

Well done for posting, it’s a really great first step, and I bet the thoughts didn’t want you to do it!

Thanks everyone. For some reason though I can't often voice it myself if someone else says something I can say "me too!". Like in Bryony Gordon's book she says she was obsessed that she had HIV, that she was a murderer (killed someone in her sleep) or a pedo... I've had all these insane thoughts too. Ive even thought about taking all the knives out the house incase I sleepwalked.

@bananacustard85 if it's not triggering can you explain how this feels, especially the first times you tried it (obviously don't need to say what the thought it)

It took me a while to figure out that (for me) the best way to deal with them is to just let myself think the bad thing I was trying to avoid thinking. Now I don't try to fight it or push it away - if I catch myself trying to push the thought down or worrying about what the thought is, I remind myself to just accept the thought

This is what I feel like I need to do but the fear is so loud I don't know if I can. What happened the first time you just sat with the thought, was it awful?

And thanks everyone for the advice...I have been to GP many times in the past and had a short CBT course but I could only describe what was wrong in really vague terms. I wonder if I could actually say or write down the thoughts that might break it all open.

This sounds very hard for you sending a handhold. I’m currently going through this with my teen DD and we have booked privately to see a psychiatrist as they can prescribe drugs (If recommended ) and we cannot wait any longer for child mental health.
I would say from trying to find help And help her I’ve realised that we need someone who knows their stuff to listen and offer advice.
We tried some basic counselling but that did not work in the long term just helped for a few weeks.
As an adult your GP might be able to help
More so I would definitely reach out and get an appointment. We wrote down similar to how you have here what she felt and that helps as it’s so hard to open up. You could even print your words and ask them to read.
I read that some people had good results on Setraline for OCD you could perhaps read up about that.
Please ask for help

Just sending love and support to you, OP. Your difficulties sound such hard work for you and so distressing. CBT (and, I think, anti-depressants) can be very helpful with OCD. You deserve more help from your GP with this. Since you have been strong enough to write clearly about your problem in your opening post, could you print out that text and show it to a GP to help you get across words that you find hard to say?

I don't mind saying what the thought is, I just don't want to set you off (haha what a pair we are).

I think I was so panicked about trying to repress the thoughts, that actually when I allowed the thought to exist, it didn't feel worse than trying to fight it. If that make sense? I found it got easier quickly because the bad thing never happens so I started to relax more about it. I still do have these thoughts and they still make me anxious sometimes. Now I tend to get them if I am tired or there are stressful things happening in my life, but like I said, I just let them happen and remember that they don't actually mean anything, it's just an annoying thing my brain does sometimes.

More generally, I've also realised that a lot of my anxiety is to do with worrying about how I feel. Like... I used to have panic attacks on public transport. The thing is, I was not worried about the train crashing or something like that. Once I'd had one panic attack on the train, every time I got the train I thought it was going to happen again. I was purely anxious about being anxious.

From what you said, it does sound like you're anxious that if you let yourself think the bad thoughts, you will feel even more anxious? Sounds like you are anxious about feeling anxious too 🙂 so maybe if you can think or write the thought rather than fighting it, you'll show yourself that you can cope with how this feels?

It does sound like you might be struggling more with OCD/intrusive thoughts than I was, as for me it was more like a part of my anxiety rather than the focus, so it might be harder for you to just allow the thoughts to happen. Going back to the Dr still might be the best approach.

I relate to that so hard @BananaCustard85
(I'm the same but with planes and buses on public transport as well).

I do want to try this. I've lived with it so long and you're right about the fear or fear thing. I think for me, if I have/say the full thought and it happens (mine is centred around things happening to my loved ones) then I know I'll never be able to live with guilt of knowing I caused it. I know logically that this isn't true but my brain is like a conspiracy theorist who won't listen to reason. Did you decide one day just to try and sit with the thoughts or was it a gradual thing? My friend suggested I could start with writing it in a notebook.

Urgh anxiety is horrible isn't it? When I was bad it was all-consuming. It's so exhausting.

You're constantly 'fighting off' these thoughts, all the time?

It wasn't necessary constant for me, some days were more intense than others. Other times I'd be, say, doing the washing up and thinking about work, and then a 'bad thought' would pop into my head for no reason and I'd get really panicky and feel awful. I'd try to cut the thought off, shut it down before it was completed, like shouting 'no!' at it in my head. If I was having a particularly stressful time it would happen more. It's not like I was tortured by them all the time, but there were bad days and they definitely made me feel disturbed, and like I was a bad person. I'm afraid I can't really remember the exact moment I decided to stop fighting it? I think I maybe didn't have as strong a fear as you do that it might actually happen. But it's definitely a lot lot easier to handle now I don't challenge the thoughts. I usually find if I let the thought happen, they tend to go away after a while. I just try to accept the thought is in my head and that it doesn't mean anything, if that makes sense?

Maybe if you're battling it all the time, you could try sitting down somewhere quiet for 5-10 mins and just let whatever thoughts come into your head just 'float there' naturally, without trying to stop yourself from thinking it. If you think the thing you're afraid of, tell yourself it's OK you've thought that, it doesn't really mean anything. You could even put a timer on. It might help if you remember to breath calmly 🙂

Once you can handle 10mins, you could try 20 or 30 mins?

You could also try writing it like your friend suggested, if it's easier. You could start with writing just 1 line. You could write the same thing every day until you feel like you can cope with that. And then maybe build it up, add a few more sentences?

It's good you have a friend who knows how you feel.

Are there other things in your life that are causing you stress/anxiety too at the moment?

Sorry this is so long, I always waffle on!

No no please waffle it's really really helping. I've never spoken to anyone who has been in your situation before and found sitting in it helpful. Not being able to say the words means there basically no one I can talk to about it unless they've already experienced it themselves!

This is so similar to what my friend went through. She couldn't get through therapy at the start because the thoughts were so intrusive and obsessive and if she spoke them, she felt bad things would happen. She decided that to write it all down through the week when she felt able to and then gave it to the therapist to go through. In time this led to her being able to speak about it. Small steps. It was a very long process but she has her OCD under control and is in a really good place with her mental health. I think you know that none of this is healthy but please don't think it isn't treatable

Thank you, that's really positive

Absolutely hear you op

Handhold from
Me.

I understand. I have those thoughts too.

Please, please go to your GP.

Give MIND a call too, If you can manage to, they are fab.

Keep posting

Those are called INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. You can ask the doctor for "cognitive behaviour therapy" and anti-depressent tablets to help.

Apparently most people have these awful thoughts but they are so fleeting and awful that most people don't even recognise or acknowledge them.