Panicking about work and can't think clearly

[Stuckandstruggling]

I started a new job last summer, so have never worked for my company in normal times and have always worked remotely with a few exceptions where I have met up with the team outside of lockdown.

I am qualified and experienced enough to do the job. I have been successful in other jobs. But I am really struggling.

Firstly, there are the challenges of working remotely. Those aren't insurmountable but it has made it harder to understand the company, my role, the people, to communicate, just as it has for a lot of people.

Secondly, I am very isolated. Yes, we have team meetings but my boss only speaks to me outside of those if he thinks I'm doing something wrong. I'm largely left to my own devices.

That leads on to the third issue. My boss does think I'm doing something wrong. It feels like he formed an opinion early on (but didn't tell me until much later) that I'm not very good at what I do. His opinion doesn't match what people have thought of me previously. I feel like he's now testing me and waiting for me to fail but not being open about it. It's putting a huge amount of pressure on me.

He's not a good people manager. That is clear. He is the boss though. There is no one else I can speak to.

Because the pressure is really getting to me it is becoming a self fulfilling prophecy and vicious circle where I don't feel I can meet expectations and then I panic and can't do my work. My self confidence is at a real low.

I have tried talking to him but he doesn't get it. It is really difficult to work with someone who has a low opinion of you, particularly when it was a very unfair opinion at the outset but now is closer to reality as a result of it.

I know I am the master of my own destiny but I am so stressed I can't think and plan clearly.

I'm a single mum so I have to work or will lose our home.

Bump.

Does anyone have any advice?

Are there others who do the same role within the team? Or similar? Could you ask them for an informal chat/‘coffee’ catch up to chat about things? Even if it’s not directly about specific tasks, it might help get a feel for the lie of the land and the context of the team.

Is there anyone else on the team you can talk to. Do you have any other opportunities to communicate with other people other than the team meeting? That might help with the isolation which is probably making you question your ability.

How’s the job market? Would a move be possible if it came to that?

Didn't want to read and run op. Sorry I have no advice - but bumping for you.

I don't feel like there is anyone else I can talk to. The only people in similar roles are those who I manage, so I can't take my problems to them. There isn't anyone I could talk to in confidence anyway.

I can't move on so quickly. Roles don't generally go to women of my age even when the market is buoyant.

The solution is to confess to my boss that in the current circumstances I am not doing a good job and suffer the consequences.

This sounds very difficult, OP

How do you feel you get along with the people you manage? Is there anything there to suggest that they're unhappy with you?

Does your company have a system of annual review? It sounds as though you and your manager need another opportunity to spend some time talking through the role, how you feel you're getting on with it, and any thoughts he might have.

I definitely don't think you should be telling him you feel you're not doing a good job.

Can you speak to other team members about specific bits though? Like “can you spend ten minutes going through how xx is done, because I’m not sure I understand it?” That would be fine!

Or is it just that you have too much to do?

I have tried talking to him but he doesn't get it.

Tell us more about this conversation you had. What doesn't he get?

Are you meeting deadlines etc , I bet you’re doing better than you think x

Ask him if you can set some objectives to achieve, and discuss what support you will need to do this. Don't tell him you are not performing well, but you can say that you want to build your skills according to team priorities. What is important to him? What are his work priorities? Does he need you to exude confidence, or be challenging, or ask his opinion - use your people management skills to build a better professional relationship with him.

So, there’s no-one you can speak to and you can’t move and speaking to the boss doesn’t sound like the best option so let’s think about it differently. I have been in a similar situation and I found it really helpful to step back and do a bit of analysis - strip it right back to basics and try to work out what’s going wrong, when and why.

-What tasks are you actually doing wrong - processes etc
-is anyone else involved and influencing your performance
-are you missing deadlines /not managing projects
-again, are you getting things late from other people
-what things are you doing well (this is just to remind you it’s not all bad)

Once you’ve done this, look at each in turn and try and identify what you need to do to improve for each problem. Is there any extra knowledge or learning that could help? What bits do you find particularly tricky and maybe need to invest more time in. This should give you a roadmap of what needs to be done differently to give you a better end result.

Look at it all logically and unemotionally. Don’t forget you have been successful before, you have the skills and the experience and they picked you from all the applicants as the best candidate - you just need to identify what the particular sticking points are at this point in time and do your best to resolve them.

Best of luck. And stop being so hard on yourself!

Thanks for the support and suggestions.

I think it's a good idea to pretend you are your manager, and go over things like Ohdeariedear suggested - divorce it from yourself. If you have met your deadlines, are contributing ideas etc, then other expectations need to be clearer.

Are there any peer support networks set up online where you are working? Or a buddy or mentor system? My workplace has been very hot on these, you get asked to take part in a random coffee meet up or something every week, but it does seem to help people feel connected.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone, and not even in the minority I suspect. I have moved jobs during this period and find myself over-thinking everything, particularly whether things have been taken wrongly and feel that I am floundering a bit. That is very unlike me (I can only put it down to pressures right now and the different ways of working) and unlike you I have a very supportive manager so I can only imagine what it is like without one! The only advice I have is not to panic. That usually makes things worse (especially the overthinking). If you can set yourself weekly and daily targets and lists so that you can show you are taking control (motivation right now is a real challenge though). If you have a good week, pick a development opportunity to pursue to show objectively you are going above and beyond. He doesn’t have to like you but it will be hard for him to Challange if you have records and facts on your side and he might respect the fight. Do your best OP, I will too.