Is anyone really secure in their own parenting decisions?

[frakas]

Just that really. I'm wondering if anyone has got to a place with parenting where they feel unaffected by the judgement of others? I homeschool my nearly 6 year old for a variety of reasons but have had major judgement for this, both from parents with kids in mainstream education but also from the steiner/waldorf/attachment parenting parents who tend to make up a lot of the Home Education community in the UK. I don't subscribe to any of these philosophies or any philosophy really, I home school my son because I feel that it was the right choice for him and because we were privileged enough to be able to afford to do it. I'm not closed to the idea of school at some point if he wants to go, at all. I don't think that mainstream education is rubbish or that all children would be better off home schooled (used to be a primary school teacher in fact). I really feel that I don't judge anyone else for their choices one way or the other but I feel consistently judged for mine and I don't know how to not let it affect me. I put a lot of thought and research into homeschooling in particular, it wasn't something I just did on a whim, and I make sure (in normal times!!!) that he has ample opportunity to play and socialise with other children and all the things that people worry about with homeschooled kids. This has not been easy at all because like I say I feel I don't fit in with many other homeschooling parents as they are often very much in the steiner/waldorf type vein and I am not.

I've always felt really affected by other people's opinions and I don't know how to overcome it. Common sense tells me that I have happy, well adjusted little boy who is clearly thriving but then I think what if others are right and everything I do is wrong? I've felt like this right from when he was a baby, it isn't specific to homeschooling.

Another way to look at it is what would the outcome be if you did do what other people thought? If you bowed to every judgement? On Monday you would be Steiner, on Tuesday you would be in an overcrowded primary, on Wednesday you would be back at home but Waldorf this time, on Thursday in an incredibly expensive and prestigious private school.

Everyone brings their own insecurities to the table, this is the problem. You can listen and maybe consider their opinions but ultimately it's not possible to achieve universal approval and worrying about it will drive you mad.

Yes, I largely feel quite confident and assured with my own opinions and reasoning behind it. I know many things aren’t as good as others who have their own circumstances but I don’t think it’s realistic for everything to be perfect.

So someone judging my parenting would literally be a shrug of shoulders from me, which I’m sure is because I don’t feel sensitive about it so their views don’t affect the way I view myself. It doesn’t stop me asking for advice or help if I need it, so I don’t feel it’s because I’ve got things right and others haven’t either.

I worry about what other people think about everything I do. Always have. I wish I didn't. So yes I do worry about how others perceive my parenting. And definitely spend far too much time fretting over various things because of it. Even seemingly indirect things. I'm a bit better since having my youngest. But I wish I could just unclench a bit to be honest!

I feel pretty confident that I make reasoned sensible decisions about things when it comes to my two children. Equally there have been times when I haven’t known how best to deal with a situation so I’ve asked friends (and especially one friend who is, usefully, a child psychologist) and read a few books and then done the best I can.
I’ve never had anyone question or judge me so I’ve never really had to question what I’m doing though, plus I’m pretty mainstream and don’t really do unusual things that invite judgement or comment.

Yes - I have a child with ASD. They require different parenting sometimes- for example I cater for fussy eating that a lot of parents regard as “pandering”. I allow behaviour in public that some people think is “rude”, although I don’t allow actually antisocial (so he can watch an iPad at a restaurant table, but has to have headphones so no one else can hear). I don’t care what odd combination of clothing they wear. I allow enormous amounts of screen time.

If I cared what random people thought I’d drive myself insane. I have mostly happy, thriving children and people whose opinions I value think I’m doing ok. That’s sufficient for me. It probably helps I didn’t really care much what other people thought before I had children either.

I just feel like I overthink everything and I don't know why I allow other people's judgements to affect me so much.

I feel like actually we are relatively "mainstream", we just homeschool.

I've been a parent for 13 years and have 2 disabled children. I now have the hide of a rhino

for example I cater for fussy eating that a lot of parents regard as “pandering”. I allow behaviour in public that some people think is “rude”, although I don’t allow actually antisocial (so he can watch an iPad at a restaurant table, but has to have headphones so no one else can hear). I don’t care what odd combination of clothing they wear. I allow enormous amounts of screen time.

I've been judged for all those things too.

My children are now 18 and 16 and wonderful so yes, I am confident I made good choices. That's not to say I didn't make some awful mistakes. My instincts were usually right and I should have trusted them more.

I do what I think is right at the time, so even if it doesn't work out well the intention was good.

I also believe that guilt is a wasted emotion so I am able to put it behind me quickly

I think that until my DDs are adults, I will keep on worrying whether I’ve made right choices in parenting.
As few previous responses, I do, unfortunately, also worry what others think of my parenting skills. Especially when I had my first, now I feel as though I’m getting better.
My main worry actually is that my DDs are too polite and sensitive, stupid as that may sound. I am trying as hard as I can to build their resilience. Maybe I’m negative, but I feel as though such qualities are no longer as appreciated as they use to be.

@luckynumber

I've been a parent for 13 years and have 2 disabled children. I now have the hide of a rhino

Likewise. I used to worry constantly, but I've had to do so much research and support so many other parents with issues (allergies/SEN etc) that I no longer give a shit.

I think you should get used to being confident with your choices here. ( Fwiw they all sound fine to me!😉)

People raise children well in all sorts of ways. I've looked at some friends and family over the years and wondered what on earth they were doing, yet all the kids have turned out well! I knew at the time that a lot of choices were about how I wanted to live, and that's fine too.

On schooling I think parental confidence in the choice of school seems in the most part to rub off on the kids.

Also an asd parent.

In my life, being secure in parenting decisions = not giving a shit what anyone else thinks.

When I had Dd1 I didn't have a clue what I was doing, although I learned along the way.
23 years later when dd2 came along I'm very confident in all my parenting decisions.

I do think it’s much harder now with all this “advice” being on the internet. My DC were born in the late 80s/early 90s so I wasn’t bombarded with information on what I “should” be doing. I made some mistakes but I know I did the best I could at the time and it all turned out ok!

Sometimes I read threads on here where people are so caught up in all the little decisions that will actually have little effect in the long run, and I feel happy I didn’t have to agonise over all these things! I kind of just got on with it and didn’t really stop and question stuff.

I’ve recently started spending more time with other parents of pre school age children and went through a stage of feeling quite conscious of my parenting and worried that I’m doing things differently (although my parenting is fairly normal) however I read on here a comment about parenting the child you have/parenting in the way your child needs to be parented and that’s given me a lot more confidence. When I see other parents doing things differently I think that’s what their child needs and this is what mine needs. I’ve also noticed now with my second DC that you can do everything exactly the same with two children and get different results so there can’t possibly be one right way for all children

Another parent to a ds with asd and I constantly judge my own decisions. I am still far too aware of other people’s attitudes but I can at least sort them into “relevant” and “irrelevant” categories which helps.

I’m very envious of my dps who were very confident about how they parented us, and highly judgemental of the “modern” parents of their own day who spoiled their dc, didn’t discipline firmly, etc. I think part of the reason I’m so sensitive to judgement is that they were very vocal, even though there’s dissonance because I don’t want to be the type of parent they were.

Having a dc with sn alters the balance in the house, so with dd who is NT there are things I let slide or just don’t have the energy to enforce. She is under a lot of stress and I generally feel like a woefully inadequate parent.

I don’t let other people sway me from doing what is necessary in my situation but I also annoyingly crave approval so even though I can stand over my decisions pretty confidently I feel pretty shit one way or another a lot of the time.

Let me judge you for a moment OP. You are a wonderful mother with your child's best interests at heart. You have a happy, well adjusted boy so you must be doing things right. Your right is someone else's wrong but who cares? It is hard to stay confident when you are outside the norm (and outside two different norms for homeschooling). Just tell all that noise to STFU and look at your lovely boy!! He is your success, he is your right decisions. Bloody well done.

I'm pretty confident in my parenting choices and really don't care if others judge me for them and certainly not randoms on Mumsnet!
Water off a ducks back.

I enjoyed a few glasses of wine through my pregnancies, I put my babies in full time daycare from 4 months, weaned them on pouches, travelled for work and left them at home when they were little, used pacifiers, used bottles, used controlled crying, used amber necklaces because they were cute (I probably should be shot according to the other thread about this!), and as they were growing up, used to leave them sleeping in the house alone to walk the dogs.

Some of the above might mean someone I don't know judges me negatively but without knowing me personally or objectively, they're not in any position to obtain an accurate representation of my life, nor do they have any right to.

The one thing I've learned in my 41 years (not just as a parent), is that judgement is futile and only serves as a social reinforcement that we're "better" than those around us. It's pretty fucking liberating not caring if I'm seen as better than someone else and it's even more liberating not to measure myself against others' yardsticks.

The ONLY opinion that matters belong to those who are directly responsible for your children. So you and your husband. Of course, different circumstances or something outside the norm will invite questions, but as long as you're confident in your reasoning, answering those questions will become easier. If you give someone a better understanding, it might help them apply that understanding in other areas of their life where they otherwise might judge someone.

I am secure in my parenting decisions and the only ones I've ever regretted have been ones where I've allowed myself to be swayed from my own instincts by other peoples usually uninformed opinions.

I've only been a parent for not quite five years but my eldest has ASD. When she was really small, before we knew, I did a lot of things differently to other mums with small ones not because I thought I knew better but because they worked for her. I stuck rigidly to a routine, I stopped taking her to toddler groups and mums and baby coffee mornings etc because she HATED them. I wouldn't do a lot of the mum and baby stuff that felt like missing a rite of passage almost. It pissed people off, a lot (like when I'd say "no sorry, we won't be coming to Johnny's birthday party in a huge hall with fifty kids and an entertainer, DD won't get on with it" but would still send a gift). I endured an awful lot of comments, questions, statements sometimes well meaning and sometimes not about my parenting and I know a lot was said behind my back. Friends and family. I never let her misbehave or be rude, she was always disciplined and I removed her to calm her if she was disruptive (and even that annoyed people) but I made adjustments for her to keep her calm and happy.

Then DD was diagnosed. It felt like a big fat fuck you to everyone who'd thought they could pass judgement. I'd adjusted my parenting without knowing but naturally. We still make adaptations, people are a little more understanding now. But not much, because DD 'looks normal' and functions well with the opposite of learning difficulties. I still have the odd comment that if I'd have insisted on her socialising more as a toddler then she'd have less difficulties. People think she's like she is because of how I parented her. They don't understand that I parented her that way because of how she is - quite the opposite.

My second child shows no signs of ASD, is quite happy to do all the 'normal' things and ironically we haven't been able to because of COVID (she is only 2, but so different to her sister). No toddler groups etc. But I am happy with how I (and DH) parent them, we do what works for our family and quite frankly don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks or says! I wish I'd have had this confidence from the start but it's been gained through experience.

No matter how many children you have you're only an expert in your own. But you are THE expert in them.

I know that you only have to be a good enough parent for your DC to develop and thrive. Once I studied child development as part of my degree and read the literature around that a light bulb went off in my head.

I don't need to be a perfect mum or make perfect parenting decisions. I know my dc have always been securely attached to me as they're so independent. I've never used them to meet my needs and every decision I've made was with the tools I had at the time.

Don't beat yourself up. It's really not that hard to fuck up parenting as long as you meet their needs (needs not wants).

I’m pretty confident in my parenting. I have happy thriving dc, who are generally well behaved so I figure that I must be doing ok. I home ed too and while I think those who shout the loudest in the fb groups tend to be those very into certain types of parenting in reality most people just wing it.

I do not take in other people judgment on my parenting choices, I know I have made the right choices for myself, our son and my DH.

As a PP said, if you listened to others judgments you would be a different "style" of parent every day. Stay true to yourself and your family and do what you thinks best.

I do still worry and overthink lots and lots of things, daily, but others judgments aren't involved in that, it's more me against myself

Genuinely not. I read every possible pregnancy book in three languages while pregnant, and had a big stack of others about babyhood, but the moment DS was born I realised there was one expert on my baby, and that was me, so I gave them all away. I still think that, and I genuinely have no particular interest in other people’s parenting ideas or styles, unless they impact on me or my child.