Anyone else feel like they're losing friends?

[jelliedreels]

I'm an introvert and just have a few close friends, none of whom live nearby, but we visit (well we used to when we could!) and keep in touch on the phone. I have been really struggling during chats with my closest friend lately though and feel like covid has driven us a bit apart.

Let's just say her interpretation of the rules has been relatively 'flexible' and all of our recent conversations consist of her telling me what they've been up to before seeking validation from me for those decisions. I'm not sure why she does this, maybe she feels bad, maybe she's worried about being judged. But I haven't opened up the topic, questioned, or expressed any judgement, I don't want to tell my friends what to do, their choices are their own so have been supportive that she should do what's right for her. I think we're good enough friends for her to realise that I wouldn't necessarily make the same choices, but I'm starting to question that now.

I'm finding it so hard to have such frequent conversations which revolve around this. I leave every phonecall feeling utterly shit, reminded of all the things I am missing. It's like we're living parallel lives. I can't talk to her about things I am finding difficult under lockdown because we just have such different reference points if that makes sense.

You might recognise that there's a teeny bit of jealousy on my part for her slightly more normal life (and I recognise it's not normal for anyone and probably just different shades of shit). I'm just wondering how others are managing to cope with this? I don't want to lose a friendship and I don't want to judge but smiling and nodding is exhausting when like many, every so often I just want to have a good rant to a friend about how hard it is sometimes with the DC at home, without family etc.

It looks like I am the only one!

You're not x
I too am feeling increasingly isolated. I have felt this way for a few years and the past year has made it far worse.
I feel so dull and lack confidence. Why would anyone want to talk to me?

Sorry pressed send too soon.
It is hard when people you're close to have a more flexible take on the rules.
Are you able to do a weekly zoom call or something similar? Or look at MeetUp for ideas?
I recently joined an online book club and it's been really positive so far.
Take care. Hopefully when we do get a sense of normality, everyone will be so desperate to socialise, reigniting friendships will be possible.

I feel like I am either pulling away from friends or just not putting the effort in. Some have been a little lax in their interpretation of rules and I have pulled away so I don't judge or get pulled into it.

@Whataroyalannoyance that sounds similar to what I'm starting to do at the moment, it feels like the only way to manage it. The trouble is I really don't want the friendship to fizzle out as a result, I don't have many friends and can't afford to lose any!

@halfbakedkate sorry you're having a tough time too. Yes, I'm hoping once things go back to something close to normal everyone will forget this period of strangeness and we can move past it!

I'm in pretty much the same position as you OP and totally sympathise. One of my friends is doing all sorts, and it's hard because I don't want to judge, but also I feel irritated really because all of the mixing she and her family are doing may mean the rest of us are stuck in lockdown longer, and also she seems surprised I'm not doing things

I'm just trying not to dwell on it (and talking to her less often for the minute) and I'm planning to make some additional new friends after the pandemic- like pp said, I think more people will be up for making new friends anyway

I feel the same. I have two friends who I thought I was relatively close to but recently on zoom calls I just feel so bloody bored!

I know no ones got any exciting news at the moment but all they do is moan about their jobs, how they don’t see many people anymore etc. Except both of them have travelled abroad and stayed with family twice for long periods during the pandemic while I’ve seen my family who are an hour away only a couple of times in the last year It’s hard to hold my tongue.

Oh it looks like I've found my people. Thanks for making me feel a bit better everyone, it's nice to know I'm not alone!

I also feel I am losing friends, partly because I have nothing to say and can't be bothered but also because I realise a lot of my conversations with friends probably revolved around plans. Whether making plans for meet ups or talking about planned holidays etc It all feels a bit pointless now. I try to make the odd bit of effort as once this ends I think it will get easier again.

You are definitely not alone. Everything feels so flat, lethargic and deflated just now.
Hang in there.

[quote jelliedreels]@Whataroyalannoyance that sounds similar to what I'm starting to do at the moment, it feels like the only way to manage it. The trouble is I really don't want the friendship to fizzle out as a result, I don't have many friends and can't afford to lose any!

@halfbakedkate sorry you're having a tough time too. Yes, I'm hoping once things go back to something close to normal everyone will forget this period of strangeness and we can move past it![/quote]
Yeah, I only have a couple and it seems that number is shrinking!!

I get what you mean. Somebody I class as a very close friend has a different attitude towards lockdown than I do. This week she has been posting photos of her trips out in the car to playgrounds half an hour away, while my only car trips are to the supermarket & to take my 88-year old Grandad for his cancer-related appointments. We have visited the same 2 playgrounds in the village on rotation since Christmas, but I feel it would be breaking the rules to go further afield. I am comfortable with what we are doing & not prepared to do more, but I am also jealous & would love to!

I feel very much the same, sadly. Not so much that my friends are flouting any lockdown rules, I just feel that some of friendships aren’t that strong anymore and much more distant than they used to be. I feel this way about some family members too. Not everyone is tech savvy or like using Zoom so many of us rely on face to face contact to maintain relationships, so when that is taken away then the relationship becomes weaker, it’s inevitable really.

The funny thing is that I really look forward to chats with my work colleagues even though we talk much more often than I do with friends. I don’t know if it’s just that we sort of have to be cheery with each other but the positivity does make a big difference.

I come away from those calls feeling so uplifted in comparison to the doom and gloom from a particular group of friends. I started up a little side business during the first lockdown and it’s really flying which my friends can clearly see from social media but not one of them has asked me anything about it or been supportive in the last 6 months. Whereas I’ve had lots of orders from my work team and they’re always asking me how it’s going. And it’s not an MLM before anyone asks 😂

I now realise 99% of my (not family) social contact was work-related - so now not much to say.

I'm opposite from OP in tending to be lockdown skeptic when friends seem to be very lockdown supportive. No one in my work or social circle is clearly feeling or thinking like me. They don't want to know my genuine opinions so I don't have much to share.

I am. It seems that my close friends are using Covid as an excuse to get rid of me from their lives. I kept contacting them as I’m going through a bad patch in my life and they are basically ignoring me. I haven’t got a lot of friends anyway but now I have none. All by myself

OP I could have written your post I feel so similar. People seem to have drifted away, I don't have that many friends and I'm frustrated with always being the one to get in touch or start a conversation. I've also become increasingly irritated by a couple of people who've repeatedly tried to get me to drive an hour to come and see them. I live with someone who is ECV and there's no way I'm putting them at risk, never mind getting fined for the privilege

I think so many of us feel like friendships are slipping. It hard when you can't meet up with people or even make plans to go beyond a limited area. I have a few friends and they are all in favour of the rules where we live and follow them. I live on my own and I am keeping in contact with friends but they are doing the same for me.
I have plans made already for mine and a friends birthday in the late summer. I am trying hard to look forward to things getting to a new normal.
Its hard watching some people been so lax in not following the rules when you not willing to do the same as you don't want to catch covid or pass it on family members.
Pizzaandgarlicdip - I think you might just be out growing your friends group or are they jealous that your hard work is beginning to pay off. You imagine at the moment they like to hear some positive news from someone but instead none of them are asking about your business where your work colleagues are interested.
Ladybird 69 - I know how you feel as I had a few friends who let me down in the past. I had one friend who left me sitting in on the Sat night of a major birthday because she had a boyfriend. Then over a week later she called to me with a poor present and no offer of a night out for the 2 of us. At this stage we have gone from friends to acquaintances because her lack of effort for me. I know it horrible when your going through a bad time and you friends are not their. In regards to your friends can you what's app ect instead of ringing them? I know at the moment with people working from home and kids been home schooled it hard for people to have a telephone call without family life interfering.
Are there any online or zoom groups you can get involved with?

At least things are starting to improve. Would you like to post up here what problems your dealing with because MN might be able to help you?

Since the whole covid thing started I think people have shown their true colours. I can see a lot of so called friends going into the acquaintances group because of their lack of concern for people and making no effort despite knowing their friends are going through a bad time.

It's not just you. I've lost a friend over this. The thing I really couldn't bear was her being sneery about people who are worried about covid. Every conversation seemed to end up there. Plus the fact that when we met up, her risk-taking was directly increasing my risk.

I can understand why she'd break the rules - she has a really difficult personal situation - but I got fed up with the barrage of implicit criticism of my own choices.

Sorry to everyone else struggling with this at the moment. Thanks for listening to my rant, it was cathartic to have a good moan about it!

OP I really do get it. I feel like for some people it's a good way to withdraw from friends they're not so bothered about. I was worried I hadn't heard much from a friend who'd been a bit quieter even before the lockdown started. I've had a few messages saying she's struggling and couldn't bring herself to talk. I kept sending messages from time to time saying I hoped she was ok and I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her. I sent her some flowers last week as I thought it might cheer her up. I never heard anything from her and I know they were delivered, so I'm starting to wonder if it was just an excuse to back off from me although I don't know why.