Secure attachment or .... Not??

[SleepingStandingUp]

DS used to go to respite care with enough regularity that it was familiar. He slept over Dec 19 and had day care March 2020 then pandemic. We finally got to go back this week and he loved it. Barely said bye to me, slept well, was happy enough to see me and said yes when I said shall we go home but he didn't seem to miss us at all. He's 5, he has younger brothers who are 1 plus me and Dad.

Everyone reckons him going there so easily is a sign of secure attachment after him being very unwilling to detach from me in his early years. We worked hard on making him feel secure enough to go to nursery etc.

But here's the thing. What if it isn't secure attachment? What if he's just indifferent about being with us? What if he so happily goes because he's not fussed where he is as long as he's having fun and if we never return so what??

He does say love you too us when prompted (by me saying it not me asking) and he's affectionate but I worry he's actually not bonded.

He also doesn't mention anyone at school, doesn't seem to miss them except his one friend and isn't great at instigating mixing at school.

I worry all that work to get him to detach via a secure bond has actually damaged our bond

Ah bless you OP. Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you!

He's enjoying his little bit of independence and change. It doesn't mean he's not happy with you. If children are not happy you soon know about it.

Children of 5 dont really have friends as such more like other children they play with. He'll develop more mature relationships as he gets older.

Seriously stop worrying and just try to enjoy it and have fun with your dc while they're little.

We do and he is v affectionate (esp if I cuddle the interlopers) but he just has literally no issue with me leaving him (albeit in the fun place with all the toys and two adults just for him who'll pretty much meet his every whim) , and I hear friends Talkin about how their year 1 see cried on zoom chat because they miss everyone so much and he's just a bit indifferent to them all. He does tell me he wishes he lived next door to A who's his favourite friend and he plays lovely with the other kids at respite who are often v medically complex so I'm always v proud of that. I just wonder of he should miss us more 😂😭

Attachment is or of those things that gets bandied about a lot but that is often misunderstood. What happens when he’s upset or distressed, who does he look for, how easily soothed is he?

A secure base isn’t about encouraging him to detach, it’s about giving him the security and confidence to go and do developmentally appropriate things, like going to school.

He is more likely to calm down for me quickly than other people but when he's had accidents at school etc I'm not sure he actually asks for me, just takes comfort from whomever is bandaging his bumped head kind of thing.

I wouldn’t expect a child of school age to ask for their mum at school unless they were badly hurt. They know you aren’t there and that someone is taking care of them so they take comfort from that safe in the knowledge that you’ll be picking them up at the end of the day.

Honestly, babies are built for attachment. In the absence of any significant break in relationship or early trauma I wouldn’t worry.

Don’t worry about it, he’s just growing up a bit. My DD started going for occasional sleepovers with relatives at that age & it was like a special holiday where she got spoilt rotten. Starting to enjoy a bit of independence is normal.

I can understand it is hard to see him happily go without a backward glance but what is the alternative? You wouldn't want him to fight you and be distressed. If he had been to grandparents for overnight stays and was happy to go again you wouldn't give it a seconds thought. It is somewhere he knows and has a good time. Please don't worry about it otherwise you won't be benefitting from a break while he is having fun.

A bit different but my dd has always ran away from me when we got to nursery and now reception. When I pick her up she's not excited to see me. She's just always been like that and it doesn't worry me.

I know you're right I guess and I'd say the same to a friend in my position, I guess I just always question whether I've been a good enough parent given all he's been through

OP is there a reason why you suspect he might not be securely attached? IMO most children with typical upbringings don't have attachment issues, I don't think it's anything most people need to worry about unless there's a specific thing you can identify that might be contributing to insecure attachment

Just his willingness to leave me and guilt that he's medically not had the easiest of childhoods

But him being willing to go off happily to places he likes is a key indicator of being securely attached. He knows that whenever he comes back you will be there. And therefore is confident to go. There is obviously a lot of backstory here that you haven't put (which is fine) and this may mean that his reactions wont necessarily be the same as most children his age.

Not a major one, he's a young five in some ways but not massively so. He mas physical medical needs and we spent a lot of time in hospital in the first two years.
Think I was just having a wobble because after a year of being home together I expected to be at least a little nervous. I remember the boy who at 2 would cry if he wasn't touching me practically.

Perhaps I just have to take credit for us doing something right. And acknowledge that respite is amazing and he gets two adults to himself all day who's only job is his joy and safety 😂
One day he'll go off and get married and he'll be the kid that has to be reminded to phone his mother 😂

It’s developmentally appropriate for him to cling to you aged 2, and entirely appropriate for him to be happy going into a safe familiar place aged 5. He may have been really looking forward to respite (hopefully you’ll enjoy the break too), try not to worry.

He was and tbh he's spent the whole pandemic asking when he can go back. He does very much feel safe there. I'm just overthinking

Sounds as if you are doing a great job, and do is he. 😀