Do/did you regret not living near your parents as an adult, whether or not you had children

[fryday]

I am considering living abroad on a more permanent basis. (I've already been abroad for quite a while). It's just me, no partner etc. It would be Europe so not as far as other regions. For health reasons, them travelling to me would be rare and/or difficult. I am close to my parents (emotionally) and wonder whether I would regret 'lost years' without them, or whether the other things I want from life I can more or less get when living near them (in England).

In short, I was wondering whether you regretted not being geographically closer to your parents if you had/have a good relationship with them, as time one can't get back, or is this an overly sentimental and heavily anticipatory attitude to take - trying to allay future regret. I suppose I have a feeling that I could develop as a person more fully abroad, but I don't know whether this is a somewhat romantic illusion. Grass is greener syndrome. (Indeed the opposite might be true - a new start having a fairytale quality and personal development somehow more realistic at 'home'?). Please also feed back if you did move some distance away (including within the UK) and it turned out to be a necessary trade-off/for the best. Or if you moved away but on reflection, if able to go back in time, would have chosen to have stayed nearby.

Also, is Skype etc an adequate substitute for geographical proximity.

I moved to England from another EU country, to be with my British husband (then boyfriend), in 2003.
I’ve since had two children with him and my mum sadly passed away in 2008. She was my best friend and it tore us both apart, when I made the decision.
She was literally my other half and I still chose my boyfriend over her.

Do I regret it? No, in the sense that I am happy here and this is where I now consider my home. Do I wish she had come with me? Every day. Do I wish I had waited, especially as I didn’t know she had so little time left? Somewhat, but my partner and I wouldn’t have lasted another 4 years of long distance relationship.

There are a lot of what ifs still, and this is a very individual decision.
I have gradually lost everyone else back home. No one makes much effort anymore to contact me. They even forget to let me know news. There’s been weddings, funerals, countless bbq’s and parties where I was not invited for obvious reasons. There’s been arguments like “You expect us to roll out the red carpet because you’re coming home once every 3 years?” I never expect anything off my family back home but if they came to visit me in England, I wouldn’t plan a different holiday at the same time!

This is not about me, but it gives you an idea. Everyone made tons of effort at the beginning on both sides but 17 years later contact is sparse. You have to accept that people will live and also sadly die, and you won’t have seen them for a very long time.

Yes there are regrets, but I would also have regretted not going.

Good luck!!

No, I don't regret it. If I'd lived closer to my parents I would have spent the last 10 years being dragged into doing more and more caring for them, and instead there was no alternative for them to use hospital transport/ have carers etc etc where dad would very much have preferred me to do things

Thank you both very much. @Vallmo47 was there ever an option to settle in your original country? I've a feeling I'd rather not settle in the UK for various reasons which aren't really logical, I wondered whether you had that same intuitive draw away from your original country and had a 'feeling' that you wanted to settle in the UK. Or perhaps you would feel it was more about your relationship and the country was somewhat secondary? No worries if you don't feel like answering, your reply was lovely and gave me a lot to think about anyway.

I moved away as I couldn't afford to buy a property in my home town. I'm about 100 miles away now raising a young family and I miss my mum every day. I miss my home town too. But I'm happy where I am.

I used to live very close to my parents (3 miles). I was living there when my Mum died in 2012. It was convenient to be close for dealing with the practicalities of a terminal illness.

However, I got a great job opportunity 400 miles away so moved encouraged by my Dad.

I love my life now. Personally, I'm much more fulfilled but the last year has been hard as my Father's health deteriorated and he died. Not being able to easily do practical things, having to try to sort the house and estate out during lockdown wasn't easy but we got it done.

On balance, I'm glad I moved, but there were sacrifices involved.

No, no regrets, moved 120 miles away 23 years ago. See my family at least once a year in normal times but speak to my Mum weekly.

We moved around the corner to my parents a few years back. It’s great. They help a bit with childcare and I love the relationship my kids have with them.
It’s also been really good through covid that we have been close & able to help with shopping and stuff. I think they’ve also really valued seeing us. They are really sociable people and I think the pandemic would’ve had a devastating impact on their mental health without my family to keep them going.
We see MIL via Skype as she lives away and I really don’t think it’s the same.

Ultimately, only you can decide what’s right for you. I find thinking about regrets helps when I’m trying to make a decision. Which one would you regret more - not going abroad or not being around for your parents?

I moved to the other end of the country, and everything was fine until I had my dc, and then I really wished my dm was closer. She ended up doing a lot of driving up to help and eventually moved close to me, which is an absolute godsend for childcare.

The other factor was that as she got older and had more health problems I became increasingly away of how much easier it would be to support her if she was closer.

I live about a 6 hour drive from my DM at the moment and that’s the closest I’ve lived to “home” since I was 18.
No regrets at all.

It is a very tough decision to make. For the last million or so years I was generally overseas with visits back to UK based parents once a year maybe and they probably came to visit me about the same.
My last move overseas was nearly this time last year...had things remained 'normal' I probably would have come back to see them at Christmas.
As it was .... I escaped and came back to the UK where I now live 4 hours away by train.
Would I want to go overseas again.... definitely. Will I..... like you it's a question that I have no idea how to answer. Both parents say that I have to go where I'd be happiest and they would never hold me back but... the truth is, they are getting older...would I be able to get back quickly if needed? Only you know what is right for you .. but if you could get back if anything happened, if you can keep in touch...regular calls etc ... if you have the patience to teach your parents about the marvels of Zoom etc then I'd think about going... as long as it really was a job/life I wanted.

I moved away from my parents when DH was relocated years ago, we've moved many times since. I'm a 4hr+ expensive ferry crossing and a drive away from them now. I wish they lived here, my Mum would move here, but not my Dad, it would make life easier, as I worry about what will happen if one of them ends up hospitalised. All of my Dad's family have stayed close and I'm sure they view me as a heartless, selfish bitch for moving away. I would never move back as I hate my home town. I'm glad I moved, I've experienced life in different places and I'm not in any way reliant on my parents. You do lose touch with people though, much of my family are pretty much strangers now.

I live about a 3.5 hour drive away. I don't regret it as I love the area I live in and there are no jobs in my husband's field close to where they live so that made up our minds. I do however wish it was possible to be closer. Covid has really heightened this feeling as my daughter has spent half of her life away from them and my baby has met them once which is awful as we're close. It was crap but manageable pre covid but I'd kill to have their help and company now with 2 small children. I think you have to weigh up the pros and cons, sometimes I browse rightmove in their area but in reality I know we're much happier here than we would be there so on balance, it's hard but no regrets.

I moved 60 miles away, 5 years ago. I miss my mum all the time. I wish I could have stayed in my hometown, but I was too scared (of seeing the people I grew up). I couldn't walk around my local area without being paranoid. So I moved, and now I'm much freer, but it breaks my heart how much I miss my family.

It depends on why you would like to live abroad and how close you are emotionally to your parents. We are 15 minutes away from mil and my dh has found it hard not being able to see his mum at least once a week. I am 4 hours away from mine, they are not old at 53 and 59 but I haven't seen them in many months now due to different restrictions in Scotland and England. Dh had a job offer for a great salary and job abroad and we considered it, both sets of parents gave their blessings. It was a hard call but ultimately we both came to the conclusion that we value family above all else and it is so important to the both of us that our children have great relationships with their grandparents just as we did. There were other factors in the decision too though.

Do what you feel is best, you can't sacrifice your life for anyone else nor should they expect you to but having family around or nearby is extra special when you have your own. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

I am about three hours away from my mum (dad passed away a few years ago). No regrets at all, indeed in non-Covid times my mum loves to visit in the summer, and two friends of hers live not too far from me.

Though because of my mum being unable to fly anymore, and Brexit, the option of moving abroad has gone for me.