I don't know who I am anymore

[17caterpillars1mouse]

Just that really. I'm early 30s sahm of two young girls, married for 7 years and just feel completely lost. I don't know who I am or what I want to do / be. I should mention that I've been on antidepressants since last June.

I got given some Xmas money and I have no idea what to use it for, wanted to treat myself but have no idea of what I like anymore, no idea of my style, interests, I just feel lost.

I have an undergrad and masters degree, but no idea what job I want to do once dd2 starts school, no idea if / what I want to retrain in. Any rare spare time I get I just end up doing house work because I can't think of anything to do. I struggle to focus on anything.

I don't know what I want from this thread, as I said I'm just feeling very lost, and have felt this way for many years

So what are you interested in? Any hobbies? It's easy to get a bit lost when you're at home with dc. They become your absolute priority and sometimes you lose sight of yourself. Have you got any friends you could talk to about it? Or maybe consider counselling?

I used to enjoy reading, history, craft kits, walking

I now can't get into any book, I've tried so many and I jus can't focus, same with history - tried reading and documentaries just can't get into anything. I've started a few craft kits I got for Xmas and enjoy it whilst doing it, but getting the motivation to actually do it is really hard.

I can't do long walks as dd1 is young and suffers with hypermobility so can't walk far but past the age of pushchair and dd2 will only stay in the pushchair for so long. I don't feel safe walking in the dark so can't go after they are in bed either.

I also used to love baking, but can't get into it at all now and just eat it all anyway which isn't good when you are already overweight.

Friends seem in a different place to me now as they don't have children

I'm like this at times, I have 2DC and work part time. When i'm not working, cleaning/cooking or sorting out the DCs and I get some rare spare time I don't know what to do with myself.

I have no interest in anything and nothing holds my concentration, I usually just end up mindlessly scrolling through my phone or finding something else in the house that needs doing.

No solution really, just wanted to say it's not just you

I think when you have small children, it's hard to think about yourself. Once your children are older, it gets easier and you will start having your own time.

I only have one child, but I don't really remember what I was doing when my dc was before school age. Mine had a lot of health issues so I was lost at the time too.
But now dc is older and I have plenty of time to do what I like and enjoy.

I've felt like this since having my DD and being a sahm. It's hard when you get so little time to not be mum and to spend being yourself.

Can you organise with your DH that you get a set amount of me-time once a week? Even if it starts off as say an hour on Saturdays where he takes DC for a walk or keeps them downstairs, and you stay upstairs and maybe read something very easy (when I first tried to get back into reading I read Enid Blyton naughtiest girl books!) Or listen to an audio book with a face mask on... Or whatever you're into...something crafty perhaps, even if it's just a quick lie down without having to focus on the kids for a bit.

I think, at least in my own experience, I needed a bit of time just doing absolutely nothing before I could start to think about myself properly and what my own hobbies/interests etc were. Lockdown makes it harder of course because even things like taking the dc for a day trip is impossible and it can feel really claustrophobic at times being stuck with limited options.

My ex/dd's father was rubbish in many ways, and I never got any time to myself but I started doing small things like putting a face oil on at night and taking vitamin supplements, just to make me feel a bit more looked after. Sorry if my ideas are rubbish but I think I know how you're feeling.

I think young kids can cause this because they dominate so much of your life & perhaps not working compounds it. I work p/t & felt more like me on those days. Now my dc are a bit older I'm starting to feel much more myself again at home too. DH felt similar.

Do you do any exercise? Do you want to get a job? I'm not sure it's worth retraining until your back in the workplace if you are completely unsure of your direction.