Would you talk to 17yo's employer

[Toorapid]

DS2 left school at 16 to do an apprenticeship. He set his heart on this particular scheme in yr 9 and set about making it happen. It was a very tense time for me as he absolutely refused to consider anything else, no college or sixth form applications etc.

Anyway, it's a very highly thought of employer for this path locally, there were 300+ application for 3 positions and he got it!. He's now in the second year, he's the only under 18yo in his cohort, the other two are in their 20s.

College, one day per week moved on line in March, with only a very brief return in the summer and he's been working from home since March too. Not ideal for anyone and (I think) especially hard for a teenager in a trainee position. He hasn't complained, has "socialised" on line and afaik done the work required. I've had no contact at all from college or employer, but I'm assuming that's normal as he's being treated as an adult.

Over the last month we've been dealing with the news that DH's cancer has returned and will be terminal. Ds2 hasn't told anyone, not friends, colleagues or boss. He says he's fine, although he's not talking, he's never a talker.

Do you think I should let the employer knowm He doesn't want to tell them but can't tell me why. I won't do it against his wishes/without his knowledge but I know having my employer understand the position we're in has been a tremendous help, so wondering if maybe I should talk him round. It would be awful if everything going on did affect his performance at work and jepodised this dream.

Ooooh that’s so hard. Have you raised mentioning it with ds, explaining that employers have certain responsibilities in these situations?

Oh that is a tough one. Is there anyone else in the family or even a close friend who could gently mention to him that it's "normal" to tell your employer something so important. And that his employer would want to know and would want to support him.

If he's not a talker and he's a fairly typical 'I can handle it' late teen I can see why he would regard the idea of telling them with horror - he may also enjoy having a part of his life where he's not expected to think/talk about it - but Haggis is right, the employer has responsibilities to him that mean that having a conversation about what's going on in your personal life can be treated more or less in the same way as talking to them about having a medical procedure coming up that you might need some flexibility for. In other words, not asking for special treatment, just giving your employer a chance to fulfil their duty.

Perhaps for reassurance he could have a chat with Acas or ApprenticeshipConnect for some impartial advice if what he's worried about is you just being Mum (the 'well you would say that wouldn't you' syndrome) rather than actually knowing what you're talking about.

I'm really sorry to hear about your DH.

As an HR person here, I'd really encourage your DS to tell his employer what's going on so they can support him if he needs it. He can tell them he's all fine and dealing with it if that's the case but at least they'll know to be extra kind, keep an eye on him and let him know about the type of support they can give him eg time off if needed, my employer has a really good employee assistance service where you can call and speak to an independent counsellor if you want to talk about anything you fell you can't talk to family or friends about.

I'm so sorry to hear your news op. As a manager of a big team I would much rather know about something like this - it would just mean that if he had an "off" day or wasn't quite his usual self I would make allowances for it and I might just factor it in to one or two planning decisions to make sure we didn't make the world any harder than it needed to be. I've just found out a member of my team has had some stuff going on outside of work for months. I wish I'd known at the outset. I had to make a choice about where to put her in the team and I could have made a much better choice if I'd had that information. She would have benefitted, two sections works both have been more productive & I suspect everyone a bit happier. Sadly I can't mind read. I would encourage him to say sthg. I wish you the best for the next few months xx

My mum died when I was 15 and I didn’t want anyone to know either. It was because I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy, I wanted them to treat me normally. That way school (in his case work) could be a ‘normal’ place where I could temporarily get away from the sadness/fear.

Could you suggest to him telling HR/ his boss’ boss, that way no one too close to him would know? I was terrified that if someone mentioned it I would start to cry.

I certainly could never have spoken to anyone about it myself, but he may accept you telling someone.

So sorry to hear your story.

Your DS sounds a remarkable young man. I wouldn't go against his wishes, but I would encourage him to tell them/let you tell them.

You’d ds has entered a competitive field from the sound of it. If he says nothing and his performance isn’t 100% it will count (and he probably won’t even know but his manager will) talk to him, ask if if he knows when his friends are having a bad day, explain his manager will be the same but not know why. The information won’t be general knowledge but will be to support him. My sympathy op, I’m sorry you have this in front of you

Yes, I can see why he doesn't want it to be general knowledge. For me, it's good that my boss knows and is being supportive, it's not so good that all my colleagues are feeling sad for me, if that makes sense. I need my boss to know what's wrong when I'm struggling, but I don't need colleagues to be asking every 5 mins during the time I'm doing my best to focus on something else.

So sorry op that's really tough.
Maybe you could just have a chat with him and see what he says. I think he is old enough to make his own decisions, so if he doesn't want you too then you just have to respect that.