WWYD - making a will as a single parent - and specifying guardians etc.

[mustbebetter]

hi all,

LP with one DD age 9. I don't own a house, I do have a small amount of savings (a few thousand). Ex Partner is local but has MH issues, and completely useless at any form of childcare (I do 100% at my house), so although he is on the birth certificate I wouldn't want to risk him being given caring responsibilities, and I don't think he would want them anyway although he would probably try to do it - but as he is so useless and a real jekyll and hyde type stress head (cannot handle his own life, let alone a child) it would put my DD in a very difficult situation if he tried and I fear it would negatively impact both their mental health to do this. Hence all care and contact is done at my house with supervision unless i pop out for an hour or so here and there.

I don't have any family locally, my parents are a few hrs away, although my mum is really good and the perfect grandparent, my dad has bipolar disorder (has gone on psychotic episodes before although medicated now is up and down) and is prone to racist rants. So whilst I am sure my mum would absolutely be the best carer, with my dad around I simply couldn't risk care going to her.

1 brother who lives overseas, not an ideal situation in that respect. Although I would probably be ok with him looking after DD and he would be ok with it. He did say he would look after DD if it came to it. So I guess this is my best bet.

No close friends that I feel I would be able to ask to take on parental duties.

And as ex partner is on the birth certificate, and involved in day to day life on a frequent basis (in as much as he comes over a lot and we are in touch despite his MH issues) would this override any custody wishes I put on my will?

Ex partner's family are all overseas, so no second set of grandparents or anything I can fall back on.

What would you do in this situation? Thanks. I've avoided doing anything about it for now because I don't have any assets except a small amount of savings and just not sure how to do the whole guardianship thing. Can you specify reasons against the ex partner's guardianship in a will?

Thanks for advice :)

I’d speak to DB and see if he would be happy to go on your will as sole carer for DD. We have our best friends on ours as both sets of GP’s are way past child rearing age. DS is 13, and we have decent life insurance so they would be able to look after him and he’d have money from 18. Did you know that for roughly £10 a month you can get family income benefit so your DB would get £1000 per month until DD is 18 to raise her (if you don’t have life insurance already through your job).

Make sure you discuss it with db... I looked after a friend's dc while she went to update her will.. When she came back she told me she had named me as the 2 dc's guardian!!
..

I'm not a lawyer, but I think you need legal advice - my understanding is that, if your ex has PR and he wants to have care of your child after your death, then he may well be successful (unless there is a major safeguarding issue). I don't think you can just unilaterally decide he's an unsuitable parent, unless there is good concrete proof. So you need legal advice.

As well as thinking who might be a good guardian, please leave clear instructions about why some relatives should NOT be considered.
Children's services may be involved, depending on the exact circumstances of your death, and they come in with zero information, and normally look to family in the first instance.
If you have reasons to rule someone out, especially the other parent, explain in writing exactly why, giving concrete examples, so it doesn't sound just like your whim. Copy with your will, copy with a friend /relative who promises to pass it on if it's ever needed.

You need to involve her father in the decision. You can’t just unilaterally decide that he wouldn’t want to or be capable of taking care of her, not least because you don’t have the legal right to do so. You may be correct in your assumption, and he may agree that approaching your brother to see if he would want to be her guardian is the best route for all concerned, but in the event of your death you’d create a) a big legal mess and b) a lot of upset for your DD by making a will setting out why he shouldn’t take care of her without him being aware you’d made that will.

You need to talk to your ex.

Unless his mental health issues were very extreme and obvious, the chances are slim that the courts would send your DD overseas to a single man she hardly knows (admittedly that’s just my assumption from what you’ve said) over a parent she had regular contact with.

If your ex doesn’t agree that she should go to your DB (ideally with regular visits back tor the UK to see her DF) and you’re sure that her staying with ex would be completely out of the question then you’d need to really get every possible piece of evidence of his unfitness together to give your DB the ammunition he’d need to fight the case.

And make sure you have life insurance.

Anyone with PR will be carer before guardians via the will.

Tbh, if he has regular contact I would imagine he would be the most appropriate person, and would hopefully step up.

When we were choosing guardians for our dc I saw a helpful TV programme, which suggested that you start from the point of view that if you died that any alternative carer would be imperfect, but you are looking for the best option in an imperfect situation. It helped us.

You need to talk to your ex, mum and brother.
Would your brother move back to look after her?
Would your mother consider moving to be with your DD?
I wouldn’t rule her out, because if for some reason your father would be no longer around when something happened to you then she might be the best choice. (I’m sure my conditionals are wrong, but I hope you get the gist of it!)

thanks everyone, some great points.

to anyone suggesting that my ex might be a better carer, unfortunately he is barely able to look after himself. He has PTSD, OCD and a complex physical health issue, not to mention anxiety, depression and is a hoarder and prone to blowing up in frustration because he cannot handle stress. He cannot look after his own home. Does not wash properly, clean his teeth or wash his clothes often or anything. He hasn't washed his bedsheets in over a year. I haven't visited his home in many years because it is inappropriate to do so. Him looking after DD would be a nightmare.

This just adds to my confusion and worry about it. But yes I do need to speak to my mum and him about it. It is a bit of a sticky subject to approach on all sides, but has to be discussed I guess.

If I were you I would speak to a Will writer or solicitor for advice. Then armed with that knowledge, speak to my family and exh to get a plan in place. And take it from there and get the Will written and signed etc by a professional body.

thank you RoseMartha. I need to hear this kind of practical advice. It's hard to think about because of the many issues and crazy situation already in place. But yes straightforward plan is required. Thank you, and thank you to everyone for all your help :)