Parents with kids with ADHD

[expatinspain]

Looking for a bit of advice here as I'm becoming increasingly concerned about my daughter (11years old). I think there is a possibility she may have ADHD and wanted to know if these patterns of behaviour sound familiar.

She's messy. Room is a disaster, clothes dumped in wardrobe rather than hung up, never puts things away unless asked, just moves them around, creating more mess.

Takes a ridiculous amount of time to get ready in the morning. Just now was in her room with the door closed for 1/2 hour. All she had to do was get dressed and make her bed.

Repeats same behaviour; rudeness, messiness, not doing chores/homework; and punishment seems to have no affect. She will just return to the same behaviour, sometimes after a day or two, sometimes after 10 mins!

Has to be reminded about personal hygiene like cleaning teeth and brushing hair, and frequently doesn't wash her hair properly.

Struggles with maths at school. Even if she's shown how to do a problem, will often forget. In other subjects, she's ok. Her writing and work used to be so messy, but she's got that under control now and is very neat, however, she will stuff the piece of paper her work is on in her school bag and hand in a crumpled copy!!

Her behaviour at school is very good, she has no problems with relationships with her peers, but is definitely a very anxious girl, always has been. She used to get lots of stomachaches when she was younger.

She gets very 'into' things. We have big wars with phone usage, as she can't self regulate and would spend the whole weekend on it if allowed. Also she's just got into Anime and now refuses to watch any other type of series, even ones she used to like.

She is forgetful, but remembers things when she find them important. For example, there's a game they play in PE and they have a special glove, which she always remembers without any prompting, but will forget to give me letters from school or which date an exam is on etc. I've given her so many different organisers to use, but she rarely does.

I would put many of these things down to being a normal preteen, but the behaviour that stands out to me is the fact that no effort is made to change if she gets in trouble at home. I remember when I was younger if my mum punished me for being messy/cheeky etc, I would change my behaviour for a while at least. I think most kids do. That's why I'm getting more concerned it's something out of her control.

Might not be ADHD. I would also suggest that you look up girls with ASD with PDA if you don't know about it. Often people with this presentation end up getting an ADHD diagnosis first and the ASD/PDA diagnosis later (and it is so important to try and get the diagnosis right first time as the techniques are different). Behaviour better at school and worse at home is very familiar (masking). The PDA society is very helpful.

Thank you. I've never heard of that. I'll have a look.

My DD is similar and we're just starting down the assessment route. She's 17 and struggling horribly at college as their school environment masked the issues massively. We, GP & the psychologist who she's seeing for anxiety all believe that she has inactive ADHD type. CAMHS have told me to basically piss off twice in the last 4 months so I approached her psychologist and GP and they did the Connors mhs questionnaire with her, me & her college tutor which scored highly for inactive ADHD so she's now been refered for a full NHS assessment. Looking back DD 's problems were evident in Y3 and at parents evenings we'd be looking at work books with absolutely no complete work in them. She can't organise herself even with planners, has trouble sleeping, tasks take a long time, work never handed in on time unless a punishment was likely, poor personal hygiene, can not concentrate for even short periods, wants to be tidy but can't motivate herself to tidy, poor communication skills, shuts down rather than explain herself to teachers, fixates on subjects, sits on 2-3 screens at one time. But is highly artistic, caring and lovely to spend time with although finds it hard to maintain relationships. Academically, DD is highly capable but can't keep to deadlines or focus on classes or homework. Her 23yr old brother has just been diagnosed with ADHD privately but in order to get medication he now has to get a NHS diagnosis and this will take 2 years.

We are now waiting for an NHS assessment as meds can not been given without one unless you want to pay for private prescription but we are also getting a private assessment (goodbye £1k!) so that college can give DD more support right now before her exams go down the plug hole. On top of that DD has a chronic lifelong illness which she can't cope with (hence the psychologist) so things are pretty bad.

In your case, I would write a list of your DD 's issues and check it against info online and if you think that there is an issue see her GP as soon as you can as children diagnosed before the age of 12 getting better access to the process. Get her school on board of they agree that there could be an issue as CAMHS will probably be obstructive. With girls ADHD is often masked but then gets worse in teenage years. Hope this helps as until 4 months ago I had no idea that DD could have ADHD and her issues were put down as odd or not making an effort/lazy - she has over the last few years been blaming herself and thinking that she must be lazy despite working her socks off.

Unfortunately we're in Spain, not the U.K. and it's quite behind the U.K. here. There are actually still a few GP's who think ADHD isn't real. Once this Covid situation is over I'm going to get a doctor's appt, as you can't even get one at the moment, and take this forward. If necessary I'll get a private diagnosis if I get no joy with the GP.

I would say from what you have written, potentially yes. I have ADHD and a lot of your daughter's traits seem very familiar. Reading your post made me feel a bit sad because I was probably very similar and undiagnosed until adulthood so didn't ever get the support I needed- it was probably just assumed that I didn't care.

I strongly feel that hardly any people in life are just "lazy", there is usually an underlying cause to any persistent issues where a person struggles with following through and completing tasks, staying organised etc. I have always had the best intentions to keep my space tidy, help my mum with the housework (as a young adult), sort out my finances, hand work in on time, but I just couldn't do it. Which is what makes it disabling.

I think it is definitely worth seeking an assessment (not ruling out possible conditions mentioned above too). A diagnosis/treatment could change your daughters life, and the younger the better.

Having said all that, I haven't yet been a parent to an 11 year old so I don't what a neurotypical 11 year old would be like.

I hope you get the support you need from a GP/specialist.

@expatinspain
Sorry didn't notice your name .
Some doctors here still don't recognise it hence DS's late diagnosis. I've been fighting to get him help since he was 7. Thankfully DD's college are fully on board and have given her 3 hours of learning support each fortnight but with a private diagnosis she will get more help immediately. If you don't get anywhere with your GP then do pay for a private assessment of you can afford it and push the school as they have a duty of care regardless of what country you're living in. As it is we are on a 2 year wait for an NHS assessment but at least we've managed to get on the list which is an achievement!

Thatgirl82 That made me so sad to read your post and I'm sorry you didn't get the help needed when you were younger. That's my worry for DD. We seem to be in a constant battle at the moment and I feel guilty because it seems like I'm always on her back and micromanaging her. If I don't though, she often doesn't take it on to remember/do things herself. I'm hesitant about the medicating side of things, but I guess if it helps, then so be it. Maybe she is just a disorganised person. Who knows? I think I have to take this forward with a professional though, as I feel like eventually our relationship will be damaged and I need to know how to best deal with things. I don't think I'm doing very well at the moment 😔

Sounds very familiar to my childhood and i have just been diagnosed at 40yrs old with ADD.

Please push to get her some help. Its terrible to grow up thinking you are lazy, stupid and bad at school. Its left me with lots of selfesteem issues which have taken a lot of therapy to sort out!

I feel so relieved since my diagnosis (only a 4 wks ago) its brilliant to know that's actually its not my fault!

Jade At the moment, she is doing ok at school, not great, but good enough. It's more the disorganisation that's a problem for her. I feel like a sergeant major somethings; teeth, school bag, brush hair, homework, tidy up, wash your hair properly. If I don't remind her, the majority of things she just wouldn't do. The mornings are a disaster, she can take 45mins to get dressed as she is distracted by something or other. Now she's older and has her privacy, I have no idea what she's doing for that time. I'm really worried for when she goes to high school and has to be organised with books, exams, projects etc.

Yes she sounds very similar to my son who is diagnosed with ADHD. Getting a diagnosis is useful, and meds can be life changing.

But having said that, if you read around ADHD you can learn a lot about why your daughter behaves the way she does, and things you and she can do to help her and accept her.

Even with a diagnosis, she'll need help with learning strategies for living with ADHD.

I found that once I understood why my son behaved the way he did, it was much easier to forgive things he did that drove us all crazy, and work with him on ways to improve his behaviour.

ADDitude magazine (and website) is very useful but there are all sorts of other resources online.

I also found that once I understood how his brain worked, I appreciated him a lot more. This article for example www.additudemag.com/why-i-love-teaching-kids-with-adhd/ really sums up many of the things I love about my son. He's quick and very very funny. He's very loving. He's an incredible performer. When he hyperfocuses on something he achieves amazing things. When he's motivated to do something, he does it to the nth degree.

Us accepting him has helped him accept himself, which has helped massively with the anxiety he was suffering.

My DS is only 6 but the messiness, forgetfulness and 'into things' is very him. His hyperactive behaviour is obvious though. I was also diagnosed as an adult - after my son - and agree completely with @ThatGirl82. Worth remembering and reminding school/doctors ADHD can present differently in girls, especially since the stereotype is naughty little boys who can grow out of it, so even if school don't necessarily see the same behavioural issues as they might expect in boys it doesn't mean it isn't there. I suspect that is part of the reason I wasn't diagnosed as a child.

DS1 (8) is like your daughter. He has both ASD and ADHD. He has just started medication and the change in him is AMAZING! He said he feels like he's able to concentrate, and has been asking for tons of extra work in school. I feel like I've got all of him in the room with me, rather than just a fraction.

PM me if you have any questions.

Thank you all 😊

My brother has ADHD and presents similarly to your daughter, very untidy and disorganised. Also my eldest daughter (11) sounds very similar.
She has diagnosis of dyslexia and dyspraxia - they sometimes be linked to ADHD. (She also has poor spelling, but is an excellent reader.)
DD1 was diagnosed via an educational psychologist. I didn't mention ADHD as at that point I didn't know my brother had it, or that it could be linked, but I see similarities between her and my brother a lot. She struggles to focus and in the report it says she has an auditory processing disorder (really struggles to listen and absorb).

I've had suggestions of visual timetables, lists etc but the only thing that works is short, sharp verbal reminders - think 'shoes' rather than 'shoes please'. It's no good putting reminders on her phone as she frequently forgets to charge it!

Just had a classic moment with DS (who is 15 and has ADHD).

I brought home his meds, we talked about where to store them. I'd also asked him to wipe down the side after making his toast, and empty/reload the dishwasher. And he had some toast he wanted to eat.

He was clearly panicking about remembering everything and feeling overwhelmed. So we stopped, got a pad of paper, and wrote them down in order.

Wipe side
Eat toast
Put meds away
Empty/reload dishwasher
Go back to doing homework.

It's so simple but he literally cannot hold that much information in his head at once.

You have described my daughter. She got a diagnosis at aged 13, although we had wondered about it for ages. We eventually decided to go for it because of GCSEs being on the horizon, and the psychologist had no hesitation (and diagnosed me informally while we were all there!).

Things that make a very mild difference are magnesium supplements (we use a Floradix one) and fish oils. The only thing that has really worked for us is medication, and it's life saving. She can do things which are otherwise impossible.

My daughter has dyspraxia and I think possible adhd. Your post definitely sounds familiar.

I went on a parenting session for adhd run by a local soldiery. The thing I remember them saying was around how to word stuff. If you use a full sentence they will often forget the beginning before they get to the end if you then repeat it maybe changing a word that makes it even harder to take in. So I tend to use single words. - face teeth hair so she doesn't have the excess 'stuff' to decipher. Her room is also a disaster - she gets overwhelmed when there is too much that she doesn't know where to start. This actually applies to anything tbh. Even giving her too many choices at breakfast overwhelms her and she gets worked up.