DH and I had a bit of a discussion at the weekend and I can't stop thinking about how I just could not even get him to see my point of view, not even a little bit.
The discussion was over me feeling like I have given up a lot by having the DC. He takes that to mean I think he hasn't had to give up anything and then it turns into a competition.
He thinks I have it easy and cannot see that I have given up something in every area of my life.
The main issue is work. He is the MN cliche of having a big job. It is stressful for him and I am sympathetic. He did this job pre DC and I can count on one finger the number of days he has had to take off work to look after the DC.
I work too and did the usual going PT after having them which in hindsight was a huge mistake.
Because he earns the lion share of the money I feel he is in control of everything else. We moved house last year and looking back, I don't think my feelings or opinion counted for much. The location was based on what is best for him to get to work (when he goes back) rather than for me to get the DC to school and then on to work.
As soon as we moved in he had huge buyers remorse and was basically in tears over having a bigger mortgage and him now having to work for the next 10 years to pay for it.... but then he does nothing to help me progress my career. He can never do any drop off or collection, it is all down to me.
I was due to do a course and exam last year to help me to secure a promotion but with Covid and the lack of school etc I had to postpone because he refused to take time off for me to attend the virtual course and I just couldn't fit the study in around homeschooling and work. I am trying to study again now but it just isn't happening.
He is WFH and works all day and most of the evening. I do all the childcare and homeschool and then I have to work all evening and some of the weekend in my job. On the one hand, my job is more flexible but on the other I am knackered. He keeps working all evening too claiming that he has to but a big part of me thinks he does it because he cannot be seen to be having more down time than me. That or he worries he might have to do some housework.
Financially I am pretty screwed now. If I had stayed working FT and hadn't had two stretches of maternity leave I would probably be earning 3x what I do now. He does not have to think about DC if he takes a promotion or different role whereas I have to deal with logistics if I even want to do half an hours overtime.
He thinks that me not being able to work overtime is a positive for me, that he has to work all the hours because we all rely on him.
Well, yes, we do, because you refuse to have it any other way.
Financially I do have access to all of our shared money, we share it all. But that isn't the point, is it? If he walked out tomorrow me and DC would not be able to manage on my salary but he could go off and have a rather lovely life on his. He does not see that this leaves me in a precarious position - I HATE feeling like this. I always paid my own way and have been self sufficient for 25 years.
In normal times he is able to grab a quick beer after work etc without any worries whereas I am constantly dashing about getting DC and going to various clubs and cooking etc. Anything I want to do has to be planned within an inch of its life and he still ends up having the final control if it means him getting in from work on time (or even now, taking over with the DC at a reasonable time).
I know now that I shouldn't have let things get this far but DH has never really been vocal about how much he appears to resent being the breadwinner - I have definitely complained to him about my lot 
- but this is the first time he has ever really thrown it back at me. He was really quite horrible about it.
How do I explain the above to him? He completely belittled me at the weekend and everything came back to poor him "having" to work 70 hours a week to keep me in a life of luxury (this is not the case, I am not a big spender).