Feel at my lowest tonight

[StormsDontLastForever]

Just need to write this down & hopefully after doing so I can start to feel a bit better. Suffered with depression and anxiety on and off for years, it's at its peak now due to lockdown etc. Tonight I just feel at my absolute lowest, considered getting in my car and just driving to the middle of nowhere for a day or 2 just to clear my head but have a dh and dd who would be out of their minds without me here!

So snappy today, just feeling totally deflated and upset, I know many people are the same just now due to lockdown! Dh works all day, I'm at home with dd and dog, trying to keep on top of housework, drop off family shopping, entertain dd and most importantly trying to get dd to do homeschooling, she often takes the mickey & knows I'll let her away with it, I just feel like a failure in this department, she's going to be behind at school, I do try my best with the school work but sometimes I admit I make her do some stuff then always say to myself we will do more tomorrow & it never happens.

So greatful that dh works and provides for us etc but recently I just want him at home more than ever, he gets on my nerves at times but I feel so much safer when he is at home.

We have absolutley no routine whatsoever! 1:30am and I'm still wide awake, will be tired all day tomorrow then the same again tomorrow night, total vicious circle! Stupidly had a nap today (late afternoon) so have made my sleeping pattern so much worse!

Can't go anywhere, can't see anyone. I fully understand people are dying from this virus and getting seriously ill, but I just wish that we could have a normal life again! Life really is too short and I am spending my days recently being so depressed and anxious when I should be living life to the full.

As I say I just really needed to get this out & see if there is anyone else in the same situation, as all my friends etc seem to be "feeling fine" and I feel like I am just a constant drainer.

You are definitely not alone in this. I actually think it's quite common unfortunately

@StormsDontLastForever Aw, I'm sending a hug! I understand. I can relate to a lot of what you say. Do you feel better for having written it down?

@WaveOverMe thank you  I know there are so many feeling the same just now, it's awful.

@PainterInPeril thank you yes I do feel slighly better that I have written it down, however my mind is still facing and I am dreading what tomorrow will bring in terms of my feelings etc

I’m sorry you are feeling like this, lockdown is affecting us all in different ways. What I would say is cut yourself some slack, relax and go with the flow. Don’t put to much pressure on you or try yo homeschool to a fixed schedule, work with your child at a time that suits her. I found out DS is more receptive to learning when he has got the energy out of the way but before he was over tired. I found he could go through maths better an hour after physical activity and would run through his reading just before bed after his bath.

I have raised my child alone since he was in reception and I totally understand how lockdown can make you feel when locked in with a small child full of demands. I found that the only way I could have time to myself was by waking up a couple of hours earlier than him which gave me the time to read, exercise with a DVD and tidy up the house without distractions before he woke up. Obviously, it seems easier to do all this after they go to bed but IME I was too tired to do much after a busy day. I found sitting outside in the garden with a coffee and blanket at dawn did made my day much better. I felt in control and relaxed to do all stuff so I could forget about things while I was busy with DS.

Remember, this time is about surviving , this is not a time for perfection, use “good enough is good enough” as a mantra 🙂

I’m sorry you feel so crap. Please don’t feel you have to be living life to the full, especially right now - a lot of “full” isn’t available! Getting by is enough.

I know what you mean about lack of routine. This has never been something I’m good at but now it’s just ridiculous, my youngest’s nursery shut on feb 2nd and we’ve just spiralled without that last bit of regularity. Older two are up later each night (I’ve put automatic limits on their phones to try and combat this as just trying to remind the eldest to bring her phone down was exhausting), and well, hello, here I am posting at gone 3am. Middle child is long term home educated and in lockdown 1 was doing brilliantly, finally reaching his potential, we had daily target lists and everything, now it’s a battle to do more than a bit of maths as we are all just so fucking DONE.

Sorry, that’s not actually helpful or encouraging at all is it.

What tiny actions would help a bit? They don’t have to be things that make it all better. Any improvement is good, and worthwhile.

For me it’s
-decent vitamins because I don’t need shortages of stuff like iron on top of this shit
-escaping into hobbies - reading, art, piano
-getting outside (I’m now a pokemon go player and I never thought I’d say that but it’s seriously helped motivate me to walk more) and exercising at home
-trying my damnedest to build some kind of habits up, self care is a weak point for me, but crucially I do NOT expect perfection of myself and if I don’t manage something I don’t beat myself up or give up
-NOT forcing nice jolly family time that feels fake right now because we are all stuck together. If the odd moment happens then great, I enjoy it, and privately I write it down, so I can look back one day and know that even though I feel like a shit mum most of the time, I am enough.

@StormsDontLastForever Is this where you got your username? I have this screenshot to remind me to breathe and let the anxiety go. How are you doing today?

Thank you all I will read through comments and reply later on. Totally deflated today. Just want to sleep and wake up when this is all over

@StormsDontLastForever Thinking of you Hope you sleep as well as you can, and have a better day tomorrow.

I know the feeling op, I've had a day like this today. Must have taken myself into the bathroom and had a good cry at least 5 times without the children seeing. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day

I feel the same OP. My DH is working too, I'm trying to homeschool 3 DC who are all struggling. My youngest has screamed at me all week and I'm at the end of my tether. I don't want to wake up in the mornings.
No help I know but just wanted to let you know you're not alone

Could you have a simple routine around walking the dog maybe to get out the house for a bit? It helps me with mental health a little. I put it off but getting out in the fresh air is good for everyone.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate all the reply's, you are all so kind . I managed to get out for a bit of fresh air today & it has helped slightly. Can't walk the dog on my own until his new collar and leash comes as at the moment he is far too strong for me (large German shepherd) so dh has the task of that at the moment. Still feeling totally deflated tonight, I know a lot of people are in the same situation but it is just so draining. Had such a terrible sleep last night, horrible nightmares and waking for hours at a time, hoping tonight is a bit better. Sympathies to all who are feeling the same at the moment

I know just how you feel. I’m Homeschooling a primary school aged child and have a 2 year old and am meant to be working from home. It’s horrendous. 2 year old has nap at 11am ish so I use this time to try and get older child to do his home schooling , but today he fell and banged his cheek on the corner of his toy box and screamed the house down, luckily it’s only bruised and not cut but he was inconsolable and then 2 yr old woke with all the noise so I had 2 of them crying their eyes out on me at same time, I just ignored my work phone ringing. I felt like crying myself. I abandoned the home school for today, I just couldn’t do it. I let them watch films/play with their toys all day for the sake of my own mental health. DH gets in from work and does nothing, I cook tea for everyone and clear away. I do all house work and laundry. I have not got the strength to bring this up again cos it will only be turn into a row which I can’t face right now. I feel guilty about not doing the school work but I asked the teacher if I could order the maths book that they do a worksheet from everyday and I’ve told myself when they got back to school , one hour every weekend I’ll sit down and go through one of the worksheets with him. My son sometimes just refuses to do any school work I just don’t know how to handle it, I’m thinking are other people’s kids like this? Pls don’t feel alone, you are not, and pls don’t be too hard on yourself, be kind to yourself xxx

@Diamondella my 7 year old has refused school all this week. We've done little bits but not much. She's not coping emotionally anymore. Her teachers say not to worry but I'm worried and conscious how much school she's missing.
You can only do what you can, you sound like you're doing a great job!

OP I feel you. The relentlessness of working, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning and never leaving home combined with bitter cold is really testing. I hope things get better for you soon.