Vodafone likes to inform its customers there's a pandemic on. For some reason this virus makes them particularly inept, whereas us mere mortals are doing the best we can to manage. I thought it would be useful to entertain ourselves with their spectacular incompetence.
Besides which many of you have been homeschooling so I thought this would make a great case study to test your Key Stages.
SCIENCE
Which of these is should customers take before interacting with Vodafone?
a) Immodium
b) General anaesthetic
c) Senokot
d) Valium
(1 MARK)
HISTORY
Put the following events into Chronological order....
- Lose will to live
- Two weeks ago fifteen day old phone stops making calls
- Admit there was a mast problem five days later
- Deny any problems with transmission
- Force customer to spend six hours on webchat trying to work out why phone doesn't work.
(5 MARKS)
MATHS
After spending six hours being told via webchat
"I'm sorry"
'I would love to help"
"I just need to read what's happened so far"
"Let me transfer you..."
-
What is the average time it takes each rep to pass a customer from pillar to post? Show your workings (5 MARKS)
-
How could Polly, stuck on a webchat, rendering her unable to earn her living, have spent that time? (10 MARKS)
ENGLISH
Convert the following example of Indirect Speech into Direct Speech suitable for use to maximise offense to the customer.
But hey they said they couldn't give a fuck about how they treat customers and they are forced to pretend they give a shit and want to help but... you know it's time for lunch/for me to scratch my arse/give time to pissing other customers off until the end of the shift
PSYCHOLOGY
Explain Gaslighting using the following information
- Returns Department confirms they have received the phone but haven't checked it yet.
- "Please don't leave us dept" sends text stating you owe £750 for breaking contract.
- Website Rep confirms you will be released from contract with no penalty if you return phone
- Complaints department denies confirmation of phone return and tells you you have to prove it.
- Twenty people have stated they would love to help and then added new complications.
BUSINESS STUDIES
Explain how the Silo Effect maximise company inefficiencies (15 MARKS)
CITIZENSHIP
Hello Polly. My name is Samir from Vodafone and this is confirmation of your requested call back today at 23:00. I'll be calling you from the number 08080 000 133 to chat things through. I look forward to speaking to you.
Why might someone NOT look forward to receiving this phone call? (2 MARKS)
GOOD LUCK EVERONE! I trill with my best teacher voice!