Is this OCD? Scared of feeling ‘happy’

[IsthisocdOrnormal]

I have diagnosed ocd, about ten years ago, not very well controlled .

One of my biggest fears is being afraid of feeling happy or relaxed as I don’t know what’s coming next . For example, I’ve had a couple of good bits of news tonight, but I’m now sitting terrified that something awful is coming my way to ‘make up for it’.

I do this all the time, if I’m having a nice day, if I’m laughing, or on holiday, out for the day, I leave quickly or hide away because I’m scared I shouldn’t feel happy and I‘ll have to somehow pay for it in a run of bad luck . I don’t feel like I deserve to feel good and it’s a better thing to feel a bit sad and worried because I know where’ I’m at then! Nothing good lasts forever, something bad always catches up somehow and I’m scared of what the next bad thing might be . For example if one of my family ends up ill or harmed or something .

Tonight I keep thinking, ‘oh that was lovely news, but it won’t last and xyz terrible events might happen, and then what will I do?’

I’ve never explained this to GP as I think they’ll assume I’m daft or something . It’s like believing in fate or something and it’s all a bit weird, but so uncomfortable to try and sit with .

Does it sound like OCD?

Catastrophising maybe? I’m a bit like that and that’s what I was told I do, I catastrophise things, but I do have OCD and anxiety so I suppose it’s all linked.
It really is worth speaking to your GP about, they could refer you for CBT or something that could help. They won’t think you are daft.

www.sane.org/information-stories/the-sane-blog/managing-symptoms/how-to-stop-catastrophising

I see it as like Ying and Yang.
There is good, there is bad, there is the bad in the good and the good in the bad. Because I am obsessed with symmetry, it's like I try and find the good in the bad and the bad in the good, when there is too much good I expect the balance to tip and that I'm due some bad. I also have to do things symmetrically when I do everything from eat to brush my teeth to clean something, it's the way I dance and the way I walk and the way I do yoga. Everything has to be symmetrical.

I have had periods of OCD and a life time of anxiety though, so it's part of that

It could be. It sounds like you have a really good understanding of your thoughts, which would work well with CBT.

Medication is the only thing that keeps my OCD at bay.

Mine is intrusive thoughts that lead to obsessional rituals etc. Very very debilitating.

Sertraline allows me to lead a normal life.

I have a long history of anxiety disorder, and this way of thinking is very familiar to me. I'm always scanning for impending disaster, ESPECIALLY if I catch myself feeling happy or relaxed. I blame it on growing up with n emotionally unstable parent and the hypervigilance which comes from that. Paxil has really helped to keep the anxiety at manageable levels though - used it for over 20 years now.

I have always been anxious, but I've been able to brush these kinds of thoughts off as catastrophizing; however since Covid, I can't.

Prior to covid, my life was going great; I was really leaning into success and confidence - I felt like things were truly going my way. Some days I felt like I was floating on a cloud of brilliance. I felt like I was flowing my way through life.

Then, one day last January I found myself in the middle of a completely novel viral outbreak, in a village suddenly locking down, thousands of kilometers from my home. And since then, I can't, I cannot trust the good. I am always waiting for the bad. It has done something to me. Like I said, I always had anxiety, but for at least five days last January, I told myself I was catastrophizing, that everything would be fine, and I was so, so wrong, and yes, like you, OP, I feel like the good is just a tiny prelude to something very, very bad, and relaxing or enjoying it for a moment would be to take my eye off the ball and possibly miss whatever's coming next, in exactly the way I missed the pandemic coming. It's mental, but I don't know how to rationalize myself back out of it.

It is, fundamentally, a way of thinking that is not normal or healthy, and I guess the trick is to find a way to feel safe enough to stop thinking this way.

I have diagnosed OCD and have the same feelings. I've done CBT in the past which helped a bit and have had periods on Sertraline too. Just stopped Sertraline and the feelings are back.