11 yo boy ruling the roost

[bestbitsbetter]

A couple I know are really struggling with their son.

There are lots of kids in the household. He is second oldest, but acts more like a 15 year old. He's on his XBOX constantly, shouting and swearing, up until 4-5am and then sleeping through til mid afternoon. He won't do anything he's told to do, won't do online learning during lockdown and smashes doors and hits walls when he doesn't get his own way.

His parents are learning disabled and really struggle with boundaries, house rules etc. They have had support from lots of different organisations but as soon as that support ends, it just gets worse again.

I'm at a loss to know what could be done to help them. Does anyone have any gems of advice or know of support that could be accessed?

I have no experience of this, but the first thing I would do is get rid of the X Box.

I think he needs to be seen by someone if he hasn't already. Not normal behaviour. If there's no issue and it's just bad behaviour, I'd take his x box, tv and phone if he has one until he learns to go to bed at a reasonable time and behave in an acceptable manner.

What’s in your power to do?

Can you provide them all with some actual support? Routines? The child really should be having better boundaries, no child should be playing their Xbox until 4/5 in the morning.

You can take his Xbox away, but are his parent capable of supporting him with other stuff to fill his time?

Personally depending on the relationship I’d be contacting the school to ask for some home school link support.

If you're concerned for the child you could report to the school

I'd be concerned about what exactly he's doing on the X-box. Some of it might be graphic and totally inappropriate for his age group.

And yes, take the thing away.

I sympathise hugely. My younger son was a little like this from age 9-15 and is thankfully now (17) almost past it.

I can recommend this course

https://www.sharingparenting.com/for-parents/sharing-parenting-courses/raising-teens/

The words "parenting course" make people feel defensive: I certainly felt like that. But they're not courses to teach you, they're for sharing experience and knowledge and helping parents get the most out of their families. It's the most rewarding thing I did and made a huge difference to our family dynamic. I don't know how/if they're being run during the pandemic but it's worth investigating.

In addition, I got the pastoral care team at school involved and my son had a few sessions with a counsellor who visited the school. If school staff are aware of issues at home, it feels like you're not alone, even when the child is an Angel at school.

Experienced SENCOs at schools will also be able to signpost to other agencies for help, or be able to arrange assessment, if applicable, for conditions such as ADHD, ASD, ODD, which might be contributing to a child's behavioural issues.

Removing the console is an obvious answer, but parents of children like this one (and my one!) know that it's not that easy. My child could physically hurt me, and did, so it often was easier to go for the 'quiet life' option. Professional guidance can help you to manage situations to avoid the escalation to anger, damage and assault.

Thank you for caring about this family

Thank you, everyone. Part of the issue is that the parents don’t really understand time, so they’ll take the XBOX away for ‘a year’ then give it back two days later. It’s been a long, slow process of no rules and few consequences so he just does whatever he wants. Practically, I can help with setting routines and giving advice, but I know they find it so hard to be consistent and as soon as I went home, they’d lapse back.

Pink cheesy, thanks for the link and for sharing your experience. I really feel for the parents, but my heart goes out to this young boy who is savvy, funny and smart, but just seems on a path to hell.

Social services. They need an assessment. Sounds like the parents need ongoing support to parent.

They need a sw assessment focusing on the needs of the child rather than the needs of the parents. This is a really bad situation, he's at risk of all sorts.

He's communicatingbtobthe world that his parents who aren't really up to the job of parenting alone. They need support. And he needs them to be supported. I imagine that's a pretty scary place to be and no wonder he feels the need to be in control. You can't separate the child from the environment. His behaviour is communication