Any donor conceived people out there? Or just anyone that could help me think a little clearer!

[EternalProcrastinator101]

Hi,

Long shot perhaps, but I am losing my mind with trying to make this decision and could really do with hearing from that perspective.

Decision being, to have a baby through donor sperm or not. I just can't make a decision and it's sending me a little crazy!

We're a same sex couple, mid/late 30's with no known fertility issues, except for the not so small issue of not having that vital baby making ingredient.

I already have a dc (early teen) and I am lucky to have them, but we really did want to grow our family. However, I just can't seem to get past the fact that our donor conceived dc won't have access to half their biology until they (if they decide to) turn 18. What if they resent us? What if it screws them up because they have an identity crisis? I have heard lots of positive stories, but the negative ones really stick.

I would absolutely love more dc, but should I just be thankful for what we have?

I'm worried that friends aren't giving me genuine advice for fear of being seen as homophobic. I get lots of "just go for it" "a child only needs love" etc, but is it really that simple?

Please, some advice would be so much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Hi, I would never has a child by a donor for a few reasons,
Like you say they will not have knowledge of 1/2 of there biology.
If they do go looking for answers at 18 it could be very upsetting for all.
How do they have boyfriends/ girlfriends when you don’t know who they are related to.
I realise many people do use donors and are fine with it, these are just my thoughts.

No direct experience, sorry, but this thread looks helpful:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/4046175-To-donor-conceived-adults?msgid=100837905

I know someone who used donor sperm to have her DC as a single parent. She paid more money to get some from America, as they give much more information on their profiles for you and DC. It also avoids the accidentally getting into relationships with siblings etc

I have lesbian mums and was conceived with donor sperm. In my 30s now and never been an issue. Even if I could find my donor (probably couldn’t, don’t know who he was as was before lesbian couples could use clinics) I wouldn’t. Beyond a vague curiosity about what he might look like it is not something I think about at all. Am occasionally reminded when I’m asked about medical history that I don’t know half of it but lots of people are in that situation.
I love my family and feel very lucky to have two mums.

Thanks for the replies so far.

@noquestionofadoubt21, that's lovely to read. Do you feel you are in a minority with feeling this? Are you in touch with any other donor conceived people? Have you watched the linked video? The woman speaking is so full of anger, it's actually a little painful to watch. Tbh, I think she really does cross the line into blatant homophobia by the end, but what she says in the beginning about looking at herself in the mirror as a child and wondering where she got x feature from, I could imagine being a struggle for lots of donor conceived children. Did you ever wonder this? What did you feel when seeing other mum/dad families? Father's day etc. Sorry to bombard you with questions, but I'm really incredibly interested to hear your perspective.

I know many other lesbian families and most of their children don’t have a problem with it as far as I know. The families which have had problems are the ones where the donor is involved (which can get very complicated) or with adopted children where the situation is very different.
I was never bullied about it, although my parents worried I would be. I went to school in a very diverse area where traditional families were probably in the minority. Lots of single parents and blended families. So that probably made a difference. Families with same sex parents are much more common now so I imagine it would be less of an issue.
I probably was a bit embarrassed by it at times when I was a child but all children are embarrassed by their parents! It was difficult for my parents having to explain/justify themselves in the 80s and 90s but as I say I think it is more accepted now.
As I’ve got older it has been a huge source of pride and everyone I tell is always very interested. I make a point of telling people (when appropriate) as it is my very small way of trying to battle prejudice. I am straight, have children, am well educated and have a professional job and sometimes people are surprised to hear about my family.
I don’t think we really did Father’s Day at school! I don’t think I was jealous about not having a father and was very close to my grandfather. I have a big extended family with lots of uncles and male cousins.
As I say, I am sometimes curious about what he looks like but it is just a curiosity and not something I think about often. Maybe more so since I had my own children. I look exactly like my birth mum anyway.
No family is perfect and you can’t guarantee that any child is not going to end up hating their parents. One thing about being donor conceived is that you have never have any doubt about how much you were wanted. I am also sure there are many donor conceived children with straight parents who have no idea - same sex parents obviously don’t have the option of hiding it (not that it should be hidden).

Just watched that video and her experience doesn’t resonate with mine at all. It’s sad she feels that way but I think lots of what she said is homophobic and sexist. I don’t know anyone with lesbian parents who feels that way - or at least no one who has ever said anything like that to me.

As a previous poster said, many folk who were adopted have similar issues around identity, knowing their medical history etc. I don’t think “a child just needs love” covers it, you’d need to think about what you’d tell your child as they grow in terms of their family and your choice to use a donor but thats not insurmountable and not at all restricted to same sex couples.

I’d also consider that some of the people you’re watching are now adults who were raised when there was much less understood about how to support a sense of identity and when there was possibly more stigma around both donor conception and same sex families which may have really had an impact on them and their views of their family. I know it’s not always straightforward even now, but folk tend to be more aware if not always more open minded.

Of course a child needs more than love - you have a child, so you know that. But the bit that is more than love isn't biology. It's tenacity, compassion, shelter, food, encouragement, a sense of belonging, stability, and a hundred other things. Your child will have two parents. You have said you can't decide whether to have a baby through donor sperm, you haven't said what, to you, is the alternative. There are many, from the websites that allow you to find a gay man to co-parent with, fostering, adoption, no more babies, one night stand (you don't have to enjoy it for it to result in pregnancy) use the sperm of one of your brothers (less weird if you aren't using one persons egg in the other person's body so someone is carrying their bils baby not their brothers). I'm not advocating any of these options (one night stand seems a particularly poor choice) just asking which of those seems a better option than donor sperm?

We have a same sex couple in our family who have both donor conceived. They have a joyful little family. There are actually lots of children’s books our there aimed for children of sperm and egg donors.

Happy kids turn in to happy adults.

@noquestionofadoubt21, thanks so much for sharing. Sounds like your diverse surroundings would have had a very positive impact. Where we live, I can only think of one other same sex couple with children and I think it's still seen as a bit of village gossip. Not in a overtly bigoted way necessarily, but just because it's still very much out of the "norm", so raises a few eyebrows. Would absolutely love to live somewhere more diverse and inclusive! I think that would give me much more confidence to go ahead, as we could just surround our dc with like minded people. I have already reached out to several couples on social media, so we could build up a network, but I don't think it's the same as that every day feeling that your family is just like anyone else's...if that makes sense, that it sounds like you had.

@Jellycatspyjamas, that's a very good point.

@Love51, the alternative would probably just be no baby at all, although we have considered adoption. We also considered a known donor. Not for a co parenting set up, but just so the dc could easily find out their roots if they wanted to, but after a bit of research, decided against this.

@Floridaflipflops, I have looked at several books like this and it would definitely be a helpful tool to explain in an early and age appropriate way.

I wouldn’t say that I felt my family was like everyone else’s, more that there were lots of different kind of family rather than everyone else having a nuclear family.

Hi, just posting quickly but the Donor Conception Network might be of some help, not sure if you are already aware of them?
www.dcnetwork.org/

I know two same sex couples who’ve had a baby via unknown donors. The overarching thing they do is talk about this with their respective children (one is 5, the other is 8). This means that nothing is a shock or a secret. They know they have 2 mummies, not a mummy and daddy, but that mummy had to have help from a sperm donor. They have books that they share - I’m not sure which ones, but a quick google search will come up with some suggestions.
I believe being honest from the beginning, always being open to discussion and answering questions honestly is the key to having a happy, emotionally secure child.

Hi OP,

I am also in a same sex couple and I have one donor conceived child. He's 3, so obviously we don't know yet how he'll feel about it when he's older but we know lots of two mum families of a variety of ages that have been very open about how they were conceived. The overwhelming message these kids are getting is how much they were wanted, which I think helps. We read lots of books to our son about different types of families and he already knows he is donor conceived and tells his friends at nursery about how he has two mums. We tell him that our love made him with a little help from the donor and a doctor.

I am a member of a Facebook group called LGBT Parents UK and there was a discussion recently about donor conception that was really interesting, and a few people who were donor conceived themselves in the discussion. It might be worth joining the group and having a read.

Also agree with PP that the donor conception network is a fabulous resource.