Please could I have some advice about my nearly 3 year old?

[Snow2021]

I know that very small children aren't yet able to moderate their emotions etc but I'm not clear on when tantrums are no longer age appropriate, or how to react to them.

So far I've always taken the approach of empathising with her but not conceding to whatever it is (though I do pick my battles in the first place) and trying to model good behaviour, and keeping clear boundaries so she knows what to expect. We've discussed how to calm down like with deep breaths but that's probably over her head at the moment.

What she absolutely hates though is naming the feeling - so if I say I can see she's upset she screams and tells me to stop talking, or trying to get her to say what she wants when she really wants something but for some reason won't say it provokes a similar reaction. For example she'll make a squeaky noise going past the playground and I know she wants to go in, her speech is really good so she could just say what she wants but if I ask her what she wants she'll throw herself on the floor. Do I just go with what she wants if I know what it is or insist she tells me?

The same if somebody speaks to her on a walk for example, sometimes she's a delight and chats away and other times she frowns and just make a horrible errr noise at them. Should I empathise that she doesn't want to talk today (I feel like that sometimes!) or is she of an age when she should understand it's polite to respond?

I would say 80% of the time she is such a joy but I'm just not sure how to manage the other 20%. I do worry about the impact of the lockdowns as she's been home with me since first lockdown with limited social opportunities though we did make the most of what we could within the rules in the summer, and we also have a two month old baby and that will be an adjustment too. I give her dedicated time without the baby at bedtimes and she has me all day, sometimes she plays on her own, sometimes I do imaginative play with her though it doesn't come naturally to me, and we try all the lockdown suggested activities etc although they last about two minutes. We also go for a long walk every day but she moans so much at the moment that it's no fun which is a shame as she used to love being outside whatever the weather and as we live sort of rurally we were out most of the time. I try to give her choices etc

I've read "How to talk.." and thought it was great but I just don't seem very good at putting it in practice and feel very ineffective.

Tantrums are definitely age appropriate at nearly 3, unfortunately !

If you know she wants the playground then I wouldn’t insist on her saying it - on the “pick your battles” principle, this one isn’t a big deal so let it go.

Same applies to being sociable with strangers - 3 is a bit young to insist on that I’d say.

Honestly I think 80% delightful is doing well at that age! You sound like you’re doing a fab job and yes lockdown is making everyone a little grumpier than they otherwise would be - DC included.

The funny thing is I do get it - I must sound so annoying to her sometimes, but she's 3! Not 15! If she's going to tell me to stop talking now what will it be like when she's a teen?

Also meant to post in parenting - will get it moved

@minipie cross posted, thanks, that's reassuring! I've really enjoyed/am enjoying the baby stage with both despite neither being good sleepers but I feel like I'm going to find parenting an older child much harder to get right!

Sounds standard behaviour, and can still happen for a good while yet. With the noise walking past the playground, have you tried just ignoring the squeaking sound?

I don't think there's any (or very little) correlation between how she is now and how she'll be as a teenager.

My 3yo does the "stop talking to me!" things so I just respond "okay" and leave her to it. She grumbles on, will tell me a few more times not to talk to her (even though I'm not), I carry on ignoring it all, and then after a few minutes she gets over herself and is ready for a hug and to play again.

@Cruncheyleaves I know you are right really - I think it's just hit home to me how difficult it could be to parent a teenager when the time does come!

@FoxyTheFox same for us, good to hear we aren't the only ones

@LemonBreeland that does sound the logical thing and yes I have, sometimes inadvertently if I genuinely don't know what she wants and it fast tracks to the lying on the floor kicking phase! This happened yesterday and it was only when we'd got home she explained quite coherently that she "was very upset because I wanted you to give me my toy dog from out of your pocket so he could go on the tree" but we had no idea what was up at the time

Okay, if you've ignored the silly sounds and a tantrum happens. Ignore the tantrum, get her home and when she is calm you need to tell her to use her words. Tell her she is a big girl and she has words to tell you what she wants and that you don't understand the squeaks.

Don't empathise with the tantrums. Don't engage, just ignore. Let her get it out of her system.

It all sounds age appropriate. I'm not meaning to be harsh because you sound like a really caring mum but it does sound like you're in her face a lot. As an adult I wouldn't want to name my emotion all the time. If I went past a shop I wanted to go in and couldn't I might let out a little disgruntled 'oh' but would get over it, which is what I'm imagining her squeak is. If you know why she's sad can't you identify it for her. Like I know you're sad we can't go to the park but we have to do x y or z but we can go tomorrow (or whenever you're able to).

I find the how to talk techniques can feel quite intrusive to a child. I would really take the pressure off, perhaps let her know you realise it would be nice to go in there today/it's a pity we can't do x today, and stop leaving the ball in her court if she's busy being a kid. They process, they react, they don't perform. Where social manners are concerned, I think you know what she's capable of and when it's about your own desire to please others Vs the need for her to know it's not kind to ignore people. Aim for good enough, not perfect.

My husband tries to name the emotions a lot and gets similar reactions! I don't think children are immune to feeling patronised.

That said, it's a great book.

@LemonBreeland

Don't empathise with the tantrums. Don't engage, just ignore. Let her get it out of her system.

I agree with ignoring tantrums.

The more attention she gets during a tantrum, the more she will do it.

@Babyfg not harsh at all, I can see that it might read that way and will keep it in mind but I don't think I do. The noise you describe going past a shop is just how I'd like her to behave really, a recognition of disappointment and moving on. It's just that if I ignore the squeak (which I generally do) it usually escalates into the on the floor full on tantrum described later

@myfriendsgivebadadvice thank you. I think you are right about the being patronised bit especially!

My just turned three year old throws some huge tantrums. I try to ignore her as much as possible. To give her attention is rewarding imo. My dD also growls at strangers on occasion. I wouldn't try to empathise with it, I'd just say "don't growl" and carry on chatting to the person. I don't think you need to softly softly analyse every feeling she's having.