Have you ever had to choose between two men?

[Haribo2946]

Please only comment if you understand or have been here. I already have gone through everything in my head a million times and I am trying to be as true to myself as possible to make sure my children have the best life and I can be happy beside them.

my relationship with my children's father has gone to friendship. It's totally stale. It's hard to explain on here what it's like. On one hand he's kind and brilliant with our kids. But on the other I think we only have lasted because we have children. Firstly we have lost our sex lives. I really mean that. I can count on one hand in four years now many times we've kissed and had sex. We don't hold hands. I don't enjoy spending time with him. He's always been one of those people who has one subject and that's work. When people ring he drones on at them about work and every conversation we have is about work. Past memories. Present problems. Sometimes when his mum calls I think God will you please ask her about her own life abit more. Take interest and ask questions. He does to an extent but it's soon work he's onto. I feel like he's bored me to death with it. Whilst he is lovely it's just numbingly dull. As parents I don't feel we are a solid unit anymore. Family time is stressful. There's always someone complaining and we never want to do things at the same time. Trying to get into any routine is hard. He falls asleep downstairs and I go down in the morning to a smelly living room from him dossing in it. He's not lazy though We both share the bulk of the housework and caring for the kids.its just not running smoothly.

I've poured everything out to him several times now and said I feel we are over. I've suggested we try and be friends and look into changing our living situation after covid but as we are currently ok there's no reason to panic. We will need to sell or agree something about the mortgage. We are not married. I'm putting this as people on here usually presume it's a marriage I've noticed when reading other posters situations.

This is where it gets tricky. You may judge. My partner knows everything so it's not sneaky or built on lies but....

For 4 months now I've been getting close to someone I've known for a while but only through the last four months have I really gotten to know him. He's 13 years older and his children are adults. We spend alot of our time talking and were meeting a tiny bit as friends before this lockdown. Nothing yet has happened. But we both want it too.

Now I'm not going to dive in and move in with him. I don't want to involve my kids anytime soon. I am not saying we will be together forever. What I'm saying is I really really want to get to know him more. I want to see him sometimes. I want to spend a couple of hours with him some evenings. I want to meet him for walks. But my current situation is difficult because my kids dad has said the following

I will wait for you as I hope you want to be with me.
You can't decide to split this year with everything that's going on.
You are infatuated by him.
You haven't done anything wrong by talking to him. Because you haven't cheated. It's just a friendship it's not like you love eachother or talk dirty (we do talk about dirty but I'm not going to discuss that with anyone)

I said to him quite clearly. But I have feelings for him. you need to really look at our relationship and how many times we've said we will improve or change. We never have. We have been going around in circles for years blaming everything but us for our issues. He continued to say in a years time it will be different.

I told him this week again that I'm still speaking to the other man and I want him to talk to a friend or something as he's just not reacting to things properly.
I was in the bath that night. He came in and said oh god I've just seen your (ahem) then he got his thing out and said I still fancy you. This is yours if you want it. And I shut my eyes and told him to put it away.

The man I want to spend time with would like to see me this week for a walk one night. I just feel completely trapped as I feel like I can't go as things are not clear here yet. I don't know how much clearer I can be with my partner. like I say we have to continue living together for now and we get on ok. But I feel like I still belong to him because he won't believe what I'm putting in front of him.

I am getting stressed. Perhaps some will say you deserve it. You don't know this other man well enough etc. But all I want is to move on with my life. I want to date this man. I want to have an adult life abit again.

But it feels like partner won't accept.
Our families would be disgusted at me and never understand. They don't know what's happening here and how our relationship is.
I feel like I've been honest with both men and they both want me.
It is a big deal for me to split my family up.my children would obviously want mummy and daddy together. but I feel that they are not getting the best version of me as I'm not truly happy.

What would you do? Stay with your children's dad and accept you don't click anymore but it's the easiest route to keep everyone happy.

Do you take a chance on someone else. Start dating a new man who's very different to your kids dad. You know he's going to be a totally different type of man but you already feel you could click and enjoy spending time with eachother?

I'm trying so hard to do what is best for everyone. But what do I do now?

Thank you for reading.

Yes, I’m going through similar at the moment. In fact your husband sounds incredibly similar to mine. We actually separated at the end of 2019 fairly amicably and with no one else involved. Sex had stopped after dc2 was born, we had counselling but we just could not physically take that step to get intimate again.

In about February I met someone completely randomly and fell head over heels for him. Looking back I think a lot of it was just sex and the fact that I hadn’t had it for 5 years 😳. But he’s also a lovely man, really good fun, unlike anyone I’ve met before and totally opposite to my husband

When lockdown happened husband moved along the road from us as he didn’t need to go to his office 200 miles away and wanted to still see dc. Since then we’ve got on really well - had days out at the beach, walks with the kids, round each other’s house all the time for childcare etc. and it just works out really well.

At Christmas husband asked if we could give it another go. He doesn’t know I’m seeing someone and I haven’t told the man I’m seeing. I’ve told him I’m not sure, I’m happy with how things are etc. but now I’m worried that I’m lying to both of them.

Being back with husband would practically be so easy but I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life sexless. Being with the other man is lovely but realistically he loves a fair distance, has kids of his own and it’s never going to progress into a full partnership. But I do love shagging him.

Could you ask your Dh for some time apart? See how you cope on your own, even if it’s just for a couple of weeks. Do it without seeing this other man. See how you feel after that and then make a decision. Ultimately it’s always going to be a risk. Staying in a marriage is so easy but it can really break you after a while. I didn’t realise how low I was until husband left. It’s easy to forget yourself in a marriage so that when someone, anyone takes an interest in you you are so flattered you throw everything else away.

Yes.
I was pretty much in the same position as you 3 years ago but the person igrew to like very much was oblivious .

Go for it. Lifes too short to stay in a crap relationship especially if the physical attraction has gone and you are looking at someone else.

Do it but please split from your dp first as not fair otherwise. I did. Then got with new fella a few months later

Best thing I've ever done. Cometely different man. I feel alive again. I'm having sex , something I went without for years.

Lifes too short

Thank you. It's nice to have replies from people who get me.

I've tried so hard and I have told him it's not working anymore. It's like he's ignoring it. He is trying to analyse me and blaming my feelings on covid and this and that. He blames the children's baby years too. Yes perhaps that was a part of it. But it's what we are left with now. A sexless stressy relationship with minimal fun.

What's making it hard is he has lovely qualities. But there's also other qualities that are innocent but make him hard work. He is thoughtful. But he's not passionate. I'm not saying my new interest is perfect because he's not. But he speaks up for what he believes in. He's open and honest and will be blunt. My partner has always taken the peaceful life approach. There have been so many times when I think, just stick up for yourself please! He never will. He lets everyone decide and make every decision. I find that so frustrating to be around.

I feel like new man wants the full future with me. I think he has things to offer me and my children. But I don't think he will be as easy in some ways as my partner. For example he is rubbish with money and has no savings. But also he seperated from a long term relationship two years ago and she's got everything and he left with nothing. So he's not set up for life. He's sort of renting a rubbish house for the next four months. But he's a hard working person with this great sense of humour and honest and kind. He's much more interesting in regards to interests too.

My partner as I say is work and EastEnders.

This guy likes cooking. He likes gardening. He can do slabbing and bricklaying. He is interested in football, music, cars. He even has a secret love for bath products and candles. He's just overall just abit more interested in life outside of work and I like that.

Your replies have helped. I was half expecting people to say save your marriage and drop this other man. But it's not that simple sometimes.

I think if a relationship is over and you are out of love then so be it but this man just seems exciting. Nothing you have said about his interests is thrilling really it’s just different and new.

Have some time by yourself, plus I don’t think much of him sniffing round a partnered up woman with young dc.

This is really tricky. The went with my head nearly 20 years ago (instead of the man my heart wanted). It’s not really worked out so on that basis I’d say go with your heart.

However, I’m fairly sure, in my case, the heart guy wouldn’t have worked out either.

Ikora makes a good point. Also, personally, this new guy’s financial situation would be a turn off for me.

You're not really choosing between two men, right? You're choosing whether to stay in your relationship, or have an affair, or to separate, which is very different.

I think you need to put the other guy to one side for a bit while you sort out your relationship, whether that means staying or going. Counselling can be really helpful, even if you're set on separating it can let you have to tough discussions you need to including around kids and money.

The other guy sounds dodgy, older man with no savings who is sniffing around a woman with a partner and kids. It worries me when you say "I think he has things to offer me and my children" - even if you separated tomorrow, he shouldn't be meeting your children for a long time. If he's as good as you say, he should be ok with backing off for a bit while you sort out your head and your relationship status.

Neither of these men sound like they're partner material. The new one sounds like a loser. Don't leave your DP for this man - leave him because you want a better life with someone who can be arsed to improve and work on their relationship and their self.

Agree with others - don't leave your DP for this man. If your relationship isn't working then end it, properly, enjoy your own home and space with your DC.

Do not rush into a new relationship with anyone. And a middle aged man with no savings and 'useless with money' does not sound ideal, a lot of single men hang around looking for newly separated women with children - easy prey I am afraid .

I was in a most exactly this situation years ago when my son was very small. I ended up leaving exH for the new man. There was no overlap between the two relationships and I was honest with my ex about what was happening. It was a huge mistake. It seemed new and novel and exciting, and my marriage was stale and boring.

It turned out that the new man was toxic and manipulative in the extreme. What kind of man would be happy to break up a family in this way?! The right thing to do would be to leave you be to make a decision and give you space. Not persuade you to make a decision. Not saying this is what’s happening in your case, but certainly what happened in mine.

I ended up breaking things off with the new man after almost 2 years and have been happily single since. What I should’ve done was leave exH since that relationship wasn’t making me happy for a number of reasons, and not got with new man. Never regretted anything as much as that decision. I wasn’t in the right place to be launching into a new relationship.

I suppose my advice would be just that - if your current partner isn’t making you happy and the relationship isn’t salvageable then leave him. But be on your own for a while to find your feet. And then once you’re in a better place, decide if you want a relationship with the new man. If he really cares about you he’ll wait. Make sure this is the right decision for you. Good luck.