Anyone else's child seem not to want to speak to their friends in lockdown?

[Fr4mew0rk]

My DD is 8. And through both lockdowns where the school has been closed (we're in England) she has been fine - never mentions her friends, asks to speak to them, talks about missing them. Her school have organised 'class chats' through Zoom and she is just not interested - says they are a 'waste of time' But other friends with similar aged children talk about how much they're missing their friends, and our class WhatsApp group is full of comments about how wonderful it is that the children can see each other via Zoom, and how much their children are enjoying the chats.

DD is an only child and fairly popular at school - and when at school happy to play with anyone/have anyone home for playdate (when we could do that) but I worry that she is losing out on the chance of building friendships/missing out on things by not wanting to do things online etc? So just looking for reassurance I suppose, if anyone else is experiencing similar?

Same. I think kids relate so much to each other thru physical play, it’s hard for them to just sit and talk to a screen, which is a very adult way to interact. Also the loudest kids tend to dominate the zoom chats and others can’t get a look in.

Is she happy? Enjoys her own company?

I'd be strongly inclined to leave well alone!

Thank you both! Yes, I totally agree that she struggles with the screen and that she is on the quieter side so when the louder children are dominating she does tend to disengage.

And yes, she's really happy and always full of things to do - thanks for the reminder to leave things alone I think as she's an only child I have nothing to compare it to and panic

OP I could’ve written the exact same about my DD7. She has no interest in joining the daily class zooms, I think she finds it quite overwhelming 30 kids all talking over each other, she doesn’t want to talk and there are certainly more domineering children on there. However she is totally ok, she has friends at school, she’s happy and other than being a bit more clingy I’d say is dealing with lockdown quite happily. She’s not dreading going back to school but neither is she desperate to go back she is enjoying the time at home with us. She is an only too and I’m worried but then like you I think she’s fine why am I looking for problems where there aren’t!

DD is the same, she used to have video calls.with a few friends back in April/May but the novelty wore off. She much preferred it when we stood outside people's houses so she could speak to them face to face.

Now she has no interest in video cAlls at all but it's too cold to be standing outside chatting so she's just upset that she cAn't see her friends

My DS has been the same. He’s had a few zoom parties and comes away annoyed at the house. Kids seem to like him, but he’d always rather just entertain himself.

Noise*

My DS (9) is exactly the same. It's a relief to know he's not the only child who doesn't want to be online chatting on whatsapp or online gaming with friends. He has two good friends at school but has no interest in talking to them online. They play games every day online without him and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. He has an older sibling who he is happy playing with, sometimes he is bored but never asks to speak to his school friends. He seems happy and will most likely slip back into the friendships when they are back at school. I think it bothers me more than him that he isn't speaking to his friends!

Dd13 and ds10 need lots of cajoling to speak to friends, dd is a bit better, we got ds a phone, which we weren't planning to do until he was 11, and he hasn't used it!

I feel like it's a bit of effort and it's unfamiliar so they are finding it easier not to. When I was a child the telephone was the only way to speak to people you weren't with so we used it. Nowadays with screens I think having so many options stops you using any. I certainly am phoning my friends far less than I did 15 years ago.

I think at that age they want to be with friends to play, so chatting comes from the game they're playing rather than a conversation. My teenager daughter has stopped chatting to her friends on Facetime simply because there's nothing to talk about. No gossip, no new films, no plans to make. It's depressing 😞.

Mine don’t seem bothered either, they love being at home. When I’ve asked them directly they’ve said they miss them, but they would probably exist like this happily forever more! They don’t see the appeal of video calls, and won’t have a phonecall longer than 10 seconds. I worry that I haven’t helped them foster good enough friendships prior to lockdown, but then again, they are pretty young. I think the “bestie culture” is quite a modern thing; I’ve noticed quite a few parents enabling this in recent years. When I was young we were just left to get on with it and my parents didn’t pay too much attention to who I was friends with.

DS2 right from the start when he had his 7th birthday in early lockdown #1 has refused to do online phone/ zoom communication.

His main friends have continued in school.
While he generally has a great relationship with DS1, he is a dominant older sibling with SENs which is not great as a lone peer and has damaged DS2's social confidence.
DS2 has not slotted back into school friendships in the autumn term.
He hates remote learning and during the live learning, fails to engage and burries his head in my lap.
He hasn't engaged with his Beavers and has basically left them at 6 when lockdown first started.

This situation has been terrible for younger school age children who have been frozen out of real life social stimulation and don't have the maturity to deal with it remotely.
DS2 has been left without any proper friends.

DS1 10 doesn't engage either, but with ASD, he doesn't really miss his friend. It's a secure enough friendship to last and I've now begun walking round to the friend's and taking them to the park.

Thanks, everyone - so reassuring to feel my DD isn't alone in her reaction - and interesting to hear other's experiences. I definitely feel at times that it's my worry I'm projecting onto her, or like you @camelfinger that I feel I haven't helped her foster good enough friendships prior to this - but yes, this bestie culture is definitely new (my parents had no clue about my friendships at this age ). @ChairinSage I never thought about conversation at this stage stemming from play rather than conversation but it's so true! And now they don't have the play together the conversation is going to be harder. And definitely agree @BogRollBOGOF they don't have the maturity to deal with the remote element. I also never thought about the element of too much choice @wonderstuff but it's true, I tend not to phone my friends much at all these days.

And tbh, after a day of Zoom meetings at work I often feel quite overwhelmed and like I'd like to just talk to people normally, face to face for once, so I can understand where my DD is coming from! Thanks again though, it's so reassuring to hear from others as I think (especially in this lockdown situation) I can worry a bit too much and feel I can't mention it to the mums I know as they're all raving about how much their children love Zoom and online gaming and WhatsApp video chats.

Regarding conversation coming through play, this is definitely true!

The first time we were allowed to meet someone outside we took DD's friend to the park & they played one of their imagination games for hours, no actual conversation because like PPs have said what is there to talk about.

A few times DD did play games like that over Facebook messenger video calls but it was a novelty & she won't do it now unfortunately.

My DD hasn’t spoken to her friends from school. TBH I’ve seen her ‘best’ friend in the lark with a boy and mine isn’t into that, so I think this has made them go their separate ways.