Honouring people's religion after death

[Blankiefan]

Much loved MIL died late December. She was catholic - old school, went to mass weekly, knew her priest well, led a very good life. DH and I were both brought up catholic but neither of us still believe. We organised a catholic mass and funeral.

How long do we continue to observe the religious conventions for? I think we're supposed to pay the priest for another mass a month after the funeral. Then I guess every year? We don't mind the money (although logistically its awkward as we live an hour away ) but the question is more - we don't believe at all so how long do continue to observe someone else's religion for?

I don't know any particular reason why you would continue to pay the priest after the funeral, however an offering is traditional in order to request a mass be said for her (and this is traditionally done annually). These are traditions, not canons and are therefore not obligatory. These mass offerings are done for two reasons, a) the people who are left behind who have a specific moment to recall their dearly departed and b) for the repose of the soul departed in purgatory.

I was raised Catholic and never heard of paying the priest one month after the funeral and then an annual sum...how long for?!

In answer to your question - you can stop now. Really not sure why you feel need to become a temporary Catholic?

You’re not ‘observing her religion’, though. As a pp said, there’s nothing obligatory about a month’s mind mass, or an anniversary mass, and these wouldn’t generally be done by anyone who wasn’t at least in theory an adherent of Catholicism themselves. Also, you don’t need to attend either the month’s mind mass or the anniversary mass, if you choose to continue to have them. They’re not spectator events, and the priest will just say ‘This mass is offered for the repose of the soul of X’. There’s no expectation family members will attend.

We have a family mass for my long-dead grandparents annually in their parish church, organised by my mother, but my parents don’t always go — it’s a long, convoluted drive down narrow country roads.

@Hiddenmnetter that's sound advice. They will just mention her name and the congregation will pray for her on the anniversary. there's an element of 'its what she would have wanted' if you're not a believer. But personally I wouldn't feel obliged to go to mass if you don't want to.

You can stop now.

Not every Catholic will have masses said a month later then annually. It’s optional.
It’s more for the living than the dead.

If you wanted to have a Mass said a month later if you feel mil would have liked that, it’s a nice thing but by no means essential.

Oh yes, you don’t have to attend the Mass.

Yes, so what I’m saying is that you can stop now!

Interesting perspectives. Thank you. This is our first close bereavement so it's making us consider things for the first time. I'm interested in how our instincts on this compare with others. Essentially we have other things we do and will continue to do to keep MIL's memory alive and whilst the religious elements aren't important to us, they would have been for her. I'd like to think that whilst she was alive, she would have had confidence that her wishes would have been respected. That she would have had peace about this. But now we dont believe it really makes any difference as we have no faith / dont believe in any afterlife. I dont really know what I think about this so this is all just my stream of consciousness!

I would agree with 'it's more for the living than the dead.' I think if you are practising Catholics, you might want to honour her (rather than honouring her religion) by having Mass said in her memory annually or whenever, but you aren't Catholic so you don't feel a need to honour her in that way.
I am Catholic, and I have told DH that when I die I shouldn't have a Catholic funeral, as funerals and all that come after are for the living not the dead, and, assuming I outlive my Dad and my young children haven't grown up to become practising Catholics, a Catholic funeral would not mean anything to those attending. I won't know either way, so they should do what is meaningful for them.

Another Catholic here (formerly a devout one, now completely and utterly lapsed beyond redemption)...
OP, it's ok to stop now. You don't have to continue with the weekly mention at Mass, etc. Really. She doesn't get a better seat in heaven or a spit-polished halo on Prime Delivery. You've honoured her traditionally. Now you and DH need to mourn and remember her, and above all, learn to live this life without her in it. In other words, grieve without the need to tick boxes and 'do the right thing'.
Just grieve and talk about her. I'm sorry for your loss.