I'm likely to be the last of my family (no relatives after me) - anyone else?

[midnightmoon8]

Hello, this past year has really got me thinking about the future and trying to make some plans (I'm a worrier and a planner!) I'm in my 50s with no children and an older husband. Seeing so much illness this past year and people relying so much on others for help has made me think I need to make plans for how I'm going to cope in my dotage when I'm unable to drive, shop, cook, bathe myself etc. From my experience once you get to the point of badly needing help you are too infirm to arrange it yourself and need to rely on your children to make care home arrangements etc...what do folk with no relatives do in these situations? I feel scared about the future :-(

I have 4 dc but I am the last person in my whole family to have my surname. There is noone younger than me to carry on my very rare surname..not even an offshoot from a cousin etc.in face I don't have any relatives at all apart from my mum. I never really did

Sorry not really what you meant

Do you have God-children? Might you ask if they will help organise your care when the time comes?

I'm 60 and not expecting my children to get involved in my care as I get older. It's not their problem.
I shall muddle through.

@AuntieMarys

I'm 60 and not expecting my children to get involved in my care as I get older. It's not their problem. I shall muddle through.

But if you become incapable of muddling through, they will more than likely step in and help. OP is asking what people with no one to step in have lined up.

My aunt didn’t have children and was in a foreign country so can’t really rely on us. Her ethos has always been to take care of and prioritise her health to ensure she can remain reasonably mobile with her marbles intact - that meant going to appointments, strength training from her 50s, she started running in her 60s, really careful about monitoring her blood pressure and heart rate, and mediterreanean diet. She also moved into a retirenent community in her 60s which was early but it meant she could build better networks with people her agez

She’s in her late 70s now and really healthy. Still drives well, still has her eyesight, mobility but has the support of the community when she needs it. She did start to get depressed after my other aunt passed but being around similarly aged people has really helped. She also volunteers which I think helps a lot.

Do you have a (ideally younger) much trusted friend or 2? Please look into power of attorney. I work in this field. I have seen it work well when a person appoints a solicitor to be their continuing poa (ie they deal with your finances including paying for any care needed, dealing with your estate if u become incapacitated) and a long term friend or two who agree to be welfare poa. it works well if you have a trusted friend who can make welfare decisions (for example, arranging what care would look like with a social worker, or choosing a care home on your behalf, advocating for you, attending reviews). Do look into it and make yourself well informed.

Thank you for your replies so far. I don't have any God-children nor nieces/nephews (not that I'd expect them to look after me even if I did). I'm independent but what is worrying me is if I suddenly become ill and need support I would feel very vulnerable. I absolutely don't expect anyone just to step in and look after me as such, but for example, I've seen so many friends/acquaintances/work colleagues/etc having to organise care homes, carers, etc because their elders are too incapable of doing it themselves.

I'm not sure of the answer to this so watching with interest; there has to be a way to appoint someone to advocate for you, even if they need paying.

things you can do:

• advance directive (AKA living will); there are a lot of incapacitating situations which won't kill you, but you may not want to continue in these circumstances. The directive is legally binding and gives the medical people information that may help. Obviously not euthanasia because only animals get that. However well you look after yourself, there are no guarantees. Fill it out, get it witnessed by someone and get a copy to your GP.

• will; everyone needs one of those. Where do you want your possessions/money to go? Again, you can appoint a paid executor.

• power of attorney; financial and health and welfare, two separate ones. A faff to do but well worth having. (I need to get my arse in gear on this)

also think about where you live - could it be made suitable longer term? Do you and your husband both know how all the household finances work? Are all the bills paid from a joint account that won't freeze if one of you dies? Do you have 'expression of wish' for pensions?

hard, but all worth it for peace of mind.

I would cultivate friendships with likeminded neighbours and the children of your friends. I became great friends with a neighbour in her 80s because we had some common hobbies. One of the things that was very important to her was being buried next to her husband in a foreign country and we were able to ensure this happened.

I live in a London suburb where there are lots of singletons of all ages and we all just look out for each other and have unexpected friendship groups. If you live in the middle of nowhere, now might be a good time to move into a city flat or terrace and make it a mission to develop your social life and friendships.

As a funeral director I have come up against this fairly frequently. I would suggest you speak to a local, preferably an independent Funeral Director (as not likely to have frequent changes to staff) to discuss your wishes. I have often organised Pre-arranged plans (not the same as a pre-paid funeral plan) as you can outline all your wishes that include details of who has poa or executors of your will, what kind of Service you wish, details of Title deeds to a lair (if burial) or what’s to happen to your ashes (if cremation). You could of course pay upfront but you don’t have to.

With regards making provisions for your care, moving to a ground floor flat or bungalow to allow for independent living as long as possible would be high on my list.

I'm in the same situation just me and my much older husband. I worry about what will happen in my old age especially if I was to suddenly get ill. It's scary and to be honest I try not to dwell on it.

@GrumpyHoonMain she sounds fantastic, what an amazing woman

One of our neighbours moved into a sheltered housing complex younger than she needed to because she had no family. She wanted to be somewhere where people would notice if she didn't appear (it was like a complex of bungalows).

When FIL started showing signs of dementia MIL downloaded a document about wishes and memories, I think it was from Age UK, that was like a 40/50 page booklet where she wrote down answers to questions. It was about everything from who his GP was, what family he had, what kind of things were important to him in terms of religion, care wishes if he was incapcitated, funeral plans and bits about memories (which I think was either for care staff to talk to him about if it came or it, or could be used for a funeral eulogy). It was a hefty thing that took a long time to fill in and could be added to as and when things came to mind or changed. Lots of it wasn't relevant to FIL as he had people who could answer the questions, but it was great to be able to refer to things when decisions were being made.

You’d be surprised how many people with several children are in the same boat. It’s really common.

I'm in the same situation OP, and hope to make some sort of plans over the next ten years. I do have an exDH who is younger than me, but he smokes and I'm not pinning my hopes on him being around to help - I mean, I really hope he is but I'm being sensible. No nieces or nephews or god-children in my life either. I think the best idea is to start making plans earlier than needed (not always possible of course, anything can happen), but try not to be scared, just sensible. I'm older than you btw.

Moving into sheltered accommodation or a retirement complex is an option.
You'll be independent but have a warden around for support if needed. If you become infirm they will help with the next steps.

Thank you so much for your replies and the helpful suggestions and ideas ... I'm going to start planning to put in place some of these things. It makes me feel less along knowing there are other people in a similar position. I don't anyone in RL in this situation so it's helpful to hear from you all - thank you for taking the time to reply x

That should have said 'feel less alone'

OP, if you can move into sheltered housing BEFORE you really need to that’s one option. Many elderly people struggle to settle into a new home (same as many non-elderly people do too!), particularly if you’ve lived in same house for decades.

Also, don’t put off decluttering and sorting out your house and your paperwork until you’re too infirm to do it. I found a lot of problems came from years of not having kept on top of things.

BUT ... don’t ruin your life now out of fear of a future that might not happen the way you expect.