Would you leave a baby in a dirty nappy for up to 5 hours?

[Toorapid]

Of course not, but apparently it's perfectly acceptable and quite usual for adults.

DH is soon to be discharged from hospital. He is completely immobile and dependent on others to get onto the bed pan and clean up.

I'm talking to people about other options, but the hospital's plan is for carers 4 times a day and in between times, he sits in his own waste (he'll have a pad so that's ok!) until carers arrive to clean him up. I will be working, but even when I'm at home I can't move or clean him on my own (they've told me this, I haven't tried, as he's still in hospital).

Now taking DH out of this because I'm in the fortunate position that I can probably arrange something else, how can this possibly be acceptable?

When my mum lived at home she had carers x4 per day.

She seemed to train herself to need a poop either at the lunchtime call or the teatime call and was rarely dirty and having to wait for the carers.

Unfortunately now she’s in a care home and despite there being carers available at the touch of her call button, she is often reported to have a soiled pad. I guess it doesn’t help that she is non verbal so it’s not easy

I hope you find a solution for your husband’s care 💐

@MotherExtraordinaire

How would you suggest the OP and her family keep their home, keep their heating on, feed themselves?

@MotherExtraordinaire What an appalling thing to say. You don't know anything about OP's circumstances.

OP what would be the alternative? Can you pay for a full time carer to stay with him while you’re working? Or do you want a carer to be able to visit whenever he presses a button to get toilet help? That doesn’t sound realistic tbh. They work on a schedule and are visiting other clients when they aren’t with your husband.

It’s unlikely he will be sitting in his waste for 5 hours.

Your other option is to to pay for more regular carers.

I thought that vows included in sickness and in health, where as your focus seems to be solely financial.

I plan to love and support my DH through sickness and health but that requires money too. So, without meaning to be rude, your comments are not helpful at all!

Well it's just not possible to provide round the clock carers. But it's very unlikely to be 5 hours that he's sat there in it

I read your other thread about him being discharged from hospital which you felt was too soon and the expectation that you would be able to care for him.
Obviously you have now been in touch with SS and received some support.
Unfortunately this is the reality, 4 visits.
I work in a care home although not a carer and I can assure you as someone else has said that is not a guarantee of not being left in a soiled pad until a carer is free to change it.

So what’s your alternative? 24 hour care?

Babies are incontinent which I guess makes a difference. It’s probably not unreasonable to expect that he can so several hours without toileting.

MotherExtraordinaire... I’m fucking flabbergasted.

😤

I always find when people say thing like "without being rude" they absolutely are being intentionally very rude, as well as unkind.

No disrespect @MotherExtraordinaire but if you'd read the short OP properly, you'd know I haven't "chosen" anything because I full intend to make sure this doesn't happen for him. My concern was for others like him who aren't so fortunate.

You'd also know that my working or not makes no difference because (according to the professionals) I couldn't change him on my own anyway.

OP is it possible to arrange your lunch break so that you could attend to DH midway between one of the carer visits and if possible have another family member attend at another time during the day? You may find this isn’t necessary though once he settles into an eating/toiletting routine.

How often do you want the carer there? 4 times a day seems reasonable to me.

Hopefully won't be a problem too often. If it is then address it at that point.

Let's also assume that OP is female and likely weighs less than her DH. How is she supposed to lift an immobile, larger person to clean them? Carers bring 2 people because hoists etc require them. So unless she employs live in carers to cover 24h there is still a risk of waiting, and the risk that she tries alone, fails and injures both of them...

To be fair a strong male could well be capable of rolling (and lifting) a slim female given relative heights and weights.

I will do what's needed for him, spend my entire retirement savings if necessary, my concern is that "the system" thinks this is OK.

It doesn't matter if I can pop home, wfh, or give up work, I (and anyone else in the same position) can't help him on my own.

That is very sad. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

In my culture we generally look after our elders rather than putting them in a home. A child will give up work and do all the necessary care or siblings will work it out together. I appreciate this is another cultural view and may not be something you can accommodate here, but do you have children old enough who may possibly be able to help? Maybe pop in every so often to check up on your DH?

I would also suggest, if you haven't already, looking into disability living allowance. You may be able to claim some adaptions to your home (and if you do, you may also be eligible for a reduction in your council tax too). I obviously don't know you or your circumstances but I hope you don't think I'm being out of line or anything with my suggestions, honestly trying to help
All the best

It is usual but it would generally only be that long over night, and yes you tend to find people settle into a routine
4 times a day could be 7am, 12, 4, 8 depending on the company and preferences
It depends if he is incontinent too, if he can be lifted in the morning call, a lot of people go then
Is he able to have a uridom? Like a condom that fits over the penis that then drains into a bag. That might be an option

You might know/have this already but make sure you have nappy disposal bags, wipes, toilet roll, and flannels/soap/a washing up bowl, towel etc. Favourite deo/talc/lotion/shower gel too
Coloured flannels are useful so you can have a top/bottom one

Seriously? @MotherExtraordinaire as if it’s as simple as just not working.

[quote Jellybott]@MotherExtraordinaire What an appalling thing to say. You don't know anything about OP's circumstances.[/quote]
Exactly. And that poster said "without being rude"

I think the expectation is that a patient needs more than 4 visits per day should they really be at home alone? Would 24hr care not be more appropriate? Lots of families ‘top up’ the visits with family visits or employ a private carer.

So it is possible to change a pad and wash a bed bound individual on your own, assuming you have a hospital bed with bed rails. I work in a care home we change residents pads and get them clean on our own. You'll likely want to make sure your assessment includes any equipment you may need. Slide sheets etc are a 'two person job', hoists are also a two-person jobs.

It's tricky with care because it's one of those jobs where 'it's never enough', you always want to do more for your residents/relatives. (Care home perspective).

This is such an emotive and personal topic. If you have a choice in home care providers, perhaps have a second provider 'in the wings' at the moment incase there are staffing issues.

Additionally, without prejudice. Have a look at some respite and care home options. Not because this is what you want or because it should be your option but so that IF that becomes your option one day you're not having to make a decision about the best one for your situation in the height of the emotion or with urgency. Care homes, respite and even hospices are hugely personal.

@LizBennet

MotherExtraordinaire... I’m fucking flabbergasted.

😤

Me too.

When someone starts 'Without being rude' they are generally going to say something quite rude.

Best wishes OP, it sounds really tough.