Have you ever lost your temper so badly it scared you?

[Shameful21]

I don't know what came over me this evening. I'm clearly not coping.

DS has autism and is in desperate need of a hair cut. He has been going to the same barber for three years and has slowly come to accept him / the process. He was due to get his hair cut the week before lockdown happened but DH didn't take him, he chose to just go and get his done himself - saying he'll take DS another day. Then lockdown happened.

Fast forward to now and DS is starting to look scruffy, he's still attending school so needs to look presentable.

My DSC were here today (one also has autism) with freshly cut smart hair, done by their DM, which prompted me to decide I'll have a go at sorting DS' myself.

I tried to do it myself this evening which was a big mistake. He hasn't had a good week, lots of violence toward me and siblings.

He thrashed around everywhere and went into meltdown resulting in a ridiculously wonky fringe.

DH came home from taking DSC home and started complaining - saying how I should have just waited until tomorrow, like that would somehow have made a difference to the outcome.

I'm starting to get stressed at this point and tell him I'm sick of waiting for everything because when left to him it never happens.

He got defensive and pissed off with me saying that. I got upset and told him to just 'F off' which I've never done before.

I try again to salvage DS' fringe and he thrashes about again and starts shouting.

DH is still there talking about how waiting until tomorrow was the best thing to do and how I can't do DS hair whilst he's thrashing around like that. No shit.

I abandoned the hair cut, threw the scissors down onto the floor, shouted "just fuck off" and went on to say how sick of everything I am and went to the bedroom to cry where I stayed for the next half an hour feeling pathetic and guilty for exploding like that infront of the DC.

I don't know where it came from, its not who I am on a day to day basis.

Has anybody else ever had an outburst like this and managed to forgive yourself?

The guilt is awful.

Oh yes, both my kids have additional support needs and I’ve been pushed to my absolute limits, one time I remember taking myself out into the garden because I was scared of how angry I was over something relatively minor in the scheme of things. I shouted at my girl and slammed her room door - and felt like an absolute witch.

I forgave myself - reminding myself that I’m human, all of the things I had going on that we’re already stressing me, how very tired I was. I calmed down, spoke to my daughter and apologised for losing my temper, talked about how I needed to make better choices and restored my relationship with her. And then made sure I looked after myself enough not to get to that point again.

Reflect on what happened, understand why in your head the haircut needed to be done today (however ridiculous it feels in hindsight) and fix things with your son and DH. Then let it go.

I threw a dining chair across my kitchen once. I was under immense pressure and stress at the time. I was so shocked by it.

I went through an angry stage when I had PNC (though now I’m actually certain it was sleep deprivation rather than depression).

I threw hummus across the kitchen on 2 separate occasions. Stupid really because it was bloody messy to clean up. I also remember raging out the window at someone who was tailgating me (literally like “get out of my fucking arse you wanker” while sticking my finger up).

Never since and not before that stage in my life was I so angry.

Pnd not pnc

Loads of times. Far too many to count.

Yes, once, when DS1 was about four. Like you, I'd reached the end of my considerable patience with him (he has ASD too and is incredibly stubbord and bloody-minded) and DH stuck his oar in and made it worse. I just flipped, screamed and kicked a book across the living room. DS1 burst into tears and so did I. I've never lost it like that since, but I've never forgotten it either and it really scared me. When you hear stories about a parent isolated with a challenging child day after day, snapping and doing something awful....I can see how that happens.

Thank you all, you're helping me to feel less of a monster.

It is scary when you lose it like that isn't it, when you're usually such a rational person.

DS couldn't have been less bothered by me losing my temper but burst into tears when he saw me crying. I'm the one he looks to for reassurance when he's struggling with his own emotions, so to see me crying myself frightened him.

I've spoken to DH since I posted and he was quite lovely about it. He assures me he doesn't think I'm an awful person, just somebody who was at the end of their rope.

My DM was here at the time and she told me an anecdote of her own which resulted in a fray bentos pie being sprayed across the kitchen.

It helps to know I'm not alone.

Honestly I doubt there are many parents who haven't seen red at some point. We're only human.

Yes and it was the preceding factor that sent me to the GP for help

But I wasnt stuck in at home during a pandemic with a child with additional needs trying to homeschool and be a hairdresser!

Really it just sounds like you have had a REALLY bad day, have a good cry both of you and whatever makes you feel better, tomorrow is a new day

Every. single. Month for 34 years. Terrible PMT can't control it. I try and hide away for 2 days. Then I'm lovely again. Tried all sorts.

I think it's ok to throw a bit of a tantrum occasionally. There is an expectation that as a mother you should be endlessly patient, wise, strategic, resilient, playful (vom), and generally absorb all your children's stresses and negative emotions while breathing deeply and maintaining a neutral demeanour so as not to scar them for life. I say fuck that - I am human and I will only put up with a certain amount of shit before I crack. Loudly. I'm not even sorry, because I learned useful lessons from the times I pushed my poor DM too far.

You're a very kind bunch, thank you

Honestly, the bit that I'm most ashamed of is throwing the scissors.

I've been in bits going over the what ifs.

'What if they would have hit DS/DH/DD'

I'm pretty sure I would have thrown whatever I had in my hand at that point as all logic went out of the window and that's scary

You are not a monster by any means. We all crack from time to time. You’ve got a lot to deal with so give yourself less of a hard time

@sonnysunshine

Every. single. Month for 34 years. Terrible PMT can't control it. I try and hide away for 2 days. Then I'm lovely again. Tried all sorts.

I suffer with PMT too, it's a nightmare isn't it. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Unfortunately this week and next are supposed to be my 'good' weeks so I can't even blame it on that.

It just came out of nowhere.

I think I need to spend a day on self care tomorrow, maybe get out for a walk alone without the DC.

have a good cry, cuddle your son and stop worrying about it - everyone is in a state right now, you just happened to pick on a problem that just wasn't worth the worry - sons hair growth is the least of everyones problems, including his teachers and his school, hopefully in the not too distant future you will be able to take him to the hairdressers, until then, dont worry

btw, oh yes, i can lose my temper and its scary.

I had exactly the same "what-if" flashbacks about the book I kicked OP, I know scissors are scarier! but it hit the wall with a bang, if it had hit 4yo DS it would have been horrendous. But it DIDN'T. We've all had safety near-misses (one of mine involved trying to fold up the buggy with the baby still in it - I was very sleep-deprived). People drop their kids, let them roll off furniture, lose them on beaches...life with small vulnerable humans is full of hairy what-if moments. But you didn't hurt him. You just lost your temper, because you're human and were pushed too far. He's fine

Im sure you aimed away from them even when so angry. I have thrown stuff wben angry. The day before my wedding, I was so angry with DH, I threw the wedding decorations out the car as we were driving to the venue! . Still managed to get married the next day!
I'm glad you have support OP, it's so tough.

What I would actually suggest, OP, is that you lose your temper a bit sooner. That way it will come out as swearing and storming off rather than scissors throwing.

Definitely go for a walk tomorrow. State to your family that you need space, and you will be back when you are back.

It happened to me repeatedly when I was on the contraceptive pill. I've always had pms but never had rages I took out on others/my surroundings and that I couldn't control until I went on the pill. Eventually I worked out the pill was the cause, stopped taking it and was fine. Then I got prescribed amitriptyline for a pain condition and started to get angry outbursts again. Fortunately this time I recognised quickly what was going on (the morning DD wouldnt get her shoes on and I found myself flinging them at a wall in an angry rage) and I stopped the medication.

That's not to say I've never lost my cool outside of those times, but it's never been where I've seen red and completely lost control. My pms is usually more of a self-hatred/internal rage directed at myself, and I usually go and hide away in my bedroom as much as possible during those days.

I have and I didn't like it i feel guilty when i think about it now. There is an imprint of a train on the wall in our playroom, and the step we bought the kids to stand on to wash their hands has a chunk out of it.
I felt under immense pressure to potty train my son before he was ready (he has autism but wasn't diagnosed at the time), as the school said he needed to be. He was wetting himself numerous times a day, and I felt useless, I also had a baby to look after. In the end I took him out of school for a few weeks. He still has issues with going to the toilet when he needs to and he's 8 soon. You are human.
Did he want a hair cut? My son is like a worm when I'm trying to cut his hair, squirming around all over the place and that's when he's agreed for us to do it lol.

Aw thank you all, I'm feeling alot less like a monster. If I hadn't posted and read these replies I would spend the next week/month/however long hating myself.

I pretty much convinced myself, in the aftermath, that I'm not fit to be a parent if I can act that way.

You've helped me see that we're all only human and most of us have seen red at one point or other.

DS did not want a hair cut no, but then he never does

It took three years for him to sit fairly still in the barber shop bit he still hates going.

He has the PDA profile on the autism spectrum and almost everything is a battle with him. I should know by now which battles to pick and a hair cut at 5pm on a Thursday evening was never going to be one worth having.

Upon reflection, there was a misplaced degree of shame on my part - that DSC were well presented but DS has scruffy hair.

DH was very kind and reminded me that DSC have always had their hair cut at home by their mum and never been to a barber, whereas DS has always gone to the barbers so that is what he knows. My DSS (the one with autism) likely wouldn't tolerate going to the barbers. It's about what they know and are comfortable with. Springing it on DS at home was never going to work and I should've known that.

As it stands he has a lopsided fringe, the poor boy

Sending hugs OP, I have one diagnosed with autism and adhd, another waiting for assessment and the youngest doesn’t appear to be on the spectrum but has a phonological disorder which leaves him very frustrated if you don’t understand what he’s saying the first time.
I am a different person to who I was 4ish years ago, those were some dark days, and I am mortified and ashamed of how I reacted in some situations. But I now acknowledge I am only human and don’t deal with stress well which is something I’ve worked on.

I’ve lost my rag a few times recently and DD doesn’t have additional needs - she’s just at a petulant, stubborn age and I’m stressed so it’s a perfect storm. It’s not nice and you feel awful afterwards but cut yourself some slack

Upon reflection, there was a misplaced degree of shame on my part - that DSC were well presented but DS has scruffy hair.

It’s so hard not to compare - some of my frustrations come when DD can’t do things her peers can, and on reflection I can see that it’s been my shame, frustration or sadness that’s caused the issue rather than the thing she was or wasn’t doing. Self acceptance and acceptance of the little person she is makes a huge difference and it’s something I need to work on constantly.

You’re a good mum. You’ve recognised what went wrong, reflected on what was going on with you and fixed things with your people. A good mum.

A lopsided fringe isn’t the worst thing in the world (my girl cut her own hair, her fringe has been a state since Christmas).

It is hard not to compare, I think as my son gets older I'm doing it less and less, as in some ways he hasn't changed since he was 4/5 years old.
This is what annoys me on some threads when talking about kids with autism, they are very much compared to other children and expected to be able to act like them and to change to fit in with what we believe is 'polite' or 'acceptable' and I think it puts much more pressure on us as parents, as we feel like we're doing something wrong, when it's how their brains are wired! It's much easier for us to change our expectations! Sorry I went off on a tangent there, I was just thinking of you being worried about him having messy hair. I hope you're ok anyway!