Honest chat about having a 3rd baby?

[user2021]

Please help me make a decision on whether to have a third baby.

We have 2 DDs, there's absolutely no desire within me to "try for a boy", I'd genuinely be happy with either sex. But I absolutely do not feel "done"/complete at 2. Does this feeling eventually go away?? For context, my youngest is 2.

What are the real practicalities of life with 3? Do you have to book 2 hotel rooms when travelling, does that get really expensive? 3 different sets of friends, play dates, after school activities, weekend activities etc., how hard is the juggle? And do you find you can still give each child some individual attention?

2 DC for us feels very neat. Life is relatively easy and not too chaotic, it's pretty manageable and enjoyable with two. Will this change dramatically if we add another child in to the mix?

Or was having a third child the absolute best thing to happen to you/your family?

In a similar boat 2yo 4yo. Love the way they can play together when they want to. Would be 3y difference with another and would someone always be left out?

We have three, it’s manageable depends on how much chaos you like !

I love it but can buy lots of things in 4’s, so you need to be able to afford the extras, flights, villa or family room for 5 is expensive. As for home I was just looking in Sainsbury’s at cutlery sets and crockery, all comes in 4’s.

You need lots of extra money and patience, but the last one is the baby and everyone loves him !!

Life is much less neat with 3 and that’s why I like it depends how much you want your life to be ordered

Yes that's another thing @Feetupteashot will two gang up on one, or will two be really close as children, teens, or adults and leave one out

Or her !!

I think if you feel life is relatively easy and enjoyable now then you’d be in with a good chance of it being reasonably smooth! I really would like another because 2 seems so dull, such limited options to me. I like the idea of them having more relationships to enjoy in different ways. I feel I’d like the family of 5, a gang of us. BUT life is not easy or enjoyable for me just now, so it seems insane and I’m having second thoughts. I feel so busy and tired all the time, but am 40 this year so don’t have long. Not sure if it’ll happen for me. I’d anticipate less of the relationship difficulties amongst them than you’ve mentioned, more would it actually make me die

I had a boy and a girl first but didn't feel complete until we had our third. I always wanted three though so it wasn't an issue from that side of things. The only thing that was tricky was going back to the baby stage after a three year gap (plus DD was long out of nappies!) whereas when I had DD, my eldest DS was still in baby mode (smaller gap).

As they've got older, it can be a pain in the arse when everything is geared up for families of four, so things like days out, tables at restaurants and hotel rooms can be harder and more expensive and also, you need to think about the car you drive for as long as they'll be in car seats. I went for a Renault scenic seven seater as all three were in car seats and we could have them across the back seat. However, even now they're teens buying a car can be tricky because they all need leg room!

I love having three kids. My niece and nephew fought like cat and dog but we've not had that with ours, it's less intense I think as they aren't stuck with just one other sibling. There's more washing with three, it can be hard (in normal times) when they all have activities after school (we had all three in different places at the same time on a Monday for about three years which was hell as my DH usually works away!).

I would say though, that life was easier because I left teaching after number two, primarily because we've had no family help with childcare and two lots of part time nursery fees was more than I earned. So, that's helped massively with logistics and times when they're poorly etc. Now the youngest is in secondary I'm going back to work (we need the money now they're at the university stage!).

So, I'd say, you know in your heart if three is right for you. My boys still share a room at 17 and 12 so don't worry if that's on the list of concerns. I love having three, wouldn't change it.

I didn't think I was done with 2 for ages, but then realised I actually just wanted a newborn again, I wasn't quite so enamoured with the idea of another toddler, child, three teens etc...

DC3 was not planned, but she's fitted in. Life is chaos. Like, fucking ridiculous, but she's 3 so I suppose This Too Shall Pass etc.

We had the bigger car anyway, but we had to move to a bigger house. Like a PP says, everything comes in 4s. Packs of cakes, tables in restaurants, even going out for the day, one of us sits on our on on the bus - theme parks are impossible with an odd number of children. Yes, you adapt what you do to accommodate but it's nice every now and then just to be able to go do something without precision advance planning.

Her siblings adore her, but one of them is always left out. I am NOT having another one to balance it out, although #1 is a proper mother hen who adores her little sidekicks, #2 (ds) keeps asking me "next time there's a baby in your tummy, can it be a boy?" and #3 is the gentlest, kindest little soul who would make an amazing big sister.

Basically, it's fucking hard being outnumbered, but if you lower your expectations and embrace the wall of energy it's prettt fun and exceptionally rewarding.

Honest chat.
My dh and I are both one of 4 siblings, and thought we'd have 4 kids.
We stopped at 3 for various reasons, but to me 2 doesn't seem enough.
Our dc are now 7, 5 and 3. I think 3 is better than 2 because

• they have a lot of fun together
• that's mostly it. It's another family member right? Someone else to love. It's having siblings not just one sibling. It's a little gang. It's always having someone if one of them is away, or with a parent, or sick or whatever.
• they play and play.
• they love each other
• I can't imagine life with just two
• I got to do the baby and toddler bit 3 times, it is over far too quickly!

I guess holidays are more expensive, well it's another person so everything is more expensive, not least childcare. But that's relative. No kids is cheapest and I would've hated that. We don't have lots of expensive things. They honestly need less entertaining as they have each other. But we do have a spacious house, which makes things easier. I love having 3.

Thank you so far everyone! Love hearing everyone's family experiences.

@DipSwimSwoosh I'm an only and I feel this massively drives my compulsion for another. I never had anyone to play with and feel very lonely as an adult that I have no one to lean on or talk to on a really deep level (except for my DH). I know that having a sibling isn't a guarantee of lifelong friendship, but I'd be giving them the best chance/s!

Yes I think so too. My siblings have been my lifelong best friends and support network.

I have 3 DDs now 8,6 & 3, there are moment when one gets left out, but that’s usually down to the 3yo wanting to be the centre of attention and being mean to one sister, they don’t take it personally and she’s starting to get better with it with age.

To be honest, I love it, they are close in age and all adore each other. They fight but also have each other’s backs, if I tell one of them off the other 2 will make sure the 3rd is all right, I’ve even been told off by my youngest for telling her sisters off 😀

For holidays we still book the one family room up until this year but may need to start booking 2 when covid restrictions are lifted. There are places that will accommodate families of 5.

Friends & play dates are hard to say this year but 3 other girls in my 6yo DDs class have little sisters that go to the same nursery as my 3yo and will all be going to school together, we’ve done play dates in the past and with all the kids. On other occasions we just say it’s such and suchs turn for a play date, as they get older they understand more.

Not had the juggling 3 different clubs yet as lockdown put pay to that but my plan was to get the youngest involved in one of the older 2s activities and then go from there.

My DC are 11 & 8 and with each month that passes, I am more grateful that we didn't go for DC3 and have felt this way ever since DC2 started primary and they both had regular activities, play dates and parties.
Both DC are sporty so, at weekends, we split and DH takes one child off to a match and I take the other. DC3 would always have to tag along with one of us and no doubt get bored.
If DH or I has plans, it is easy for the other one to look after both DC and do stuff with them either at home or take them out together. With DC3, unless we'd had them very close together which I couldn't have managed at the baby stage, there's naturally a wider split of ages.
Both DH and I have fairly full on jobs and enjoy those jobs. I just don't think we could have carried on with that and a third DC. There would just have been too much to juggle.

Hi op, I had exactly the same feeling. 2 daughters, couldn’t shake the “not quite done” feeling though no preference for a boy. There’s no rational reason to have a third, it does just sort of make life harder and more complicated in every way. We decided to go for it and I can’t really give you a reason why other than the heart wants what it wants (and luckily my husband felt the same way).

So we just went for it and we now have a 1 year old boy who is wonderful and very loved by his sisters, especially the oldest who was 4.5 when he was born.

I sometimes wonder if we’d have made the same choice if we’d known we were about to hit a pandemic. Homeschooling has been much harder for having a baby and now destructive toddler around. My eldest would probably be having a better education right now if we hadn’t gone for a third. I’ve massively missed the baby groups and I feel sad that his grandparents have missed out on basically his entire babyhood.

Also we’ve had to get a new car which was sad because I loved our little yellow car and now we have a great big ugly people carrier. The little yellow one was too narrow to fit 3 car seats in.

Every so often (usually after a particularly bad night) I think about how much more sleep we’d be getting if we’d stopped at 2.

But then we wouldn’t have our lovely little one and he has brought so much joy, laughter and delight into our lives that I would never change it and I’m glad I do didn’t know this pandemic was coming because if we’d made the sensible choice we wouldn’t have him....

Also 2 to 3 was by far the easiest transition and I really treasure the memory of his newborn days (before the world shut down).

It is chaos sometimes but the best kind of chaos and I’ve never regretted it. And although I sometimes wonder about having a fourth I know that I’m definitely done and it’s been nice to pass on all the baby stuff once he grows out of it (which I never did with the first two). I do sometimes worry he’ll be left out as the only boy and the youngest (especially as the girls are so close) but at the moment the dynamic is a good one and I think he dilutes some of the intensity of the girls relationship especially in lockdown.

Hope that’s a little bit helpful in helping you decide!