Ditching friends who drag you down

[Bloodyoverthisnow]

Hi, I am trying to gradually distance myself from people who I feel don't add any joy to my life. I know a lot of takers, and I feel now, midlife, I need to just concentrate on those who bring me joy, listen to me ( I am usually the listener), and genuinely care about me. A lot of these people aren't great friends anyway, school Mums etc .

I do have a couple of friends who would consider themselves to be very close to me, ( me perhaps not souch, my best friends are still those I met in school) but know very little about me or how I'm feeling most of the time. Just so wrapped up in themselves.

One in particular I'm trying to distance myself from drags me down all the time. I've know her for five years and it's taken me a while to realise just how negative and bitchy about others she is. She has a job in the local community and tells me private stuff about other people, bitches about people who are supposed to be her friends, and constantly feels hard done by. She begrudges people who have more than her, even though they work their backsides off. She is claiming furlough through her partner's company even though she isn't part of his business and buying things left right and centre. Morally we have very different views.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't really want to be friends with her any more. It's going to be v difficult though, as we live close by and her partner and kids are friends with mine.

I find myself feeling miserable after I meet her, and I can't deal with it anymore. Now I just don't contact her, and when she does get hold of me I just listen to her moaning and clam up myself.

Any advice on his to do this ? I don't want to be unkind or anything so just trying to drift really .

Sorry about a few typos in original post!

It took me until my 50s to start realising I had quite a few energy vampires around me, well done for doing this sooner than I did.
Start being unavailable, don't tell her why and gradually withdraw as you cultivate other friends who.bring something more to your life.

She may well feel the same about you. Just don’t initiate conversation and let it fizzle out naturally.

Covid gives us the perfect excuse to 'ditch' people ... just be ruthless, concentrate on the people you like.

I know it sounds tough, I've been 'dropped' as a friend a couple of times, in one case I thought we had a really good friendship, going back many years but I do understand that you can't get on with everything "forever" and sometimes friendships have just run their course.

I have done this before and it's like a weight off my shoulders.

This "friend" never had a kind word to say about anyone, always so negative and everything always had to be about her. She had just re-connected with an old "frenemy" and said the reason she did it was because said "friends" life made her feel better about her own situation. That same friend suffered an ectopic pregnancy and she told anyone who would listen about it, and then accused her of lying about ever being pregnant.

It all came to a head when, to sum it up very briefly, the friendship group told her she was being unreasonable about something. She turned on us all and started telling every person in the group about all the nasty things the others had said/done (which was all bullshit).

It's been 3 and a half years of blissful peace and no drama, and I would NEVER go back. Life really is too short.

I had a lightbulb moment during this pandemic, when I realised who I really missed spending time with and was absolutely desperate to see in person and hug again, and who I really didn't miss spending time with. When things go back to normal, whenever that is and whatever that looks like, I don't think my time spent with people will look like what it did before the pandemic.

In terms of what to do, I think 'drifting' as you put it OP is what I'm doing too.

I suppose I'm a bit worried about her bad- mouthing me ( I have done nothing wrong, she'll just take me as "weird, moody , odd" ), she knows a lot more people than me and has a lot more friends( that she bitches about!!) than me. I am quite selective now about who I spend( spent) time with . Had a night out with her and her "friends" . Felt v uncomfortable. Most were not ib
Interested in talking to me ( how old are you, I hear you cry), but to be quite honest I couldn't be arsed to make an effort. I find I am usually the one initiating conversations and I act more confident than I am . I would classify myself as an introvert who comes across quite confident.

The problem is she is( was) probably my closest friend locally and I only have a few others here.

From what you say, she's probably bad mouthing you anyway. Honestly, people like this are not worth your energy. Withdraw and cultivate other friendships and try not to think about her and what she's up to.

She sounds exactly like an ex friend of mine. I realised she was actually a two faced bitch and there was only 1 friend who she never talked about or slagged off. I knew she would be doing the same to me. She was jealous of everyone and it showed a lot but she hid it all under a guise of always helping others and being a good friend. Few can see her for what she truely is unfortunately.

I found it easy as once our DCs left their school, I just never contacted her. She didn't me either thankfully so it was easy.

I'd just phase her out. Don't contact her, if she wants to make plans, be vague and busy.