Realised I'm scared of my friend

[AnaBananarama]

NC for this as could be outing. I'm not sure if it is possible to be in an abusive relationship with a friend or I am just overracting here but either way this friend of mine has made me feel vulnerable and scared. We've been friends since our DC were at infant school and our DS's now teens still get on very well even though at different schools now and chat/text/play xbox together with a wider group of friends a lot.

Main Mum friend can be a bit in your face and I can be too meek for my own good but as we generally meet up in a larger group its fine. She is very sociable and organises most of the Mum get togethers. I've kept away from those during lockdown as have most the group with main mum and a few others still going round each others houses. She's made digs at me and some of the others the group about us being spoilsports, over reacting to covid etc. I've just ignored those.

Then she started messaging me direct criticizing my choice not to meet up, I was polite but firm that I wasn't going to. Next was phone calls where she was very irate that I wouldn't agree to my DS going round their house during lockdown. I thought that she understood my view after the last call and that was that. And then this week when I made the mistake of answering honestly when another Mum in the group asked if my DS was going to main Mums house she has exploded at me. Apparently I am damaging her DS's mental health by my choice as the other Mums have decided to not let their DS visit either that is all my fault and she demands an apology.

I refused to apologise and I think she was a bit taken a back at first and now has the bit between her teeth to grind me down. I don't really want to leave the group and even if I do exit the chat main mum will be there at any socials in future and our DS are friends. I have been scared to look at my phone this week and have been keeping it on silent. I think blocking her will just annoy her more and she lives local and knows my home number anyway and I just know she'll turn up on my doorstep.

Do I need to just get a grip? I'm a single parent and for the first time in many years I actually wish my ex was here to give her a piece of his mind. How sad is that!

You are absolutely doing the right thing. She's a twat and the other mums clearly needed someone to stand up and say no to her.
If she continues tell her that her behaviour is not going to change your mind and you won't be bullied.

Well done you! The way forward is to ignore direct communications from her but to be bright and breezy with the others as though it's a storm in a tea cup. Stick to your (totally correct) POV with them and play down any drama or gossip and Mrs Bully will soon feel the effects of her behaviour. Good for you and what an example for your daughter!

Thank you both so much for posting your support is appreciated

What a horrible bully that woman is , she wants you to break rules. Do not apologise.

Well done for the correct response. Has made me wonder how many people have broken lockdown rules due to pressure from others.

She sounds awful. Hold firm and don't apologise. I can't imagine the other mums will side with her.

I agree with PP, be bright and breezy with the other Mums and don't bring it up unless they do. Make out its all a storm in a teacup, if she keeps on just say no, you feel happier following the guidelines and look forward to seeing her once they are lifted. Just give a vague 'yes, it's difficult for everyone, let's hope it gets better soon', when she goes on about you ruining her son's MH!

I'm not sure bright and breezy will work if she is actively pursuing you about this and you are afraid of her.

Op in the often quoted Mumsnet phrase, she is not your friend. A friend respects your opinions even if they are different to their own.

You can't be running scared like this. You have to face it, ring her, and in no uncertain terms tell her that it is a shit thing for her to blame you for the mh problems of her son, when it is the pandemic that is to blame (no true friend would do that) and if she can't respect your views about not mixing socially then you are no longer her friend , her choice, and what's it to be, because you are entitled to your views and you will not be harrassed any longer?

You have to be prepared that you will lose the friendship though if you take this^ route. Good luck.

You are being very strong, and very principled, and very brave, and it sounds like the other Mums in the group appreciate it, and are very wisely following your lead. Do not negotiate with terrorists, be they three or thirty.

You need to tackle this head on.

Do you think she will come to your house and beat you up? If she confronts you with physical threats, call the police.

Perhaps naming the behaviour would get the message though

I have made my decision and will not tolerate you trying to bully me into submission.

If she throws a tantrum, let her crack on.

Tell her what Vetti (pp) said.
She’s not a friend. She’s an acquaintance you’d be better off without.

I had a friend like that who I ditched last year after her last rabid outburst because after several years I'd had enough.
Life is so much better now.

You're completely right! Good on you, it can be so intimidating to stand your ground with this type of character. Reminds me of Amanda (I think that was her name) in Motherland... she sounds horrible

OP this is not a normal friendship AT ALL. This sounds so toxic. I feel sorry for you feeling worried about a friend's reaction- just not normal or healthy at all.

She is a bully and your reaction has been appropriate.

Can you work on making new friends outside of this group? Perhaps this would be a good way to start extricating yourself. I'll bet many others in the group are also feeling uncomfortable but are too afraid to speak out.

Not sure how to handle it with DS. I wonder if you can be frank and let him know in vague terms that you're not comfortable with spending time with his friend's mum. Perhaps this could be a great opportunity to role model boundaries and expectations around respect and relationships?

And you sound very reasonable and lovely - you deserve better. I reckon you won't look back, once you're rid of her!

@AnaBananarama

I get understand where your viewpoint is on this issue Op

Your so called friend should not emotionally manipulate (emotional blackmail you into thinking that its your fault that her sons emotionall well being depends on !

She,your friends like a drama queen who is used to often emotionally bullying people to get her own way.!

Op focus on creating better friendships than her,also have people in your life who have a better attitudes,and things in common with.!

Your friend has clearly shown you she does not care and does not respect your values or your as a person.!
Be prepared to let this crap friend go !
Rember by ditching her or letting her go,it will create,enhance the opportunity for better friendships to take her place instead of this Toxic Drama Queen one op.!

Whether you’re not meeting up because of the rules or because you don’t want to is really none of her business. If others’ choose to follow your sensible decision, that’s nothing to do with you. Don’t block if it’s going to affect your wider social group, just deal with her as you would with a naughty schoolgirl, firmly and clearly.
She does not sound like a nice person. #meangirls

Thanks lovely vipers.