New baby - Maintenance

[Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails]

I'm expecting a baby - baby's dad and I have a brief fling, was never really a relationship. I found out I was pregnant, he wanted to make a real go of it and become a family - I did not. The relationship just would not work.

He earns quite a bit more than me (well over double) and is expecting to have a promotion this year which will increase his income.

Maintenance payments on the gov calculator work out to be nearly £450pm going by the baby staying solely overnight with me, which they will at first obviously. This will then change.

He says this will literally bankrupt him and he is not willing to pay that much.

We cannot have a constructive conversation about it - he just says he will pay me half on what he judges to be "baby expenses" on a month on month basis, and goes off on a tyrant about the government dictating what he can afford.

Every baby item I've suggested in buying (pram, cot etc) he just says is too expensive. They are very modestly priced items..

He gets very upset that we cannot be a couple and uses that as emotional blackmail - makes out I'm just after his money and that I won't cope with the baby "alone".

I don't know how to resolve this amicably. I will really struggle not being able to budget in advance and am concerned he will say no to paying "his half" for things. I don't want to ask if he is happy for me to buy packs of baby grows when I need them.

Any advice would be great. I don't want to sour our friendly relationship.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like a friendly relationship in the slightest.
I’d honestly stop asking for anything just now, and then claim straight through the CMS as soon as the baby is born, otherwise you’ll have 18 years of having to justify purchases and arguing with him.

I'd stop discussing it with him and go straight to CMS when baby is born to get payments direct via them. Saves you the stress and heartache of having to battle for what you are entitled to x

Another vote for CMS. He sounds tight and unreasonable. Has he started saying stuff like babies cost nothing? All well and good when he not taking maternity leave from work. A pram and a cot are hardly indulgent excessive requests

As above just go through CMS. You can't make him pay towards stuff right now unless he is willing.

I think you will just have to go to cms when the baby is born, yes he won’t like it and it will cause bad feelings but I just wouldn’t discuss it again, my ex didn’t like it when I went to cms and then he only pays £7 a week so can definitely see your ex being annoyed

The shit these men pull!

CMS

The poor guy!! Having to pay for HIS child, who'd have thunk it

I don't want to sour our friendly relationship

^

Shame he doesn't have the same courtesy

My ex was exactly the same! Moaned about prices, said I didn't need certain things, I didn't go mad by any means. So then... He wanted to give me half of what I bought. Baby lived with me. He visited three times a week. Still had his own time, I didn't have that. I did EVERYTHING for the baby. Went part time impacting my wage pension and chance of promotion. So I got pissed off and said we need to sit and sort the money. He expected me to keep all receipts and add up everything and we'd split it. Said no, told him to bring pay slips down so we could work it out. Said he would in a huff but never did. I had no clue what wage he was on. Offered 100 a month to which I said no, he then started putting the 100 in my account. It went nowhere so after a few months more I called CMS. He was livid.

I agree it's not me souring our relationship. I really really want to avoid doing CMS. I don't know why he's being such a prick tbh. He isn't like this usually...

I think it does all stem from me not wanting a romantic relationship going forward. We were very good friends before the misguided lockdown fling...

I'll leave it for now.

Worst case scenario is CMS an easy process?

@pumpkinbump this is exactly where I see this going if he keeps the same attitude and it's exactly what I want to avoid.

I'll need his full cooperation down the line to go back to work..

Very easy. Do it. He's being tight, that's all it is. He can afford it. It's not money for you, it's for your baby, keep that in mind, you're doing it for your baby so they get what they need and deserve.

Why do you need his cooperation to go back to work?

I just can't afford the childcare and I work shifts with unsociable hours with no shift pattern.

He works a shift pattern of days and nights. I can work my shifts (hopefully) to work when he is off, but this will obviously rely on him being able to care for DC.

It will need a lot of pre planning and an understanding on both sides.

I'm just worried now. I didn't see him being like this coming.

You can apply to have 80 percent of childcare costs paid. Did you know this? Also with the maintenance money of 450 that will go a way to covering the rest of it.

I would make it so I had to rely on him as little as possible.

Can I claim for a nanny? If I managed to find one? The shifts I do are all over the place though, I can't imagine it would be a very appealing job for a nanny. You couldn't work it around another family and would involve midnight finishes, dawn starts.. I'd only work part time too.

I do understand what you are saying though.

Family help is too far away which is irritating as they would be willing to help with the really late shifts.

I’d suggest you start looking for a job with regular hours as you have little local support. Relying on your ex for childcare to that extent will be a nightmare as he can control you quite easily by refusing to have the baby or by claiming he is the resident parent.

@Zofloramummy

I’d suggest you start looking for a job with regular hours as you have little local support. Relying on your ex for childcare to that extent will be a nightmare as he can control you quite easily by refusing to have the baby or by claiming he is the resident parent.

^^this. If he's holding maintenance over your head at this point then he's unlikely to be supportive over childcare later.

Good idea about looking for a new job. I don't know about nanny's but you can for childminders. Working pt could be great with regular hours, plenty of time with your baby and time at work. Also, what is he like as a person? Responsible enough to look after a baby? It turned out my ex wasn't.

CMS. You need to be able to budget. Maintenance isn’t just for baby clothes and nappies, it’s for the electricity you use to heat and light your home, a roof over the child’s head etc.
Would you consider moving near your family again for support? Once the baby is born he will be able to stop you moving away from where you are at the moment. Your proposed childcare arrangement would require a high level of cooperation and I just don’t think he will be able to manage it.
I think even if you had wanted a romantic relationship with him you would have eventually encountered these same problems. He is tight and wants control.

He sounds like he's not getting what he wants (you back) so he is trying to exert control over you through money.

I think it would be unwise to rely on him, either for money or childcare support, because as soon as he doesn't get his way he will hold them over you. Which is why you are best to try and be as self sufficient as possible, and go through the CMS for money. You cannot be amicable and reason with someone who is trying to manipulate you. Think of anything he does do to help you out as a bonus, but do not depend on it because he will throw it back in your face.

CMS. He’s not doing you a favour paying, it’s his child. He had his jollies so now he can pay.

CMS is a really simple process. They will work out how much it is, then he can pay you directly.

Also, dont feel guilty about the amount. CMS is the least he is expected to pay!

Is there any possibility of changing your job to more regular shifts? I was in the same position, and ex always saw it as "helping" me, meaning he thought I always owed him amd he could cancel at anytime, leaving me with no childcare 5 minutes before my shift started.

Don’t go down the line of keeping receipts for everything . My ex tried that but I refused to play ball so went to court ( pre CSA) and was awarded reasonable maintenance . Ex was told it wasn’t up to him to dictate what I spent the money on . As someone else said it’s not just about nappies and clothes, you need to keep a roof over your heads .
Sounds like he is trying to control you .