How did he know my address??!

[cheeseybean]

So a number of years ago I got into a relationship with a guy (let's call him Dave) that was completely unhealthy and toxic. We split, I left (the country) and, 7+ years on I have changed my number/moved home umpteen times/got married/had a child.

I only stay in touch with one friend from 'those days' (and that country), we will call her Sally. She is still friendlyish with Dave, has him as a pal on social media and they text occasionally usually happy bday/merry Christmas texts.

Last year, pre-COVID, Sally came to visit for a week or so. While she was here she was posting some pics on her Instagram stories etc saying she was with me and what town we were in, but that was the extent of it.

Fast forward to last week. It was my birthday and I received a Moonpig card from Dave. Saying he was thinking about me hoping I was well etc.

Sally swears blind she didn't give him my address but I honestly can't think of any other possible way Dave could know. I've tried googling my name to see if my address comes up, no - thank goodness. I'm not on the electoral register, have only Instagram but it is private and I have about 12 followers all of whom I know v well.
Sally straight away said he must've seen she was here (from her socials) and tracked her mobile. She showed me a dodgy looking website where you put in a mobile number and it'll give a location after you pay it £10.
He is intense but whether or not he would do that is another question, I feel like Occam's razor is telling me she must've just given my address to him??
This is obviously a major breach of trust and if so it would spell the end to our friendship. She often does things without thinking it through and if he gave her the spiel of 'ohh I just wanted to catch up' she may have given it to him thinking no harm done but then panicked when I asked her.
These mobile tracking websites, does anyone know if they actually work? Or are they just a scam to get your CC number.

I'm really stressed. First with my friendship with Sally, I feel like I can't trust her and I keep questioning whether or not she's lying to me.

Secondly because that horrible man has my address.... he travelled 5 hours to watch me in a show a few years ago (am dram) which I didn't even know he knew about. He left before the end, thank goodness but it freaked me out at the time.

Anyhoo sorry this is all garbled, I hope it makes sense. I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

OP I would mention this to the police. They can’t do anything as he’s not broken any laws, however they will have do a domestic report which will log all the details (including the historical stuff). I think it’s important that there is a record of this, particularly now he has your address and has sent you a card out of the blue. If he has a history of controlling behavior I’d say this is a red flag and it should be logged. Please don’t feel like you’re wasting their time, the Police do this all the time, particularly where DV is concerned.

Even if you don’t want to do anything right now, keep the card (or at least take photos) just in case anything else happens. If anything happens at all then you must tell the police.

Is he connected with Sally on any kind of tracking app? E.g. on iPhones you can have friends on ‘find my friends’ and see their location at all times. Or I think snapchat and Facebook had/have those options so while she was with you he could have looked at her location overnight when she would have been sleeping in your house.

Maybe you could mention to Sally that you are thinking of involving the police (even if you’re not) which might lead to her confessing that she gave him your address

He might have used a tracing service. I used one once in an attempt to track down a supposedly absentee freeholder (‘absent’) for 7 years, since it was causing a lot of problems with a property purchase.

They found him in a week, and he was living under an assumed name, too. (Debts attached to the FH.).

The only info I had to give was his name and his last known address (of the property concerned).

We went through this with my sister's dodgy ex years ago. Turned out he had hacked her email account and got her home address and number from there. Also, if someone is reasonably capable they could get a LOT of info from photos..,

I was going to suggest the EXIF data of the photos too. That would only work for a rough location unless your house isn't close to another or it is distinctive enough to spot from google earth/street view.

The data used to remain on photos you uploaded to MN but they fixed that. Does Instagram etc retain it?

I'd say to your friend that it's really concerned you and that you're going to the police. If she has given your address then she may admit to it.

Honestly it’s easy to find people, especially if he knows your name and rough location. Obviously it’s weird and creepy so most people don’t do it! But we have a relative who we don’t want to have our address, and we are VERY careful - nothing at all on social media that could identify our location (even the city), we’re not on the electoral register, etc etc.

I would report this contact to the police - it’s unwanted, and he must know that it would be. Given the history as well it’s important to log this. If anything else happens then the police would be able to intervene.

Super easy. 192.com, Companies House (are you listed a director or company secretary with any company), planning applications on the council website.

I think a determined person can find you quite easily if they want to- scarily so. I wouldn't jump to the assumption it was Sally, although it's possible.

Apply to the council to have your name removed from the electoral roll. You have to opt out of this, which I do every time the voting lady comes over. I do a Google search semi-regularly to see if I can be traced and I can, sadly to affiliations with companies. My social media presence is very low.

@Monsteraobliqua

Depending how bad your relationship was, do you think if you told Sally you were going to contact the police as your ex has somehow got your address and you consider this stalking after him turning up to watch you in a play, she might own up if it was her?

It may be unfortuate that he's found out or been told, but I can't see that it's a police matter. One Birthday card however unwelcome is hardy harrassment.

@Milomonster

Apply to the council to have your name removed from the electoral roll. You have to opt out of this, which I do every time the voting lady comes over. I do a Google search semi-regularly to see if I can be traced and I can, sadly to affiliations with companies. My social media presence is very low.

Don't get removed from the electoral roll you'll loose your vote - but you can remove your name from the PUBLISHED electoral roll and still be eligible.

@TheSandman yes you right. Sorry. You can opt out of having your details made public.

I'm obviously in the minority here but I think your friend gave your address. Instagram strips EXIF data. 192 only shows if you're on the public electoral roll.

I always opt out of the public electoral roll. And neither myself or Dh have any interests in any companies so we wouldn't be found on CH

SirGawain

I agree. I just thought saying it, not making a report unless she genuinely felt threatened, might be a way to get Sally to confirm she had given him the address if the OP thought that was likely, knowing Sally well. An underhand way, granted.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not keen on tricking people, it was just if OP didn't have any other possible explanations and strongly suspected it was Sally it might put her mind at rest.

Sounds like there are other possibilities I didn't realise though so a good chance the OPs friend wasn't involved.

The Snapchat maps one is definitely a possibility though

I'm not on Snapchat but sally is and I'm sure she would prob be friends with him on there. Apparently it's like find my iPhone if you don't make your location private . I'll ask her

192.com?? Easy to do

I believe it's very easy to track people on Snapchat, wasn't there an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians were all the sisters begged Kylie to turn her Snapchat location off because it was attracting stalkers?

Only half joking, but can you move house?

@cheeseybean

I'm not on Snapchat but sally is and I'm sure she would prob be friends with him on there. Apparently it's like find my iPhone if you don't make your location private . I'll ask her

I take back thinking Sally gave it to him if she's got her snap map location on. I hate the bloody thing and have it turned off constantly, it is very accurate! If you zoom in enough you can see a satellite image of wherever the person is so definitely possible, and easy, for him to have got your address if your friend snapchatted whilst there and had her map on. Bloody creepy of him though!

What is the function of that snap chat feature apart to attract weirdos? I don't see why they need to have it, especially as those Apps are mostly used by teenagers.

The teens use it to find each other
They can track someone on a date or night out

Some parents use it to track their kids

It can be useful, but like all technology only of used in the way it was meant to be