Lockdown has broken my 20 year cycle of disordered dieting/failing.

[PLAYJAJADINGDONG]

Which you might think is a good thing but I've actually just realised that the only thing keeping me on top of my weight was seeing my family (I live in a different part of the UK), big social events and the threat of a camera/my mother's judgement.

Now that these events aren't happening I simply can't muster up enough panicked self-hatred to trigger my usual "get on the scales for the first time in 6 months/a year, scream, start starving myself, taking laxatives" routine.

I just don't have the will to do it. I love food, love cooking. I'm greedy. I hate exercise (like, properly hate it - have tried EVERYTHING and have never found an exercise I enjoy).

I have a history of depression and current very real (diagnosed GAD) anxiety and food has become my main pleasure/reward. I've got through another day at work? I deserve a takeaway. I've taken the dog for a walk and put the bins out? Mid morning treat deserved.

My issues with food go back to my childhood and are inextricably connected to my difficult relationship with my mother who restricted food for me and my siblings and brought me up to see a woman's value as solely defined by her dress size.

I'm not huge. A good wobbly size 14 at the minute. And I don't feel as good as I know I would at my fighting weight (a small 12). But I am maintaining a full time job in a pandemic while battling some shitty mental health symptoms (like so many others). I am co-parenting two amazing DC with my ex and have a wonderful DP (who has also gained weight but we're still very much ok physically - no issues there🤣 ) and thankfully my loved ones are all healthy so I mostly just feel really grateful with my lot.

Like I said, I just can't bring myself to hate my appearance enough to start down the disordered eating road again.

I can't do moderation. Have never been able to. I am either restricting/obsessing (weighing every single morsel that I eat, 600 cals a day max, taking laxatives, avoiding social engagements that involve food etc) or eating like Henry the fucking Eighth with the munchies. There is no in-between.

I have had therapy and it has helped greatly with other issues in my life but not with my relationship with food/my body.

I don't want to gain more and I can't get on board the fat acceptance train (for me, personally - to each their own). I am vain and when lockdown is lifted I suspect I'll go into full scale diet mode.

I would rather find something to help me start making small, doable changes but I don't know what that is.

Eurgh. 🍷 if you made it this far.

Does anyone relate?

You sound as if you are winning at life, balancing a lot and doing brilliantly.

There's a new book out somewhere called The Fuck it Diet, its basically anti-diet, challenges all the ideas about weight and worth, food and dieting etc. I'm temped to get it myself, might be worth a read.

5.2 can help food-lovers ‘tread water’.

I’m very like you in that I’ve spent my life either restricting my food and over exercising (and therefore miserable) or binge eating and gaining weight (so still miserable).

I’m now in my 30s and I’ve been dieting since I was 12. I’ve finally reached a place where I’ve decided there are much worse things in life than being a bit chunky. I try to eat mindfully but also eat meals that I truly enjoy and look forward to so I don’t feel restricted, which is when I’m likely to snap and binge, binge, binge. I don’t want to go back to how I felt when I was at my heaviest but I’m also no longer punishing myself to be as thin as possible.

Octopus that book sounds interesting. Will check it out. Thank you.

june I've tried IF in the past but I just ended up eating the calories for the fasting days every day. It's like I get addicted to dieting. My brain is so extreme in regards to food/diet. Will look into it again though so thank you.

amused It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I've also ended up thinking there are worse things I could be in life than a size 14. I'm kind, smart, funny and have a fulfilling and worthwhile life after all. But then the niggles creep back in and I end up back in the loop. I would love to learn how to retrain my brain regarding food/diet/body image but part of me suspects that, given that I've been stuck in this cycle since I was 20 (am now 40), the damage is too ingrained 🙁. Plus I can't afford the intensive counselling that it would probably require.