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Original poster

What can I buy for someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer?

35 replies

Bikely · 03/02/2021 10:46

This is one of DD's friend's mother. I don't know her very well at all but I would love to give her something to show we're thinking of her.

She has a lot of supportive family so apparently doesn't need help with things like cooking or cleaning. She's in her 50's. Bag ideas gratefully received.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bikely · 03/02/2021 10:47

Good ideas not bag ideas!!

OP posts:
jenthehen · 03/02/2021 10:48

I think anything soft and warm. Perhaps some lovely good quality fluffy socks or hot water bottle with cover.

needadvice54321 · 03/02/2021 10:50

You sound lovely op. When my DS was on chemo he really suffered with chapped sore lips so maybe some nice lip balm? Hand cream?

Gerbi1 · 03/02/2021 10:50

On Etsy I’ve seen little gift sets with warm socks, hand warmers, candles etc

Original poster
Bikely · 03/02/2021 10:53

Oh those are all lovely ideas - thank you Flowers

OP posts:
MaelyssQ · 03/02/2021 10:58

A nice fluffy throw so when she feels well enough to sit in the lounge she can still be cosy and warm. Some nice pyjamas as well perhaps? If she likes word games, then puzzle books might be an idea. My brother needed something to distract him when he was going through chemo, so we got him a tablet preloaded with Scrabble , crosswords and jigsaws.

barberousbarbara · 03/02/2021 11:05

Lip balm and hand cream are useful. The constant trips to hospital have left my hands and lips dry with all the mask wearing and hand washing/sanitising. A water bottle is also useful

pumpkinbump · 03/02/2021 11:22

It might just be how my weird mind works but I don't think I'd like to receive pajamas socks or blankets as I think it would remind me of the illness and the fact I may ne holed up feeling ill for a while from chemo etc. I would prefer some pampering things I think.

Original poster
Bikely · 03/02/2021 12:33

Thanks for the further suggestions, and I'm sorry for those of you who have been or are going through the same, or who are watching loved ones suffer.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 03/02/2021 14:23

Nice biscuits.

Not too personal so you’re not sure if she would like it- I’ve still got unused toiletries my team gave me when I had cancer 2 years ago. I also agree with what @pumpkinbump said.

Palavah · 03/02/2021 14:25

Www.notanotherbunchofflowers.com is great

Isadora2007 · 03/02/2021 14:27

Honestly? Nothing. She’s not your friend. Remind dd to chat to her friend and if you can invite her (dds friend) for a walk etc (covid rules depending) then do that. But the woman has family and friends so her chemo and cancer really don’t have anything to do with you.
I say this a former cancer patient myself.

WindyScales · 03/02/2021 14:29

When my dad was having chemotherapy he had really dry skin. My cousin gave him some natural/organic hand & body cream. I can’t give you the name as she sent it from Canada. But I know you can buy specific cream for people undergoing chemo in the UK.

MrsPnut · 03/02/2021 14:32

I’d send some cupcakes or chocolates, because then these can be shared amongst the whole family.

I have hundreds of lip balms, hand creams etc and when you are going through treatment for cancer it is tough for the whole family not just the person who is ill.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/02/2021 14:35

If she has just been diagnosed I would let her get her head around it before sending things to help with the symptoms she may (or may not) have many weeks in the future once she is into chemo. She might not want to think that far ahead yet.

I personally wouldn't send her anything if I didn't know her, if your dd knows her from visiting her friend maybe ask her if she wants to give a box of chocolates from herself for her friend and her mum to share. Otherwise the best thing you can do is advise your dd how she can best support her friend. It will be a weight of the mums mind if she knows her dd has a friend to talk to.

user1465423698 · 03/02/2021 14:36

@pumpkinbump

It might just be how my weird mind works but I don't think I'd like to receive pajamas socks or blankets as I think it would remind me of the illness and the fact I may ne holed up feeling ill for a while from chemo etc. I would prefer some pampering things I think.
Unsolicited gifts assuming she was going to be bedbound for the foreseeable really upset my mum.

She said it both made her feel hopeless about what was happening and that people were taking even more control away from her by making assumptions about how she wanted to spend her time.

This person may also be bombarded with well wishes (and people trying to discharge their own fears by fussing her) right now. Remembering her a month, three months, six months from now when things feel relentless and it seems like everyone else has carried on with their lives without her could be more powerful than any gift you buy right now.

Rodent01 · 03/02/2021 14:38

I’d send a card with maybe some biscuits / chocolate if you feel the need and offer to have her DD over if she needs some down time or to do pick ups / drop offs. Practical offers of help, even if not accepted are always important. I was fine all the way through chemo and worked and DD1 was aged 2 but people offering made me feel happy that it was there if I needed.

Septemberries · 03/02/2021 14:42

I agree with the people saying that your role essentially is to support your dd in supporting her dd.
Even a message to her saying that (lockdowns permitting) her dd is always welcome at yours whenever she wants, or at specific times such as when the mum is in having treatment.

That will be a weight off her mind.

nether · 03/02/2021 14:45

A card with an open invitation for your DD's friend to come and stay with you whenever it is needed

Something from your DD to hers (what might your DD like to do to support her friend - bake something?)

And when we have news of schools going back, ask again if you can help. Going from normal to CEV overnight is scary, and she might be worried about what risks there might be from a household member mixing in school whilst she is going through treatment. Depending on ages and characters of the girls, having her stay for a few weeks so she does not have to worry about infecting her mum could make an enormous difference

(obviously that does depend somewhat on what sort of cancer and what the treatment will be like)

ScalpHelp · 03/02/2021 14:45

Honestly? Nothing.

I’m inclined to agree. You don’t know her - you’re not close enough to know what her favourite things are or what her comforts might be. Her loved ones will have her covered.

If you must give a gift, keep it basic. A pampering gift set, a “thinking of you” card, a candle or some snacks/treats to be shared with the family (maybe the daughter’s favourites?)

Atrixie · 03/02/2021 14:49

Nothing.

Unless she’s one of your close friends I don’t think it’s appropriate. Send her your best (but not every week or even every month), invite her daughter over when restrictions are lifted, and leave the rest to her friends.

Chewbecca · 03/02/2021 14:57

If you don’t know her very well at all, I don’t think a gift is appropriate. It would make me think I am the hot topic of conversation.

Do you know if she’s happy for people to know? A family friend had a mastectomy yesterday and doesn’t want anyone (school mums etc) to know - sending her a gift because you heard on the grapevine wouldn’t help.

Stonecrop · 03/02/2021 15:04

Maybe give your daughter money to choose something for her friend instead? I don’t know what age they are but maybe something that would be a distraction she can do in her own like an intricate colouring book and pens or bracelet making set?

Twizbe · 03/02/2021 15:12

There is a website called not another bunch of flowers. Started by a woman who was sick of getting flowers when she had cancer. It's a lot of gifts and cards that are more practical etc.

I got my friend some nausea drops and soft caps for when she started chemotherapy from there.

Skyppy · 03/02/2021 15:17

When I had breast cancer I don't think I would have wanted a gift from someone I didn't know well. A message saying you have heard the news and want to wish her well is enough. Then, months down the line when the novelty has worn off and her friends and family are bored with it all, send her some flowers and offer to visit.