How do you balance a longer commute with kids?

[december2020]

I'm currently on mat leave and started thinking how on earth will DH and I be able to balance the commuting and childcare.

DH has a commute of approximately 1 hour but his work schedule is on a rota with a couple of night shifts. So while he has more days off, it's not the same days each week. When he is working, it's longer hours so pick up would definitely fall on me (he could do drop off).

I work and commute to London which is usually about 1.5 hours one way once you factor in delays etc.
Definitely will look at roles which allow me to work from home 2-3 days a week (post pandemic when offices are open again) but need to figure out how we would manage the days I'd be in the office.

I would have thought nurseries need consistent days you're in and don't cater to a 'rota'? Is it terrible that DS may need to be in nursery 5 days a week?

We may look to move closer to London/office down the line but that wouldn't be for a 2-5 years and of course takes time to do and needs to be the right area and house. So not a quick fix as such. At the moment we have no family living close by so wouldn't be able to rely on them.

How do you do it?

Would you consider a child minder? Research both and see what would be best.

5 days is a lot for your baby’s to attend nursery but if needs must... it doesn’t make you a bad parent because we don’t know what you have to pay out.

You don’t get them priceless moments back though whilst babies are so young.

Unfortunately both me and DH need to work to pay the bills etc and neither of our industries really cater to part time. I could look at working 4 days a week (but again in my industry usually you'd end up doing 5 days of work but being paid for 4 days with this set up).

It's definitely been on my mind a lot lately as being in DS's life and having as much time and work life balance with him is important to me and I have no idea how I'll achieve it but I wanted to get my plan together as early as possible, while time is still on my side.

There aren't really similar roles locally so I would have to make a career change if I wanted to explore that (so not quick fix solution and needs to be thought through).

OP, it’s really hard. What I’ve learned from MN is that people prioritise what is important to them and compromise on loads of other things. For example, some people decide that life has to be as simple as possible, so they choose a house right beside their work knowing that their DC will go to the local (ok) school which they can walk to, and the adults can also walk to work.(I totally take my hat off to these people). What the house is like seems almost irrelevant. Other people choose a school with wrap around care to enable their long commutes. When ours were little we had a nanny as we both commuted into London and I worked shifts. Alternatively we could have moved to central London and used my work place nursery...I didn’t want to live in London. We only seem to make decisions that make our lives harder and more expensive 😂......kids about to start school 40 minutes in the opposite direction to my hour commute 😳.

I think when his rota allows you try and do a longer day balancing out need for you to go at say 4 a couple of days a week either in early or home late. I used to get in central London office for 7.15 am. It was actually a way nicer journey at that time as well. The train apps are you friend - check them in the afternoon so you can get an idea of any problems and leave earlier if needed.

I think you'll need to pay for 5 days of childcare, but not necessarily use them. It sound like your DH has at least one day off during the week but not always the same day? So you'd need to pay for 5 long days and then send them in for whichever 4 you actually need each week. Private nurseries are flexible, there's be no problem picking up/dropping off at different times each day. It'll be expensive though.

I'd be looking further ahead though: Nursery is all well and good, if you're lucky you'll have one that opens 7:30am to 6:30pm but when they are older how will you get them to school at 9am and pickup at 3? Perhaps breakfast/after-school club if there's one at your local primary. If you have more than one child, how will you deal with drop off/pick up in two locations, nursery and school?

For this reason, I'd consider a childminder from day one. The downsides are: your eggs are all on one basket if they're sick or drop you as a client. However they'll take your baby for 5 days from 12m, probably do drop off/collection for half days at preschool nursery from age 3, then pick up/collection from school from age 4.

Your point about 5 days work squeezed into 4 days for less pay is true, but it's what most women I know are dealing with for the first 3 years at least.

I would look at a nanny if possible. Otherwise you are going to have to get baby up early and out for childcare, and back late. With a nanny they come to your house, so if your home at 7pm, baby will be fed, bathed and in pjs at home ready for you to see them a bit and do bedtime. They will usually help with all other baby stuff like laundry to free up your time

Not criticising anyone’s choices re childcare and full time nursery etc but when you say unfortunately we both need to work to pay the bills, I think it depends what those bills entail. If it is a massive house and lavish lifestyle then that is a choice, not a necessity if that makes sense. If you don’t want your DS in full time nursery, are you sure there aren’t life style changes you could make to make it happen?

I don't think it's terrible sending DC to a nursery 5 days but working full time with a 3 hour commute sounds exhaustive and not something I would want to entertain!

Single parent with a 1.5 hour commute. It’s fine. You just get on with it tbh. Dd goes to nursery 3 days a week. If you scope out some places there will be nurseries that cater to shift patterns (shift workers still need childcare!) or a childminder might be an idea.

@SandysMam I agree. Sometimes it takes for you to put pen to paper to visually see what you are spending I think all of us could shave our spending down and outgoings if we tried. Since lockdown my income has been the same but I have learnt to cut my spending to a minimum when I don’t really need to buy things.

Another vote for a nanny here

My husband is a firefighter and works rotating shifts - our nursery allow us to do one or two days a week and the days change very week. Not all nurseries can do it but if you call round a few you might find some that can accommodate.

I would have thought 5 days at nursery was pretty standard? Also if you pay for the maximum number of hours they won't comsin about different pick up times on different days surely.

People who give the ‘priceless moments’ rhetoric can just eff off. My DD has been in nursery full time since she was 9 months. She absolutely loves it, has all her friends there, gets to do so much more than she does at home. She actively thrives in that environment. We’ve been isolating the last ten days so she hasn’t been, and yesterday (her first day back) she sprinted in. We pay an outrageous amount for being in an incredible nursery, and it’s worth it. Plus I’m a much better parent when I do see her, I can solely focus on her.

I also can’t stand the ‘it’s a very long day at nursery’ brigade. It’s no longer than a day at home is!

I would rather she was only in 4 days a week, but my work just won’t allow that yet. And if you get a new job it’s likely to be full time until you can request part time hours.

From my NCT group all but one parent has their child in full time nursery. It’s completely normal where we live (zone 4 London).

@Needallthesleep people are allowed to give their view. Don’t come on a forum if you feel the need to start getting uppity. You shared your view and when others have shared theirs you don’t like your seem shirty about it.

Who are you to tell others to F off. Cheeky cow.

Nobody stated that nursery isn’t loved by the kids!

It is possible to manage but it’s much, much easier if only one of you has a long commute and if flexible working is an option. I have a very long commute (3 hours door to door). I leave at 6:30 and walk in the door at 9:30, leave at 4 and home at 7. In normal times, I do this 3 days a week, 1 day wfh. I work compressed hours and work on the train. My office is in Central London. I wouldn’t be able to work in my field otherwise as it’s a very niche scientific area and there are no research centres where I live (but I love living in the countryside).

Personally I think it’s the best of both worlds. I get to live where I want, travel a bit, London is lovely, haves career I love. But it works because Dh is close to home (15 minute commute) and can be flexible as he’s self employed.

I would look to see if your Dh can shift to a more consistent working pattern or if you can work around each other’s schedules. Usually I work 3 long days a week but it means the other 2 days I am home to do the school run or have youngest home one day. Dh works his long days then. We both work evenings after bedtime.

It’s easy at nursery age (and probably easier if you can afford a nanny), but I would think ahead to what school would look like. A lot can change in a few years so I wouldn’t panic but I would start to plan long term. The school day is 8:45 to 3. We have no wraparound care where we live, no breakfast club or after school club. There is one childminder who collects from school (but she’s a mum I know and I wouldn’t really want her looking after my dc). This is when you have to get creative.

That said, I love my job and I’ve found the long days but we lots of time elsewhere in the week. Also means Dh gets lots of quality one on one time. 5 days is not too long for small children to be in nursery. People need to live and children adjust really well.

I think you firstly need to look at the practical side of things, if you choose a nursery closer to home will you be able to get there in time every day accounting for traffic etc. Would any childminders offer flexible or longer hours?

If you're working to pay the bills you may not afford a nanny (but it depends what you mean by that- if you're bills are massive and could be reduced maybe you can?)

We paid for nursery 5 days a week, DH went away for wok relatively frequently so whilst I didn't always need childcare up to 6pm when he was home, because he could go away we just had to suck it up and pay even though we didn't always need it. Nursery was easier for us when we had commute as childminders charge by the hour so can get very expensive by the hour.

My child really struggled to settle in nursery until he was there more hours. He liked the routine. He found it stressful doing bits here and there around our working patterns.

In my.experience of a couple of childminders in my area they rarely have children in 5 days a week and would be happy with paying for 4 days a week and using them flexibly. Would depend on demand in your particular area though.
it's worth asking.

Could you do compressed hours 5 days in 4, or 10 days in 9? On your commute days when DH is home you're not going to be home much to see baby anyway so you could rack up the hours and then have Fridays off. Working from home really would help with compressed hours too especially if they don't mind you finishing early then doing a few extra hours in the evening.

Also both childminders preferred to charge by the day and were cheaper than Nursery (both Ofsted outstanding).

We completely changed our life to get around this. Moved countries and both of us can now walk to work (although wfh for last year). It has improved everything for us, and DH loves that he has stronger relationship with both kids as a result.
DH got his job first, we chose a smaller place that was close to everything we need and his work. When I looked I would only consider locations that meant a short trip or walking distance. It gave us back so much time and meant we became more equal partners.

Pre-covid we had this as we chose to live in a commuter town and both commute to our nearby city. It is hard and has made our childcare choices far more complicated.

Our nursery was only open 7.30am - 6pm which wasn't enough to time for one person to drop off and pick up on the same day and fit in a working day. Also a very long day for a little one. We were also restricted to nurseries near the station, meaning we had to stick with a nursery we liked less for convenience. It's been really, really hard at times to try to sort childcare and make it consistent and enjoyable for the children.

One thing that has been good is having alternative people to collect if needed - can you have a relative, friend or neighbour you could call at short notice to run over the nursery in an emergency? We had a nightmare with the local train service in 2019 and had to call a few times as we wouldn't be back for 6pm. Our lovely neighbour went for the kids and fed them biscuits Infront of cbeebies until we made it home

This is so helpful and definitely an eye opener!
DH is in the fire brigade so changing work shifts would also require him to do a total career change unless he works his way up the ladder.

Regarding bills, it's mostly the house prices and travel costs of London and the south east, we live in a terraced house in a commuter town as it's what could afford at the time. So no lavish house.

Definitely have the disadvantage of closet family living 100miles away. (Or advantage depending on who you are)!

I know I'm not the first to have this dilemma or situation but I applaud all the amazing parents who are able to do it!!
It's so tricky balancing spending quality time with the kids and working - something I never had to think about until now.

I think definitely as a longer term plan we need to either move to cut the commute down or one of us may need to career change so we can work more local here with better hours but neither are on the whim quick solutions and need proper thinking and planning.

In the short term, you've given me some good tips! I'll look at nurseries and child minders to see what flexibility they have! For example, can I commit to 3 days a week but be flexible on which days they are.

Also compressed hours is smart - as I'm reluctant to be paid for 4 days while doing 5 days worth of work. This could work well with 2 days WFH and 2 days in the office.

Also moving country - this would be my number one option! But convincing DH is proving very hard!