What to say to grieving friend - advice?

[asdnamechange]

My friends grandmother recently died. I was quick to send my condolences via text message, (sorry for loss/ if there’s anything you need ... etc)

A few days later they had posted a picture on social media of their Grandmother, so I commented saying it was a beautiful picture, so sorry for your loss etc...

Now it’s been over a week since I last spoke to her. Just wondering if anyone had any advice on how best to approach them

I was going to ask ‘how have you been doing’ but worry that sounds stupid or rude, as I’m sure most likely they’re not feeling well

Before their bereavement we’d chat every week, but I feel it’s inappropriate if I send something jokey or light hearted like we usually did

Just say something, don’t over think it. The longer you leave it the harder it gets.

Also, don’t assume that she isn’t okay, the initial upset might now have been replaced with acceptance only slightly tinged with sadness, if her grandmother was old and infirm.

I was going to ask 'how have you been doing'

That's just about right, actually. I've been bereaved several times, and honestly, the worst thing wasn't people contacting me, it was people who didn't contact me. I felt abandoned.

I know why people do it. It's because you don't know what to say and don't want to upset them by saying the wrong thing, but believe me, not hearing from people was what upset me the most.

Was your friend very close to her grandmother?

I've been lucky so far in that I've never lost anyone close to me in life, but I know when a friend of mine lost a parent, he really appreciated having a chat with me. We'd talk about his parent and how he was feeling, but also have a laugh and a joke about normal things like we'd always done. He said he enjoyed having his mind taken off of things.

I suppose everyone will react differently and your friend may prefer to be left alone, but maybe you should give her a call, or message her asking if she'd be ok with you calling? That way she can talk more to you if she wants to, but say no if she isn't in the mood.

Call her not text her.

I agree with PP who said it's worse not to say anything. Ask her how she is, tell her you're thinking of her...

Literally that. ‘I have been thinking of you. How are you? Do you want to talk?!

I think you are overthinking it, a 'how are you doing, I'm thinking of you' type message is absolutely fine. There's lots of silly or insensitive things people can and do say to the bereaved but for the most part I think it's worse when friends/family go all radio silence for fear of saying the wrong thing, personally having lost people, I would always rather hear from someone even if they are a bit lost for words or awkward or even if they say something downright stupid, than not hear from them at all.

So long as you listen to what she has to say, sympathise without gushing or making it all about you, and take her lead in what/how much she wants to say (when I was bereaved I think a lot of people thought I would want to talk about it all the time, to some extent I did and I did appreciate them showing sympathy and asking lots of questions etc, but also sometimes I really liked just some ordinary light hearted conversation, jokes, hearing their news etc. It helped me feel a bit more anchored and normal for a while!

You don't need anything perfect to say - silence is worse than imperfect phrasing.

The thing is, when you are bereaved there is no perfect thing to say, there is nothing anyone can say that makes it better, and people who try by using with platitudes like 'they're in a better place now' usually miss the mark quite widely .

I'd far, far rather a bumbling, English 'how are you? oh silly me of course I know how you are, you're awful, I mean you don't look awful, you look great, I mean not great you look sad oh god kill me now, oh no I didn't mean to say that, oh shit I'm sorry' type conversation than someone solemnly holding my hand and giving me the benefit of their perfect technique in how to handle the bereaved, the former stands a chance of making me smile, the latter just sets my teeth on edge

I'm been trying to work out what to say, and am glad to read the other replies, alll agreeing that something neutral along that reminds the person you are thinking of them and offers support or a chat whenever the are ready, with no pressure is perfect.

Don't let that fear of getting it wrong stop you from reaching out. It is so appreciated to hear something, especially if there is no pressure to reply. All the best xx

As others have said, just say something, anything really. If you don’t it gets harder. I think what matters most is the expression of care, however inadequate words and gestures feel.

“Hi it’s me, asdnamechange, just calling to see how you’re doing. How’s things?” Should do it.

Just say “I hope you are ok and I have been thinking of you a lot the last week.”

id say similar to the others "hi, just checking in to see how you are? do you need anything? here if you fancy a chat xx"

I was wondering similar for similar reasons. Would you send something? Flowers seem kind of trite??

Thanks all, really helpful

I do think I was overthinking it and I’m glad I reached out as she seemed to be grateful

Lost a grandparent last week. Any kind of general chat or asking how I am has been lovely. A couple of friends bought me flowers and chocolate - very kind! Don't overthink it - let her know you're there and thinking of her.

Please say something to her, about anything even the weather, doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful ! My mum passed away 2 months ago and only my aunt has kept in touch, no brother or friends have been in contact. There’s nothing that they can say to make it any easier but just to know that they were thinking of me would mean a hell of a lot. My thoughts are with you 💐