A 'would you have a 3rd child' thread

[TooSensibleOfMyDefects]

Just wondering if anyone had any thoughts about having a 3rd child in our circumstances. DH is very much in favour, I'm more hesitant.

I'm nearly 37 and have 2 DC aged 5 and 3. We have frozen embryos left from our IVF treatment for the first 2 DC. In all honesty after years of infertility I am still sometimes in shock and awe at having 2 children! We kind of need to decide what to do - having the embryos just sitting there plays on my mind and I'd like to make a decision one way or another before it gets to be too late and the decision is taken out of ours hands.

We are financially comfortable although looking to move to a larger house and take on a bigger mortgage at some point this year or next. DHs wage would be responsible for paying most of this as it's far higher than mine.

I work PT and although I'm very happy with my work set-up it's fair to say it's taken a hit from 2 lots of maternity leave and going PT. I'm not exactly trailblazing in my field in the way I had dreamed of when younger. I've got great employers though and a good set-up but I would like to do a bit more with my career and struggle to balance that with being a mother.

I feel like my mind and body has only just recovered from 2 pregnancies, difficult c-sections and years of sleepless nights, stress etc. I'm enjoying wearing nice clothes and feeling reasonably fit and healthy again, having a chance to do my hair etc. I'd need to have another c section and lose the baby weight for a 3rd time. It sounds so shallow and selfish written down

Part of me feels like I should just be grateful for what I have and try to make life as good as possible for the children I already have. That said I would truly love another child in the family and worry that if we don't at least try I'll always feel a bit sad about it (and DH really sad) and it would mean actively destroying our embryos. That seems so much harder than just using contraception.

Also by the time we've see a consultant, been on the waiting list for a FET, had the treatment and if it's successful, we're looking at about 18 months from now minimum before a baby would be here. If we're going down that road I'd like to just get on with it.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts...

I am a similar age with a 4 and 6 year old. I had been having similar thoughts about a third child but over all I came down on the side of sticking with 2.

For me I am loving having a little more freedom now they are older. I love the type of activities we do now they are bigger and I know that would be limited again if we had a new baby. Overall I decided that although I liked the thought of another baby the reality of sleepless night is not something I want. Although my youngest is only 4 I also feel much older and like I just can’t be arsed with it all 🤣 and I’m looking forward to travelling more etc.

Having said that I don’t feel a huge emotional pill towards having a new baby. If I felt a deep desire for another baby I would probably go for it. I think the emotional aspect of it all is so huge.

If your career is a concern could you husband take leave and go part time if you had another baby?

Thanks for replying! It's good to hear you've stuck with two and happy with that. I feel so conflicted but struggle to get the downsides out of my head.

It's different for my DH as there are basically NO downsides for him and he gets another baby to snuggle. He can't go part time in his role unfortunately although if we have independence in Scotland his entire job market will disappear, so maybe he'd have more time on his hands...

I really wanted four kids. I have two teens now and am so glad we stopped at two.

My two do dance classes, ballet and athletics and the monthly bill for these is eye watering.

I work full time and am self employed and my business was has really taken off and am I really enjoying focusing on this rather than younger kids.

If there’s any chance either of you would be out of work in the near future I would stop at two.

I’m 38 and desperately wanted a third (6 and 4 currently) have had 4 miscarriages in the last two years and not sure if I want to go through another so am pretty sure I won’t try again. Helps that DH would rather not have another but would go along with it if I wanted to sort of thing

I'm 40 and I had my 3rd 5 months ago.

My eldest is 19.

If you want one, go for it.

I did, at 38 with a 10yo and 8yo. No regrets whatsoever the second she was born, though plenty of ambivalence in the pregnancy.

But if I were you, I think I possibly wouldn't. I didn't have that sense of having 'got my life back' after children that you describe and the back-to-square-one aspect wasn't difficult for me, not really. My work wasn't impacted due to the nature of what I do, but if I were career-minded in the way you describe I wouldn't dismiss that.

Re 'destroying' the embryos - surely (obv depending on how many there are) you wouldn't use them all anyway, so that would be the case for at least some of them whatever you did?

I have three, the youngest is 8, but if I was making that decision today in the current situation with regards pandemic / economy I wouldn't be getting pregnant. You sound in a great position to get a larger house and earn a bit more. Both of those will benefit your existing children. I'd focus on that.

I was in an almost identical situation a few years ago. Two children from IVF. Embryos in the freezer. We went for it, and had a third child.

I won’t lie, it has made life much more difficult. I hadn’t factored in how much support my children would need through primary school. Dealing with their homework and a newborn (then a toddler) at the end of the day is hard. I feel constantly torn between the three of them. Someone was always crying when they were younger. They haven’t got on as well as I hoped they would. The middle one seems particularly resentful of the youngest.

I understand the feelings about letting the embryos go. I know if we hadn’t tried using ours I would have always wondered if it was a mistake and felt slightly sad about it. It would be unfair of me to say using ours was not the right choice, but when life is hard I often wish I’d taken the easier road and let them go.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I really appreciate them.

Re destroying the embryos, we have 2, so yes there is the possibility that if we used 1 and it worked, we'd still have to deal with destroying the final one. There is of course the chance that neither work!

I do worry that it will be much harder than 2 and we are only really beginning to get to grips with life with the 2 we have. DH is one of 3 and I'm one of 6 (although my DSis died as a baby) so we had expected to have a large family. The reality was very different once they came along and the grind of juggling demanding jobs and parenting.

We have a date for an appointment with the consultant to discuss the future so DH and I can have a really good discussion before then.

I had my third child at 39 when the existing two were 4 and 6. I just had a real urge to have a third. I worried it might upset our family dynamics which have been pretty easy with lovely laid back kids. It's been great...we all really dote on her and she has been a delight. My friends all have 2 the same age as my eldest two and feel completely done and were really looking forward to getting their lives back...I didn't feel like that. I love the full on family life. I work full-time in a demanding job and they and my kids are my life but I'm ok with that.

Problem is I'm now 41 and feel torn about a fourth! There's no right answer but you've got to sit with it and see what feels right for you.

I have 3 kids. We had talked about but decided against a third but got a surprise a few months later. We all adore him but it’s been hard going. My eldest was 7 and my other child nearly 3 when he was born. Parenting 3 kids with such various ages through a pandemic has been hard. My 18 month old has missed out so much due too no toddler groups on and me having to homeschool my eldest plus look after my middle child and work.

Having 3 does change the dynamics and has increased my housework etc a lot. However 3 has definitely not been a crowd in my house and my older children adore their little brother. My middle child is going too school this year and next year my toddler will go to pre school nursery. I am looking forward too getting my career back on track and keeping my figure.