Did anyone else have a rubbish time at university?

[Magda16]

Just that really, I'm interested to know. Universities have been in the news a lot recently obviously, and lots of people talking about the 'student experience'. It's got me thinking back to my own student experience, in the late 1990s/early 2000s.
I went to a very prestigious university, from a state school in the Midlands. Had an absolutely miserable time, and was bullied. I've always felt like a bit of a failure over it really, I mean, who doesn't have a great time at university? So I was wondering, anyone else there who hated it?!

Went to uni from state school, first in family etc. Halls were full of public school people who all knew each other from boarding school. It was excruciating most of the time. I drank too much, struggled with the lack of structure, mental health patchy to say the least. It killed my confidence. I had friends, and people to live with but still felt an outsider. I have a handful of people I’m fb friends with still, but no more than that.

I should never have gone. It would have been much better for me, and my bank balance (took until 30 to pay off debts ) if I had just worked and gone to OU / evening school uni.

I had school friends who loved loved uni and still are close to them now some 20-30 years later. Not me!

I think I made some bad choices, I didn’t know what I wanted, so that with a total lack of advice from parents and school, made some just random choices. This was pre internet time - so the only thing I could go on was the paper bumpf the uni put out.

One thing I hope to install in my DC is a sense of self, to have an idea of what they like, don’t like what they want.

If I could be 18 again now, with that knowledge - wow would make some very different choices...

Wow thanks for all the messages everyone! So interesting to hear that there are lots of 'university survivors' out there.
Yes I somehow had got hold of this idea that you went to university and met your friends for life. I'd so much about how amazing Fresher's Week would be etc, and that there would be so many societies/sports/drama activities etc you could do.
I went to Oxbridge - my college was without doubt the bitchiest, most mysognystic, most competitive place I have ever been. It makes me sad to say that, but it's true. I'm sure it's better now. I was so unbelievably excited to go, couldn't sleep the night before. Within a week I realised that I had been massively mistaken. Almost all the societies etc were taken over by public school types, the social scene was dominated by invite-only social clubs which were in turn dominated by those who'd been to private school. I remember everyone talking about whether or not you were from the 'north' and the north being 'anything north of the Watford Gap'. I mean, wtf, and also, if someone said that now I'd just walk away and think that they were a bit of a saddo! Didn't know that at the time of course.
I remember within a few weeks all the 'friends' I'd made in the first week were blanking me (not exaggerating) because I wasn't hanging out with the right people.
Looking back, I can't believe I got through it. It wasn't worth having it on my CV if I'm honest. Warwick was my second choice, I think I'd have had a better time there.

I enjoyed the studying and met DH, so that was good. But I was wholly unequipped to handle the social side, detested partying (but felt obliged) and would have been better able to handle it all if id taken a year out (and accessed some counselling, but that’s another story).

For me, it was ultimately worth it in terms of academic result and the leg up it gave my career. However, I’m now doing an OU degree in a different subject and musing a lot on what could have been if I’d stepped off the conveyor belt.

That sounds very, very, very like my experience, @Magda16.

(Btw, you mentioning Watford Gap makes me remember: they literally used to talk about 'north of Watford Gap' like that, didn't they?! I remember getting laughed at because I didn't realise Watford in greater London wasn't the same place.)

Yes @KleineDracheKokosnuss - I really regret not taking a year out. But it just wasn't something people from state school did very much back then, at least not in my area. I had a few friends from private school when I was 16/17, that I lived on the same road as, and they did gap years. I remember my parents saying 'what's the point of that?'. I think I would have coped a lot better if I'd just had a bit more life experience. I'm not saying that the people in my college would have been nicer, just that I'd have been a bit more confident in how I dealt with it.

Haha yes @SarahAndQuack absolutely same for me! I had never ever heard of the Watford Gap, and I thought it was the same place that Eastenders was set in .
I just felt like I'd landed on Mars, and it wasn't a very friendly planet!

I actually did enjoy parts of it. But with very low self esteem and OCD - exams were an extremely stressful time - some parts I hated. I think you try and fit in and maybe you shouldn't.

Me! Hated it. Planned to leave after my first year but my parents guilted me into staying. I went to a uni in my home city so lived at home. Got no experience of ‘student life’, made very few friends, went from top of the class academically at school to bottom at uni level, struggled with the work list goes on.
I also had a boyfriend not from the uni so spent most of my time with him. Ended up with a low grade on my degree, £9k of debt and nothing to show for it. It’s definitely not for everyone and it’s something I won’t be pressuring my children to do like I was

Wow so many people who didn't enjoy it and just didn't click with people. I thought it was just me.

Yes me too, I didn't make any friends or click with anyone on my course, I chose the wrong subject in hindsight. I had to work too as my parents didn't support me at all, so I didn't have time for any socialising around work and studying. I really regret that time and the huge student loan I have that increases all the time and I haven't started to pay back 15 years later makes me feel even worse about it (and I'm on a contract where it only expires on my retirement not after 20 years like later loans). Wish I could go back in time and be strong enough not to go and follow my dreams instead and followed a non-academic arts route.

Interesting PPs saying they wish they'd had a year out and that might have helped. I did have a year out and felt that it added to the problem!

Uni most definitely wasn't the best time of my life. It wasn't a complete disaster and there were some good times, but I'd say I was quite unhappy for most of it. If DS wants to go I'll try and manage his expectations, I think.

I went as a mature student (51!) in 2018. The worst decision I have ever made. I moved to the next town to the nearest uni. Big mistake. It was very quiet. Only five full time students on my course and they resolved themselves into two couples, plus me. My marriage had recently broken up and I was really in no fit state to be trying to study. There was no social life at the university at all; no clubs to join, not even a bar or a cheap place to eat, nowhere where you could meet other students. People just went to lectures then went home. I struggled financially trying to live on the student loan and I hated the course I thought I would love. I missed my family, had no one to support me and I was incredibly isolated. I eventually had a nervous breakdown and left at the end of the first year without taking any exams. I've nothing to show for the idiotic decision I made but 9K of debt and continuing mental health issues.

I dropped out of my uni after one term with what amounted to a nervous breakdown. I then went to a local uni and lived at home. It was fine, but just like an extension of being at school, which was due to me being at home. Made friends, but not lifelong ones. I do feel a bit sad whenever I hear about what a great time some people had.

I went travelling for 3 years in my early 20s...that to me was the equivalent to a uni experience - had lots of fun, made lifelong friends.

Same as many others, I went from a state school to a snobby university in the North in the 90s and was socially excluded. I'd also had an abusive childhood and wasn't emotionally prepared at all. Developed agoraphobia and OCD

Got by somehow and finally met a couple of nice people in my 3rd year.

The weird thing was that it didn't even make sense, I wasn't poor and in fact quite middle class in many ways. It was just so close-knit with people who'd all known each other previously from a handful of private schools.

I nearly swapped to Exeter after my 1st year and I'm sure I'd have been happier there.

Yes unfortunately two rather unpleasant girls had already formed a gang by the time I arrived - 2 days later - and decided to take against me.

So I was shy and could not make friends in my accmd except for one girl. Also I found myself yearning for the sophisticated clubs of London and could not get on in the student bar drinking cider - I had done that earlier...

Uni sucked. I started in 97. My first year was awful, I failed everything and wanted to drop out. My parents really wanted me to get a degree. I changed subjects and started again. I drank too much, fucked my mental health, got my heart broken, and ended up with a 2:2 in a useless subject that I've never used. The only "friend" I am still in touch with from uni is a boy who I had a really awful fucked up on off relationship with. I should block him really - he pops up on my social media from time to time and I'm 19 again desperate for him to like me.
I wish I had never gone to uni.

It's not the dream a lot of people think it's going to be. It's a bit of a taboo subject sadly. As a lecturer I'd see people who would come to me and say they couldn't cope, usually because the dream didn't meet the reality, more realistic expectations would help so many cope better. Especially in a department where there was a lot of work required.

It was taboo at the time I went, having parents who refused to pay their portion of the grant. I couldn't work and do my course so was forced to get a bank loan in order to get a student loan (unless you had full grant amount then you couldn't get a loan) which obviously I needed to use to pay back the bank. I did a year out, and learnt a lot. I got my degree but it was tough.

I had a cousin (farmers daughter) who got into Oxford to do law as part of their, at the time, attempt to show they were more accepting than they actually were, can't remember the schemes name but it was about being lower class. She had all As in o-level but was bullied horrifically. She ended her life because of it. Caused huge problems for them and the scheme. No one cared when she reported it, her parents, sister, me all told her to let it go and go elsewhere but it was her dream and she would claim it "wasn't that bad". To show how bad it was, one night her bed and belongings were set on fire..

Her sister years later chucked a brick through one of the windows in one of the colleges there and got arrested. She never got over the death of her sister or what happened to her, she never did o-levels and won't let her child go to uni because of what her sister went through.

Honest, I've never really thought much on this outside the deepest recesses of my brain. Just this thread and reading so many of us with bad experiences has really hit me.

I am starting to wonder just how common this might be. And whether unis today know this and are trying to address it? Or care?

I don't mean this in a condescending way but the whole 'scene' just wasn't me. By that point I'd sort of had enough of drinking and clubbing, I'd done enough of it in college.

I remember staying over in a mates hall room once and walking in on her and some random guy shagging. All I could think was get me home in my slippers with a cup of tea for the love of god, what am I doing here!

Obviously others have much better experiences of Oxford/Cambridge. I know others who went more recently who were judged for their backgrounds but nothing like what my cousin went through.

Didn’t like it at all. On reflection I was immature, probably depressed and looking to boost my self-esteem in all the wrong ways. Despite having excellent grades I was rejected by 5 out of 6 of my university choices which I think triggered a bit of a spiral. I got into masses of debt with idiotic spending. I lived my entire “social” life online. I basically was a massive twat for the first 18 months. I moved home half way through my second year which saved me from further decline. I only made a couple of friends, one of whom I quickly lost touch with. I underperformed in my course (relative to previous academic performance), just doing the bare minimum to get through. I had a great group of friends from school and just didn’t feel a need to seek out new friends which didn’t help. So to sum up, yeah, rubbish experience partly because of circumstances and partly because of me!

I loved Uni when I did my first degree (Law) at age 19. I lived in halls, met my now husband and had a great social life. I similarly enjoyed my Masters, though the workload was more tough and I lived with my parents.

I really did not enjoy my later life learning- nursing and midwifery. I had children then and had no social life to speak of. There was a lot of bullying, my MH declined and I didn't make a single long term friend.

I started on a 4 year degree at a Scottish university, hated it and then transferred at the end of my first year to the second year of a 3 year degree at a university near my parents home. This also meant I had one less year to complete although I missed out on the student experience living at home. I made up for it though with a masters in a different part of the country. I loved this University and the experience. It was amazing how different all three experiences were and all down to the social aspect rather than the course.

@TastyTicklemore

Honest, I've never really thought much on this outside the deepest recesses of my brain. Just this thread and reading so many of us with bad experiences has really hit me.

I am starting to wonder just how common this might be. And whether unis today know this and are trying to address it? Or care?

In my experience as a lecturer I'd say it's surprisingly common. I had several come to me with issues around uni life and those were the ones who felt able to speak to me - it's a major taboo. I've not taught for many years now, and only taught for a short time but I know others who are still in the department, expectations are too high.

Others may have more or less money than you do and at 18/19 who has the ability to cope with living eating gone off food in a hall where the others parents have paid for their rent/food/drinks/socialising leaving them with their grants to go off on holidays during the breaks for fun. Decades later that sounds pathetic, but I was that student living with eight others making fun of me for trying to make ends meet. I couldn't go back to my parents, I needed to find a b&b or hotel during the holidays. I couldn't afford clothes, none at all, not even from a charity shop. I got on with it but it was so hard being the butt of everyone's jokes. When my parents did turn up (looking for money, or because they wanted the prestige of being able to tell their mates they'd been to see their daughter at uni) it was for five minutes and all they did was slag everyone off (which meant they then turned on me not knowing it had nothing to do with me). My parents even tried to get me arrested for stealing from them to fund "my uni lifestyle".

My tutor didn't care. It was personal stuff not academic so not their problem.