Can't agree on wedding

[Fressia123]

We're having our wedding ceremony in October next year (we're getting legally married in April). We've trying to find some sort of compromise for almost the whole of last year, but even now we're still struggling.

I want a "grand wedding" in style not size i.e. classy venue and wear my lovely dress. The problem is the guests. His family comes to around 7 guests, mine to around 4 (they've never met and English is not their first language) and then there's my congregation of 14. He would invite his work mates and that's about it. I don't have any local friends I can't count on my coworkers to fill the gap.

He feels the whole wedding is going to be massively disjointed and he even now understands why an elopment who'd have made more sense (but he says he really can't exclude his DM).

He's also verybworried that nobody would show up to evening do and that we'll look like "losers".

The core party is too big for an "intimate" wedding, medium-size could be too big especially as we have no certainty of who would show up. He also has an issue with spending so much £££ for what will be fillers or people that simply might not show up. I've tried doing some research and by that he also feels excluded, but I genuinely don't see the problem with shortlisting. It also has to be fairly close to where we live to maximise number of guests. It's still a while to go and every time I try to feel excited new issues come up about organising it.

Could you do a private room in a nice restaurant? If you keep it to your two families that would be a manageable number.
You could wear your dress and the surroundings would be grand.

I don’t quite understand why you think it’s disjointed or where the gap is. What are you trying to fill? He has more family, you have more friends. It’s not that uneven.

There are no "grand restaurants" around and as it's a religious ceremony the room has to be of a certain size, because we need to fit a chuppah.

Also he thinks it's silly to have a religious ceremony without the congregation as nobody in the family is particularly religious (I am though!)

He has a point about spending a lot of money on guests that you only really want there to make up the numbers for an event. It’s worth spending money to host people important to you witnessing your wedding vows, it is not worth spending a lot of money on a reception party with filler guests.

I’d go for the small wedding with just your families, that way you can still have the lovely things you want, it will be appreciated by people that care about you, and you won’t spend between now and then worrying that people won’t come.

He feels it's disjointed as it's three very specific groups that just will bubble between them, our families would keep to themselves (the congregation would be more of a glue we both agree) but he find it a bit weird . I don't for the record. I've come to terms that I don't have anybody of our age to invite and I'm fine with that.

He find the families and the rabbi kind of odd (I agree). I know my family will hard speak to his and vice versa, but if it's a bigger event it won't be as obvious / awkward.

Does the religious ceremony happen in a religious building, or is the problem that you need to find a grand building to fit a chuppah in, that the small group of guests of both of your families and the congregation won't look too small in? Does the venue need to be licensed for the wedding ceremony or is the fact you would have a religious minister there sufficient? If it doesn't need to be licensed can you think outside the box a little for your grand building, and then get caterers in for a sit down meal, ie, national trust property, windmill, a beautifully decorated old barn

@muddledmidget it doesn't have to be licensed. Barns seem to be at least £5k and they include a gazillion rooms that we obviously don't need.

There might be others I'm sure, but I think if it happens locally he does want his work friends to attend and that limits things in terms of location.

To be honest it doesn't sound like the problem is you can't agree, it sounds like you can't make your fantasy a reality and you aren't working to solve it.

Why don't you work to find solutions? Go further afield? Consoder more than one location on the day?
Ie Do chuppah in a synagog, Wedding breakfast meal with family in nice restaurant. Congregation and work pals join in the evening.

We could go further afield, I'm happy to, my DP isn't. Unless we got all the way to his neck of the woods in East Anglia. We don't have a synagogue, the closest is in Bristol (we usually meet at a school).

Given that we need a venue for the ceremony itself, we think having two venues would be more expensive in the long run.

Problem is, tacos don't go everywhere and after more than a 10min ride they're prohibitively expensive, reason why whatever we choose has to have good transport links. And even then it's a bit of a problem, I found a lovely place 40 mins away with a rail station and he thinks it's too far away.

*taxis not tacos! what a funny typo

Chuppah can be as small as just an archway is or a pergola. And unless you are Orthodox , the rabbi can perform the ceremony anywhere? What about a hotel with a smallish conference type room and a meal in the restaurant afterwards? Or a restaurant with an outdoor space for thr ceremony?

We already have a chuppah (was given to us by friends) it's as big as a normal dining table. The wedding will be in late October which makes outside a bit difficult but I'm open (as long as said chuppah doesn't get wet!)

There's only a couple of hotel that would work (I found one but my DP says it's too far away and it's only a 25-30min drive). We both tend to find hotels souless. He got married in one before and didn't like it, but again we're open to find one. But it seems that distance is the biggest issue in that regard

He sounds like he’s being a bit of a pain. Are you going orthodox? If so that’s going to rule out venues with in house catering as the rabbi’s won’t do it. You could do outside and then a lovely restaurant or pub?

In terms of the chuppah, a Tallit on poles is lovely if you want something a bit smaller, looks lovely.

There's also the possibility of the tallit on poles. I inherited my late uncle's and it would be a great way for him to be "present".

We're Reform, but a Liberal rabbi is performing so being kosher / grounds is not a massive issue at all.

Oddly enough there aren't that many country / gastro pubs within the "acceptable distance". All the ones around us tend to be your usual chain ones with no charm and no outside space

That’s such a shame. Have you got a garden?

No, we have a very small patio. Originally I wanted it at home but decided against it as we don't fit.