Anyone dating someone who works shifts? Do you work shifts?!

[AlloThere]

NC as I have friends on here and don’t want it linked! Especially as I haven’t told anyone about this chap yet.

I met someone nice a few weeks ago. He works in intensive care but non covid (has dealt with covid in the past but this is a specific role with a specific icu base). I also work shifts in a hospital. Anyway...this is relevant as I think it has impacted how things have developed. He suggested forming a bubble after us talking for a couple of weeks so that we could meet and see how things went.

We’ve had five dates, three instigated by him and two by me. He’s been to mine 3 times and I’ve been to his twice. He offered to come over and we have been on long walks then dinner. We speak once a week usually, to fit in with his shift pattern. I don’t mind that, but there are some weeks that go by where he is doing shifts non stop and I can go days without hearing from him! It’s driving me a bit mad!

I’m not really a clingy person but (don’t flame me!!!) I have noticed he is online on WhatsApp quite a lot and even then days go by and I don’t hear. When we meet up it’s fine and he is focused on us and not on his phone or distracted.

I did mention it a few weeks in and he seemed surprised and just said there was nothing in it, he was just busy. The thing is I work shifts in a hospital (not his!) and I see doctors on their phones all the time, he obviously has breaks like we all do!!!. If I can manage to send a text mid shift or when working late then I don’t really see why he can’t.

It’s driving me a bit potty as we have really nice dates and then silence for a few days. This week I’ve not even bothered to text like I usually would and thought I would leave to him (he usually texts me back eventually after I text). But it’s now been 3 days and heard nothing.

Am I unusual messaging on shift?! Don’t we all do it?! Maybe he’s not as interested as I thought he was.

My partner and I both work shifts, very often opposite, but always find time for a quick text. Even if just a quick one after work etc before we lived together. Sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear, I think you're maybe right that he's not as interested

:( not what I wanted to hear at all!but had sortof guessed that. I see everyone texting away on their phones in the canteen queues and think he must have the time! And it’s not like he’s never on his phone. Another wasted dates!

I think if he’s online on WhatsApp a lot then he’s obviously got time to be on his phone. He’ll get a break as well at the hospital or even a quick text before/after work only takes a minute. Maybe he’s rubbish at texting but After years (and years!!!) of trying to make excuses for why someone hasn’t text/called I realised if wanted to speak to me then they would. It’s rubbish though especially when you have a really nice time together

I work shifts, I'm really bad in keeping in touch with people.

Usually when I remember to message people it's at 3am and I don't want to risk waking someone up at that time.

When I'm on my break I usually just aimlessly scroll on my phone.

But I always message my DH before he goes to bed.

Yeah it is! I liked this one too! Only started online dating for the first time ever last summer and was shocked by the sort of men on there! Thought this one was a good ‘un! Not sure whether to ask him again about it but then again what’s the point. I don’t want a relationship with weekly dates but no contact other than that!!

@carnations23 I’d be happy with that! Might have to throw this one back into the pond :(

I work shifts (nurse in a hospital). When im working ill reply to messages if its something that needs answering. I wont just have a general conversation - I dont have time for that. Ill reply as normal when im not working though

Theoretically he should get a break but he may not though. My fiancé and l both do shifts, we have had our fair share of 13-14 hours with no break, phones locked in our cars or in receptions. We have both worked at places where using your personal phone during a shift is a disciplinary offence. Shift work can be intense at times, so yeah he might tired and just want to zone out e.g. watch mindless dog videos etc. Whilst on break or when gets home

I’m a bit of a texter so will use breaks to message or between appointments. I don’t know maybe I’m expecting too much from him but I feel that going three days without speaking is a bit shit!

My Dh works shifts and we’re like ships that pass in the night, but after 20 years, I’m used to it! I get my space and he gets his, it’s quite cool. His colleagues that date find it hard to fit in dates.

@Cherrysoup it’s not like I want conversation everyday but just a goodnight message or have a good day in the morning...so I don’t feel out of sight out of mind! Perhaps he just doesn’t give a shit

I don’t know, I sometimes don’t get messages, he’s too busy, literally can’t get his phone out to text. Bit tricky when you’re manhandling a drunk etc. You need to tell him what your expectations are, in a nice way, but you don’t want to appear needy. It’s early days.

I think you need to relax a bit,especially that you have the experience of working in a hospital.
When I was working 12 hours shift I barely had time to go to the loo not to mention texting/calling.I probably had a quick peek to see if there was anything urgent but otherwise my phone was in a locker.
Same with WhatsApp,if he's got his data on,he will be visible but not necessarily active on it.Same here,people assuming I am on X Y &Z app as they see ''green dot'' when in fact I didn't touch my apps for ages.
Relax,it's not time yet to hire private detective.

You mentioned that you see all the other Drs on their phones....ime thats (largely) about work

IMO, you've had 5 dates. That's 5 dates! You are expecting way too much. By all means, knock it on the head bit if you really like him then I think it's premature.

Hmm maybe won’t throw in the towel yet then. It’s been 3 days though and no word. This is usual for him!

@toomuchfaster yeah I’m getting ahead of myself a bit aren’t I!! It’s the slowest moving relationship I’ve had so getting a bit impatient!

I guess in the back of my mind I’m thinking hmmm he can’t like me THAT much!

I wouldn't be happy to go several days without even a quick text. Nobody is THAT busy.

I agree with a pp about it being early into things. Personally I would see how it goes. There is also little to say sometimes at the moment due to lockdown. I would guess that you aren't yet at the "love" stage, so it feels nicer to take it easy and see what happens. Besides, you don't want forced texts, you want him to want to contact you, right?

My boyfriend (2y) works shifts and although we will squeeze in a message or two every day, sometimes he literally messages before he goes to sleep and that's it for the day. He used to message more when he had a different (more normal) shift pattern and primer to COVID, when we could tell each other any funny daily events, or whatever. I rarely instigate messages as I feel like it might be annoying/unwanted.

Is he quite an introverted person?

Although obviously, if you know this isn't your thing, not messaging... of course you're within your rights to end it! Depends whether it outweighs the good parts, really.

I meant PRIOR not PRIMER in my first post

Oh. I’m an ICU dr and never message anyone at work. It’d be very unusual for me to check my messages either. When I use my phone it’s usually to look something up or use one of the med calculator programmes.

We’re both shiftworkers and I think it only works if you’re really keen on each other because it takes a lot of coordination.

I’m not going to lie dating people who do shifts us annoying but it’s just the way it is. It got on my ex’s nerves! I don’t do many these days and my partner is giving up this summer when he switches to a new role. I can’t wait! Looking forward to getting our weekends back. We have done about 30 years of shifts between us, it someone else’s turn now