I feel so sad. I don’t like my son

[RomeoLikedCapuletGirls]

He’s just so mean to me. He is in sixth form and doing all his courses online. It’s an uphill struggle just to get him to do the minimum. It’s exhausting. People say just leave him to fail and he’ll learn but how can I ? His future depends on his studies and if he continues to fail he will never leave and be independent.

And then there’s the porn that I can see (due to his spectacular lack of technological skills) he’s watching. I know it’s normal blah blah blah but some of it is is so disturbing. Barely legal, they look like they’re in pain. How can he enjoy watching it?

I feel like I don’t like him very much. Is it normal to feel that way about your child?

This sounds very hard op. You are definitely not alone.

And don't worry, I think lots of teens go through quite an unlikeable selfish phase. And everything is especially difficult for them, and us,v at the moment. They usually come out the other side ok! There's no rule that says you have to like your son all of the time as long as he knows you love him deep down.

During low moments, it's very tempting to give up but I don't think we can. Despite the fact they never seem to listen or take any notice of what we are saying, I think they need us there to keep fighting for them, even if the "enemy" is themselves.

As far as study is concerned, are you in touch with the school? Can you form a team with them to try and keep your son on track? Tbh, though, motivation really has to come from within him, so you could try talking to him about what he wants to do with his life, maybe do some research in to unis/colleges/apprenticeships/careers? Some teens become more focused on their studies if they know they need certain grades to take a certain path.

Or if you have already tried that, take him on a drive, tell him you appreciate things are really hard right now but that he won't feel good about himself if he just gives up. Maybe tell him you aren't going to nag him any more, it's his life and try and get him to realise he is in charge of his future?

Finally, I'm not a prude but I just wouldn't tolerate any sort of violent porn. Your are his parent in charge of the house. I would be sitting down with him and having a good talk about why it is frankly wrong in every way and demeaning to women etc etc. I would be changing the wi-fi password (once I worked out how) and making him earn back his privileges (maybe with study assignments?) despite his age. Sorry but I wouldn't compromise on this.

Good luck . It's not a nice situation to be in, especially right now as you can't really reach out for moral support from friends. If you need a break from it all though, try and take a step back and focus on yourself for a bit, or else you can get drawn in to a very negative spiral that won't help you or your son.

For me the porn would be a complete no no. I’d be shocking him but showing some of the trafficking stories on the Internet, his increased risk of being impotent and it’s affects on relationships - fight the new drug is a good resource.
As for the studying, how old is he? At a certain point he has to take responsibility. It’s hard at the moment with Covid. Take him for a car drive and have a talk in the car. Ultimately he could leave home. And maybe it’s time to be clear about the consequences.
Even people with no qualifications can get shop jobs, labouring etc.
i think teen boys can be really awful to their Mums.

Can you not sort out the porn at your router? Ours is on super strict and you can't get anything remotely porn like in our house.

I think you need to chat to him about porn and the long term effects. Not to mention it being disrespectul and illegal in some cases and unrealistic. Violent porn would really concern me. You need to put restrictions on so he cannot access it.
As for the school work my sons the same and it's caused so much stress and rows. I've had to let it gonot because I don't care but because it's making homelife unbearable. It's not their fault or our fault, it's shit times and the government need to make allowances for this and support our young people with their education when they do finally return.

If they look like pain it's because they are in pain. OP, you've got to talk to him about this shit. Explain how many are under duress of some kind - make him think about how desperate they must be to do this.

Filters won’t work. They can just use a VPN.

Thank you for your replies. I don’t think he’s savvy enough to use a VPN. Sometimes I feel like the phone ruins everything but I can’t cut off the internet without saying why and if I let him know I know about the porn he will go absolutely mad.

He is doing well at college but only because I’m on his back all the time. Thankfully because of lockdown the teachers don’t see the enormous effort that goes on behind the scenes on my part to get him there.

And the backchat! Oh the fucking backchat. A simple request, repeatedly ignored, turns into a battle and “mum why are you yelling at me?”

It’s just so frustrating.

The mobile contract he's on...you can set that to ban "adult content" too. Likewise, as PP have said, do it with the home internet account. You don't even need to tell him and have a confrontation...he will just find sites are blocked. Bet that's a factor in his lack of respect for you. Sorry you're going through this.

Yeah, I remember the backchat. I would have run away with a backpack, if I could. Mines now in 30s, they do mature eventually. The porn stuff would worry me more. As others have said, restrictions on the router, best idea. Well done for keeping him motivated. Once they have the GCSE's and Sixth Form results, I am afraid their journey through life is down to them. Your job is done.

It's your home too OP, you wouldn't have a pervy lodger leering at violent porn would you?

Op it's great that he is doing so well at school, thanks to your help. You can very very gradually start handing the baton of responsibility over to him now and keep reminding him that it will be up to him when he goes on to college or university.

The back chat is very wearying indeed. I find it helpful to try and filter it out - the more he is rude - the less you "hear" him and respond to him. Be a bit selfish, harden your heart, and focus on your own stuff for a while (especially things that you enjoy) and start living for yourself a bit more. Act like you are too busy to dwell on him or his rudeness. I find that pretending to go a bit cold on them and ignoring them puts them on the back foot a bit. They soon come around when they want something from you and you may even be able to extract an apology.

if I let him know I know about the porn he will go absolutely mad
^ I must admit I am a bit shocked by this. So what if he goes mad? (Unless you are physically afraid of him of course which needs a different sort of intervention.) So what if he is angry? Why is it so important to spare his feelings when he is the one watching women being physically hurt for men's sexual pleasure? What about your feelings of anger?

Don't ask or beseech or justify or explain. Just tell him straight you are offended by having violent porn in your home and that you refuse to live with it. Why should you pretend you are not aware of it, when you are? Could his father have a word about it to back you up?

Good luck

Can someone tell me how you block porn at the router please? And does it work for YouTube stuff etc?

I didn’t want to go without at least leaving a word of sympathy or encouragement.

I hope you can find some real life support and backup to help you decide what to do and how, if it involves putting locks on or something.

It’s very hard when you discover someone is hiding a destructive habit.

🌼

The schoolwork - meh, it’s his problem if he fails and he will have to take the consequences. You can support but you can’t force him. Also doing him no favours. If he gets to uni on the strength of his a level results you won’t be there to push him, he will have to be self motivated.

Not sure what makes you think he could never be independent without a levels?

The porn on the other hand is vile and I wouldn’t stand for that. So what if he ‘goes mad’ - you’re the adult and can’t tiptoe around him like that.

They are two separate issues. The porn being the one that it's time to say NO to. What he chooses to do with his penis in the privacy of his own bedroom is his business. Viewing porn in your house is YOUR business and if you're not comfortable with it (and what parent would be?), you tell him it stops now.

I have a 14 year old and I took the opportunity last year to chat with him about this - opportunity presented himself as he'd had a talk about it at school and was telling me. I trotted out the ' what you do with your penis' line and that made him laugh and then I said ' just for future reference, there is no looking at this stuff online ok?' and he understands this. I don't go looking as such and I'd be more inclined to turn a bit of a blind eye of my son was the age of yours - but not if it was thrust in my face (so to speak) and not of it was the nature you describe.

So don't be afraid to pull the plug on that one

The school work? I'd give daily reminders and offer assistance with anything he wasn't clear on. I'd let the school know i was offering this support and ask them for ideas on how they felt best he could be supported, education wise. And once I'd done that? Not an awful lot left to do really is there? It ultimately has to come from him