Ideas for a meaningful memorial/new heirloom for a child to remember family members who have died

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

Our DS is 8 and we recently lost his oldest living relative. He didn't get to see her enough to get amazingly close to her, but he was very fond of her and has been touched by her death.

Whilst he's been very accepting of her dying (she was very old and very ill and we'd told him for a little while that she probably didn't have too long left), I know he'd still love it and find it helpful to have some kind of nice, positive focus nearby by which to stop now and then for a moment and remember her with a little smile (we don't live near enough to her grave to be able to go very frequently).

We were thinking of something that would be initiated as a result of her death, but which would be a lasting, ongoing little family memorial and place of occasional reflection for him, for when he eventually loses other older relatives (hopefully not for some time yet) - and also to mark milestone birthdays and anniversaries of other family members who would normally have been very close and meaningful to him, but whom he sadly never got a chance to meet and has only been able to see photos of and hear memories of them recounted by us, as they died relatively young, before he was born.

Our first thought was a fruit tree, which would obviously grow as he does. This is still the best idea we have so far, but there are two potential issues with this.

Firstly, we only have a small garden, so it would have to be a dwarf/compact tree, which would reach maturity in a few years and thus might not convey the image so well as a tree that would grow and grow and be massive by the time he is elderly himself.

Secondly, and I may be overthinking this, but if it becomes a kind of living heirloom, whilst it would never grow huge, it would end up far too large to ever move intact. The concern is that we wouldn't want to cause him extra grief or emotional distress in decades to come, if he gets to a point after we've gone when he wants/needs to sell this house - but feels great sadness and/or guilt in doing so because it would mean leaving 'the family memorial tree' behind. I suppose he could always take a large cutting, but I don't know if that would be quite the same. He's a sensitive sort who really thinks a lot about little details like this.

Does anybody have any suggestions as to whether we should go ahead and do it anyway, or of anything else we could arrange instead that could serve as a meaningful memorial focus - something that feels special, significant and properly enduring - but that could be taken with him if necessary between properties and he wouldn't feel forced to leave behind or get rid of against his will (unless he actively decided he wanted to let it go for any reason, which, whilst I think extremely unlikely, would of course be entirely up to him). Maybe something that we could get engraved even - or might that seem OTT?! We really want to give him something lovely that he will treasure, but not a future burden for him.

Any ideas - whether from the top of your head now or based on what your family has actually already done - greatly appreciated!

Sorry, you are experiencing grief and probably overthinking at the moment. Surely a photograph would be sufficient?

I think this is why people sponsor benches in special beauty spots TBH. Is there anywhere you visited as a family with the older relative that suggests itself?

I had a similar situation in that I was given a small tree by a relative shortly before he died (looking back I imagine he knew by then he was ill). It grew to such proportions over twenty years that it blocked light and threatened foundations and had to be taken down, which was distressing. My dad did point out that it couldn’t have been moved in a future house move anyway, but that just felt doubly upsetting. I’d avoid ever doing anything similar with any of my DC for these reasons. Sorry if that’s not the answer you wanted. It’s tough.

Maybe just a photo album.

Photos, and casual mentions in everyday conversation. My eldest 3 were 7, 6 and 5 when my dsis died. They did know her well, but were obviously young. However, they still sometimes mention something they did with her over a decade after her death.

Is there a small momento he can have and use?

My DF recently passed away and my DC (8 and 11) have his sweet tin in the corner of the kitchen, and plan to use it. My DB has my DGM’s sweet jar and still uses it, 20 years later.

Thanks very much, All - greatly appreciated.

We're not necessarily experiencing grief, though - more reflective sadness of what was and what might have been; and, I suppose, an appreciation of life and its passing. I'm thinking more of a kind of positive memento mori as such - fond memories of those who have gone through and completed their lives and a healthy reminder to appreciate where we've come from and to make the most of where we are now (and, for our DS, where he will be in his ongoing future).

Photos are certainly a special part of remembering individual people, but I'm thinking of something more neutral - to stand for everybody in the family who has left us and also, those of us who are still here. Not a great big imposing edifice or shrine - just an enduring memento, really, to glance at from time to time and think of happy family memories - past, present and future.

RickiTarr - No, on the contrary, that's exactly what I DO want to hear - thank you very much. It helps a lot to confirm my concerns. I think if you maybe were significant enough in your town/village/community that a mighty oak would be planted in the middle of a huge public space, it could be more appropriate - but the very nature of that makes it more general for everybody (most of whom wouldn't know and/or couldn't care less) rather than special for your own family. For those of us with ordinary houses, I think the questions of blocking out light, wrecking foundations and not being able to be moved when the family itself may well do so are very important considerations. On balance, you've been a great help in convincing me that my concerns were well-founded and I'm now pretty certain that a tree is not the thing to go for.

I like the idea of something like a bench - useful, reasonably substantial and moveable - although it would probably still be for the garden rather than a specific public space. Apart from having to seek permission for that, it places it in one set location which will never be able to represent somewhere special for everybody being reflected upon - who lived in and whose lives revolved around different areas. I think, location-wise, the home of the current 'guardian' of the object is the only single place that seems meaningful and appropriate.

I'm also wondering about a nice antique clock or something - although that's obviously taking over somebody else's former memories (which I'm not opposed to) - rather than beginning something new like a tree would have done, had it been appropriate. I don't know whether the whole 'theme' of passing time with a clock is poignant or possibly a little twee?!

Plenty of food for thought so far - thanks again, everybody.

I really feel you are over thinking this. It's all just far too much. We are gifted with memories and the ability to recall happy times with other people. It's our thoughts that keep people alive in our hearts, not things.

@Aquamarine1029 I disagree - my memory is terrible, I need physical objects and photos to spark recollections and prompt me to reflect. I can’t just recall memories on a whim. I completely understand why OP wants a specific object or place - they’re not looking to make a shrine, just to start a little tradition to help their family process feelings of sadness.

[quote Dyrne]@Aquamarine1029 I disagree - my memory is terrible, I need physical objects and photos to spark recollections and prompt me to reflect. I can’t just recall memories on a whim. I completely understand why OP wants a specific object or place - they’re not looking to make a shrine, just to start a little tradition to help their family process feelings of sadness.[/quote]
Good point. Some people need things and some people need memories. Grief and rememberance is personal. There are no rules.

We had a dwarf fruit tree. All the pets were buried under it and it sort of evolved into a contemplative place. It's at the bottom of the garden so roots wouldn't interfere with any structures. Parents still live there and have no intention to move, they recently discussed it and siblings all agreed, the tree would have to stay put because it was a place of rest and ripping it up would disturb the rest and the peace. It bears fruit every other year still.

Are you a big consumer of stuff?

Why not just a nice place to visit, like a wood etc

My aunt bought my parents a tree to remember my sister - it was some kind of green initiative In Wales, to allow new woods to grow. My parents kind of forgot about it until a couple of years ago, but a decade after my sister’s death they visited the wood, now growing well. When lockdown eventually ends, they will visit again.

Is something like this an option, OP?

I think Dyrne has summed it up very well. I see what some of you are saying, but it really isn't borne of a desire to gather stuff - just something small, symbolic and meaningful. Our DS is an only child and very likely to remain so, so I'm thinking ahead to the time when we won't be here to share memories with him any more; and yet, the memories that we and other family members did share with him will maybe be triggered whenever he sees the special object. Not that that would be the only reason or means by which he would remember, but just a focal point that's there in its own normal spot.

I love photo albums as much as anybody, but how often do you get them down from the shelf and take the time to look through them all? I think that, sometimes, just a quick glance at something that's been a constant in your life and has an understood significance might often be enough - but then, from time to time, it will make you want to go and revisit the photo albums.

Lots of families have heirlooms - obviously some more valuable and some just sentimental - so I don't think we're original in considering this. Others may know/think of one, but I can't really see a reason why they do that, and pass them down through the generations, if there isn't the desire that the object will hold a special place and serve as a reminder of the previous generations who were the guardians of it in their time, but then passed it down the line.

I do like the idea of trees in memorial woodlands, but again (COVID notwithstanding), it's something that your fallible memory has to remind you to go and do rather than a tangible reminder being right there where you are, all of the time. I wonder if it comes to represent the memory in itself rather than prompting it, if that makes any sense.

Could you mark the anniversary of her death each year in some way? Even something that may seem simple such as having her favourite meal or one she enjoyed cooking?

What about a Christmas Decoration? It comes out once a year, it serves as a moment of contemplation but is in amongst the festivities and excitement so isn't mournful. It fits in well with the circle of life/ New Starts reflection when it is taken down at the end of Christmas/ New Year.

I would be weary of putting your need to continually remember the relative onto him. In my experience children forget and move on very quickly and in some ways that is healthy for them. Constantly saying why don't you sit on Great Aunt's bench might be relevant for you but he will probably never treat it with the reverance that you do.

We have black and white photos of family who have passed and family still here, along with black and white photos of areas that have been important to us through our lives (some are also historic photos of the village we live in now) on the wall of our stairs.

We received £5000 when similar happened in our family, which obviously helped this plan, but we bought our children life membership of the national trust. They know that it’s a special great grandma present they’ll have for the rest of their lives.

I think National Trust life membership is a brilliant idea.

Could you not plant a tree in the local cemetery.
My dh grandad has a tree and his dps have a plaque all in the same cemetery.
We don't live near there now but we always took the dc to visit when they were younger.
Its also good for dc to see all of the headstones and different memorials.
To know that people aren't forgotten when they die.

I don't like the idea of a child being weighed down with a responsibility towards memorials. If you would like it for yourself, then do it for yourself but don't heap potential guilt on the child. Every child knows we carry love in our hearts and it goes with us wherever we go.

Don't create anything that could break or be lost, or that has to be carried around wherever he goes. Don't make a permanently situated memorial unless you are happy to tell him he never has to go to it if he doesn't want to.

I wouldn't tie him to dates either, such as birthdays or the anniversary of someone's death. We can all acknowledge a memory of a special date if it happens to occur to us but also it's ok not to. It's ok to let go.

My lovely dad passed away in February last year and when locks wn is over, we are considering getting memory bears made out of some of dad's favourite clothes.

A lovely gift edition hardcover book with a picture of the person and an In Memory of stuck on one of the front pages.

The Christmas decoration idea is a nice one. What about a nice box which can become a memory treasure chest with little items or pictures, quotes from family members which can grow over the years.

Some more lovely ideas, here - thank you all.

Could you mark the anniversary of her death each year in some way? Even something that may seem simple such as having her favourite meal or one she enjoyed cooking?

Oh, yes, absolutely: we already try to do something special and take a while to remember people on their significant anniversaries (possibly more so their birthdays, but we don't let their 'death days' go unforgotten). I know a lot of people seem not to care about anniversaries as much - it seems common on MN that couples don't bother to remember or mark their own wedding anniversaries, let alone those of their parents or adult children, and it always makes me think we must be the weird ones for seeing them as important

I don't like the idea of a child being weighed down with a responsibility towards memorials. If you would like it for yourself, then do it for yourself but don't heap potential guilt on the child. Every child knows we carry love in our hearts and it goes with us wherever we go.

Don't create anything that could break or be lost, or that has to be carried around wherever he goes. Don't make a permanently situated memorial unless you are happy to tell him he never has to go to it if he doesn't want to.

I wouldn't tie him to dates either, such as birthdays or the anniversary of someone's death. We can all acknowledge a memory of a special date if it happens to occur to us but also it's ok not to. It's ok to let go.

That's a large part of my trying to consider it carefully and starting this thread. We absolutely don't want to burden or give him any feelings of guilt, but he has actually asked for something nice to remember her by. In fact, that's part of the thinking of having one single item to serve for all of the loved ones we've lost (and those thankfully still with us) - precisely to avoid him ending up with a massive great bulging suitcase that he's told he must never part with (or carry with him everywhere he goes!). Maybe a very small token for an individual (a piece of jewellery and, of course, photos), but what we definitely don't want is to wind up (no pun intended) with a long-case grandfather clock for every one of 13 relatives!

I wouldn't want to tie him to feeling he has to observe specific dates in perpetuity - that too can eventually become like a calendar equivalent of the abovementioned suitcase, ending up with at least one date every week or so that's pertinent in some way to somebody's life - which can actually detracting from the special-ness of it.

That said, he's naturally massively interested in dates and anniversaries already (always looking on Wikipedia and telling us when something began or how long it's been going!).