I ruined my education because I loved my Teacher

[LethbridgeStewart]

I was madly in love with one of my teachers for years. I was convinced that one day we'd be together. It was all I could think about. I did very well in his subject in my GCSE year. I would regularly only attend school on the days he was teaching me.

Then in my A Level Years, I had a a different teacher, who I didn't particularly like. I don't think she liked me either. Later on, I found out she was actually seeing the teacher I loved and expecting a child with him too. I was broken hearted. Already, not enjoying School and the subject now he wasn't teaching me.

I stopped going to lessons, and eventually stopped going to school. I was miserable. I also had mental health problems that I don't think anyone quite realised at the time. It was only last year that I finally got help with my mental health.

I dropped out before completing my A Levels as I was suffering some kind of breakdown and received no support from those around me.

My Parent got me a job and then took three quarters of my income to make up for the loss of benefits now I was working.

It has only been this past years since I've been on medication and receiving therapy that I realised all of this.

I still actually think of him often. I dream about him a lot.

I don't suppose it was all down to my feelings for the teacher, but that was definitely a factor as well as my mental health.

I wonder always how different my life would have been if I hadn't had those feelings and if I'd been able to have had the medication I have now back then, how different things would be for me now.

I wonder if your feelings for him were transference displaced from other key figures in your life or not feeling well enough cared for and creating it in your mind? Or did he encourage it or groom you in any way? I am sorry it had such an impact on you.

I was convinced at the time he felt the same way but I couldn't give any examples of anything to suggest this was case.

I suppose I got the impression back then that he almost went out of his way to ignore and avoid me. I used to convince myself that he'd ignore me, never speak to me, never call on me in class, etc. And I used to think it was because he was trying to pretend he didn't have any feelings for me. He never did that to anyone else. But on reflection it was probably because I was pretty self sufficient, getting the highest grades in the class so he probably didn't need to focus any attention on me. Or it was because although I thought I was discrete, it was probably bloody obvious how I felt so he was probably trying to keep a distance because of that.

He would avoid looking at me but then I convinced myself that I'd catch him looking when he thought no one was watching.

He once called me his guinea pig because our year were taking this particular subject a year early at GCSE and I think he thought I would do the best in his class.

And thank you, it really has had such a massive impact on me.

And there may have been some transference, I don't know.

Your parent taking three quarters of your income sounds quite tough, were they hard on you for dropping your exams?

Brains and emotions are very confusing, it sounds like you were really fixated on him at an unhappy time.

Yes, three quarters. No, they were glad I think, that I didn't continue with my education. I wanted originally to go away to Uni but they didn't want me to move out and kept saying it wasn't affordable, etc. They wanted to keep me at home forever I think.

And I loved him for years. About six years whilst I was at School and even afterwards for a long time, perhaps even now there's something still there.

Have you had crushes on other people since? Have you managed to form "normal" attachments since?

When I dropped out of school and started working I met a man there, at work and we've been together ever since. My only relationship. We have a child together too but if I'm being truly honest, I never felt for my other half, what I felt for my teacher. I care for him deeply, of course but, I don't know how to explain, it's just not the same as my feelings for the teacher.

And I've never had a "crush" on anyone I've ever known in real life other than my teacher. A few famous people though.

That just sounds awful

The attachments we form as infants with our caregivers are very influential on our future attachments. Are you getting some therapy to unpick this OP? If you want to look beyond him. What would you have wanted from life do you think?

No, I'm not. I don't talk to anyone about this.

What I would have wanted from life is now a moot point. I have no worthy qualifications, poor mental health, patchy employment history and a young child to look after.

Oh OP, you poor thing. Look up limerence. I had it for my last three years at school (not for a teacher) and I STILL dream about him sometimes even though it was 25 years ago. It was horrible, I couldn’t focus on anything important, I’d just spend all my time obsessing and reading things into his behaviour. I hope you get some closure.

Thanks

How do I get this deleted

Sounds like limerence OP. I had it about someone I met at university. I was bloody obsessed with him and it was awful. I compared every man I met to him for years and years. In retrospect, I really wish I had sought therapy. I clearly needed it! Perhaps that would be helpful for you OP? It sounds like you have a lot to unpick.

Just click on the three little dots and click report. Explain why you want it deleted. Hope you are doing OK.

Limerence

Can limerence last this long?