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Original poster

My friend lied and changed my life

170 replies

Lovelifeinterruptus · 30/01/2021 15:00

This is long, sorry! NC as it's all a bit personal and embarrassing and could potentially be outing if anyone recognises themselves

Back in the early 90s' I was in my early 20's and was madly in love with my boyfriend 'Gary'. He wasn't perfect at first, he went to ibiza with 'the lads' a few weeks after we met and admitted to some infidelity. I wasn't perfect either and had some drunken snogs in those early weeks.

Anyway. It was an amazing time as our relationship deepened that I remember fondly. We had so much fun together. We were both into trailing around museums and art galleries and had a love of history. It was a very lustful relationship, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I'd never had feelings like that before and was absolutely head over heels.

I had a good friend. 'Hayley'. A while after I met Gary she went through a bad break up after her bf, who she was living with, cheated on her. We found her a new place to live and she started to feel better and had a couple of boyfriends on the rebound. Gary, Hayley and I often spent time together and there were lots of times when we set her up with blind dates or we went out as a foursome with one of her boyfriends.

One weekend, almost a year in to my relationship with Gary, Hayley and I planned a Saturday night in at my place and she was to stay over as usual. We always slept in the same bed when she stayed over. During the evening Gary turned up. I can't remember why. I think he had been let down by a friend. Anyway, I made it clear it was a girls night in but he stayed and joined in with our evening. Hayley and I went to bed in my bed as planned and Gary took the sofa. Sometime during the night Gary slipped into bed beside me, so I was in the middle. No funny business, we just slept. In the morning we all woke and were chatting. It didn't seem odd that we were in the same bed, we had all had odd living arrangements and it wasn't uncommon to wake up in odd situations. I went to the kitchen and could hear them chatting. Everything was fine.

A week or so later Hayley dropped the bombshell that Gary had tried it on with her while they were in the bed together after I had got up. I was devastated. I confronted him and he denied it but maybe because of the ibiza incident and because I trusted Hayley implicitly, I broke up with him. He continued to try and explain that he had done nothing wrong. I still have the big bundle of pleading letters that he sent somewhere!

It broke my heart and it was a dark time but with Hayley's support I eventually moved on. The following year I met dh and we are still together happily.

Gary and I connected via FB about 10 years ago. We're both happily married with dc and now live in different countries. Looking at his photos I didn't really feel anything. It was just nice to be in touch. We sent a couple of messages back and forth, we didn't mention our relationship or break up, it was just a brief catch up and 'nice to be in touch' type thing. We don't really communicate at all now. I will occasionally 'like' his photos of his family and vice versa.

Hayley moved abroad not long after I married dh. We kept in touch via letters and the odd phone call. She returned for a mutual friend's wedding and a couple of other times so we saw each other 3/4 times over about 20 years. Then the communication sort of fizzled out.

Very recently she sent me a friend request on FB. It was so lovely to hear from her and we sent long messages to each other over the course of a couple of days and discussed meeting up once lockdown is over as we now live in the same country. Then I mentioned Gary. I said I'd messaged him once or twice a long time ago and gave her a brief update on what he was doing. She then messaged and told me that she lied about Gary. She thought he would end up cheating on me and didn't want to see me hurt so she made it up so I would break up with him... along with a laughing emoji.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. It was such a long time ago but I still remember my heart breaking as Hayley told me Gary had tried it on with her in my bed, and the subsequent months of bleakness as I slowly got over him. She didn't want to see me hurt but she did the worst thing that could hurt me?

I don't know what to say to her. My gut feeling is to delete and block and forget she ever existed but I also want to let rip about the hurt she caused.

I don't know what to do about Gary. Do I mention that Hayley told me she was lying? Should I apologise for not believing him or just let it go?

And of course I've now got the 'What ifs' going through my mind. I don't know if Gary and I were destined to be together forever, but we certainly weren't anywhere near the point of breaking up when we did. It's a bit of a head fuck to be honest! It was 30 years ago but it's brought it all the heartache back! Lockdown and having fuck all to take.my kind off it isn't helping either .

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovelifeinterruptus · 30/01/2021 16:14

I wish she'd never told me tbh. It was a nasty thing to do and even nastier to keep the truth from me for so long

I agree with those saying let it go. It's silly to be agonising over all this 30 years on. I have zero feelings for Gary other than nostalgic ones. I'm really not convinced he's bothered about what happened anyway and he might think I'm a bit crazy and want to start something if I bring it all up now. We're very far removed from the people we were back then. He's a grandad and I'm patiently waiting to be a grandma

I have put Hayley on 'restricted' on FB for now. She can't see my content but I feel like I need to keep an eye on her.

OP posts:

OVienna · 30/01/2021 16:15

I'd do this too: "I recently got back in touch with Hayley, and she told me that she lied all those years ago. I know it's all in the long past, now, but I just wanted to apologise for not believing you back then."

islockdownoveryet · 30/01/2021 16:16

I think I’d tell him and also tell her how much it hurt . The laughing emoji would piss me off too . she must feel some guilt to tell you .
But it is what it is and in all honesty people do lie but I hate liars . I would absolutely hate to be accused of something that I hadn’t done . She lied because she felt threatened by your relationship not because she was worried about him hurting you so she’s still lying to you .
Block her and move on

Dickorydockwhatthe · 30/01/2021 16:18

Sounds like she was jealous more then anything, nothing to do with you getting hurt.

WhatWouldZenoDo · 30/01/2021 16:19

I remember what happened 30 years ago. The police were questioning a woman who murdered the girlfriend of a man she had a crush on 30 years earlier and she'd not only got away with it but was working as a police in the USA. The interviewers were asking her a lot of yes / no questions. Have you been to that house? Did you already know where she lived or did you have to ask somebody. The whole ''I don't remember, it was thirty years ago'' was not washing well with the interviewers. I thik her name was stephanie lazarus if anybody knows the case.

frostymornings · 30/01/2021 16:20

I think it might make Gary feel better if you tell him what Hayley has said. Then you can all forget it and move on.

WhatWouldZenoDo · 30/01/2021 16:20

@OVienna

But what if what if, she's lying NOW? What if it's your current relationship she wants to jeopardise??

BooBahBoo · 30/01/2021 16:22

Let rip. Block. Delete. Forget the little rat ever existed.

Sure, he might have cheated on you. He might not have. Either way, it wasn’t for her to meddle and lie. She hijacked part of your life and it’s natural to feel upset and betrayed. I would feel the same.

I wouldn’t tell Gary purely because it will open a huge can of worms. I’ve had situations when I was in my teens/early twenties like that. I opened the can of worms. It didn’t end well at all (well it did in the long run because I broke up with shitty bf because of it), but it caused a lot of hurt and upset at the time. You’re married now whereas I was just with a shitty guy. Don’t open the can of worms!

Hope you feel okay soon. What a horrid thing for someone to do.

Fuckityfucksake · 30/01/2021 16:26

Ooh what a bitch!
Yes I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her and then explain I didn't want to be in contact with a spiteful jealous bitch, then block.
As for Gary, I would feel awful now so probably would bring it up and apologise next time you message. I wouldn't purposely message him just for that but would drop it in at the next opportunity in a
"Guess what I've just found out?
I owe you an apology. I'm sorry for not believing you at the time but hey, they say everything happens for a reason and we'd not be where we are now. I'm happy, you're happy. So no hard feelings hopefully" way.

OVienna · 30/01/2021 16:26

@WhatWouldZenoDo I doubt it. They've only recently got back in touch. I think she's had quite a lot of time on her hands in lockdown and did it on impulse and to assuage an old bit of guilt she felt.

Spottysausagedogs · 30/01/2021 16:28

As for Hayley...... she was young and made a stupid mistake. You need to take a view as to whether she she is more mature now

Sorry I don't agree with this! She sounds horribly manipulative and sociopathic.

She lied because she felt threatened by your relationship not because she was worried about him hurting you so she’s still lying to you

Still lying to you and being really quite horrible. If she really were feeling guilt and making a reasonable confession, she would not have said it in such a callous fashion with a laughing emoji. She would have apologised and been sincere.
OP, please be careful and question this woman's motives. I would be tempted to tell 'Gary' what she said from the point of view that she may try to manipulate him too, it may not matter to you what he thinks of you but you can't underestimate what damage a sociopath can do to your reputation in the wider sense. Yes, screenshot and block her, but I would consider sending that screenshot to him, with a full explanation of course.

nuitdesetoiles · 30/01/2021 16:28

Agree to tell your DH, then you've got an ally and support if she keeps popping up with any other dodgy stuff. Best to keep everything as honest and open as possible. She sounds like total trouble and she's all about her.. no thoughts or feelings for you at all!

Jeremyironseverything · 30/01/2021 16:28

I'd let rip at her. Then enjoy the nostalgia and realise that you could be a lot unhappier now, so it wasn't a bad thing as it turned out.

EnolanotAlone · 30/01/2021 16:29

I feel so terribly for you OP, what a horrid betrayal by your bff -

For your own closure
-tell her that was not her life decision for her to make, and block;

apologise to your old boy friend for your past hasty decisions, and enjoy the best from new lives. Start a new chapter with your own established new lives.

corythatwas · 30/01/2021 16:29

Gary doesn't seem like a huge loss either, slipping into a bed where another woman is sleeping sounds ewww to me- and I was young 30 years ago when boundaries were far less clearly established.

CoraPirbright · 30/01/2021 16:30

I agree with Honeyroar. Let rip - tell her that she is an absolute bitch and you are disgusted with her behaviour. No absolution from you so that she feels good about herself - why should she? And contact Gary to apologise - at the very least, you get to feel a bit better about the situ.

1forAll74 · 30/01/2021 16:32

I can't believe you are worrying, and mulling about all this, from 30 years ago. It's all so pointless now. I would just suggest that many young people , said, and did things in their youth, and didn't always speak the truth about everything. It would be quite foolish to write someone off,for some misdemeanour from many years ago.

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 16:36

I'm surprised that quite a few PPs haven't spotted this, but I think Gary might already know nothing happened between himself and Hayley.
Bringing it up would only drag up the past, it wouldn't enlighten him about anything at all because he already knows he didn't do it. He's him!
She doesn't sound very remorseful though, more like she thinks it's funny. But if you were willing to forgive him for potentially cheating and have a friendship all these years later, are you willing to forgive her for lying, given that it happened at the same time?

GreenlandTheMovie · 30/01/2021 16:36

Let rip with Hayley then immediately delete her so she cant reply. She is a liar who doesn't deserve anything better. Take a screenshot before you block her.

And do tell Gary - the poor guy has been branded a liar most of his life when he did nothing wrong. I don't understand all this "you're happily married now" stuff - its not as if your life ceases to exist except within your marriage, you are still a person, Gary is still a person and he deserves to be forgiven. It doesn't mean he is going to turn up on your doorstep ready to ravish you, a la Barbara Cartland.

The initial bit of infidelity at the start of your relationship when you are were both very young - many, many relationships start like that.

Suzi888 · 30/01/2021 16:42

What a spiteful cow! It wasn’t her decision to make. You can’t play God with other people’s lives. Wonder how many other situations and people she has manipulated.

I’d have to vent and would absolutely tell ‘Gary’.

SummerBlondey · 30/01/2021 16:42

"You fucking bitch. You lied to my face, ruined my relationship and broke my heart, and watched on as it all unfolded. I cannot fathom how you could do something so cruel, and now message me about it with a laughing emoji, as if my heartbreak back then was just a laugh for you. Never ever contact me again you psycho"

Flapjak · 30/01/2021 16:42

Its 30 years ago, really awful thing to do at the time , but i would just let it go if you have had a good relationship since then. I would wonder why she chose to tell you now though?

BeautifulStar · 30/01/2021 16:46

If you are happy with your dh and don’t hanker after Gary, which it doesn’t sound like you do - I would think she maybe did you a favour. If she hadn’t lied you might not have met your DH and you wouldn’t have your dc’s!
I’d still not speak to her again though- it was a pretty shit thing to do.

Gubanc · 30/01/2021 16:47

The fact she'd done it is one thing. You were all young and not yet too mature.

But the laughing emojis would do it for me, to me that's more telling about her personality today.

diddl · 30/01/2021 16:47

@Clawdy

Have to say, that three-in-a-bed bit sounds odd to me, sorry.

Yup!

I'd have dumped him for that!

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