Supporting mum to leave dad, but worried for her.

[littlepieces]

Over the past 10-15 years my dad (recently retired) has got progressively more angry, self centred and abusive, with my mum getting the full brunt of it, especially during lockdown. He's got a lovely house, will be financially comfortable for the rest of his life, has a brilliant, kind, intelligent wife and pretty much everything he wanted. Yet he's livid with everyone and everything 24/7, and does absolutely nothing except watch TV and sit on Facebook. He's got next to no friends now either because of his behaviour, but he doesn't seem to see this.

He's 100% got a mental health issue - have tried talking to him many times over the years, he refuses seeing a therapist and doesn't listen to me because frankly he doesn't really like me, and sees me as a know-it-all (I'm a lawyer and he's resentful about that, but that's another story).

Mum's parents both just died of Covid within a couple of months of each other, we're devastated. My dad's reaction? Fury. It's all a big inconvenience. He's making my mum's life a misery, being really nasty, not a shred of support or sympathy, hasn't offered to lift a finger to help her at all. I'm trying to support her to leave him soon, but my mum has no money of her own. I'm stuck in a small flatshare in London until October, so unfortunately she can't move in with me.

Any advice? And yes I know my mum needs to take responsibility for herself etc. but she wasn't well last year and had a big surgery, coupled with her parents' traumatic deaths and an abusive partner. She suffers from panic attacks and she's very fragile. Just don't know what to do and what support might be out there for her?

How very hard for your mum. I guess you don't have a sibling who could have her to stay/ make a bubble with her? If your parents are divorcing, your mum will be entitled to half the family money, no? Has she consulted a solicitor?

How horrible for her, so much to cope with. Did your grandparents have a property she could stay in if she feels strong enough to do that, will there be any money for her. Has she looked at what benefits she can claim, has she spoken to her g.p and maybe womens aid can offer support. Can you pay for her to move into a studio for a while to give her some headspace. How old is she, does she work.

If she is suffering domestic violence then a dv charity can help her

How horrible, but well done for being there for your mum. I would suggest that you or she or both should contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247 - as a first step. If she literally has no money and no access to money (eg a credit card in her one name which would be used short term for deposit for a place to stay, for eg, possibly for both of you if that’s easier) that feels very like financial abuse at minimum. Do you have colleagues or friends with a family law background? They would be best placed to help in terms of what then needs to happen by way of court orders, money and so on. She will be entitled to a ‘fair share’ of their joint assets which include the house and your father’s pension, assuming they were married for most of the time he was earning it. But it what she needs immediately is money to get away and stay somewhere else while this is sorted out, and he would refuse to give her access to their shared money - because it is all shared and jointly owned, regardless of how she has been conditioned to think of it as his and her contribution as worthless - then I think the helpline would be the place to start.
Good luck and stay safe. Life will be better for her on the other side

Getting a divorce sorted isn't a problem - it's just the hassle would be unbearable for her right now. She'd need to leave immediately, find somewhere to live and a job etc. before divorce settlement is made - and my dad won't make it quick or easy. She was going to leave him about 10 years ago but he drove off with a bottle of whiskey and a rope and threatened to kill himself. There was a whole drama around that for months. My dad would be left with nobody, and I think there's also an element of guilt from my mum that she's leaving him alone and she feels bad.

Has your mum asked you to help her leave?

How old is your mum ? If under pension age then she would be able to claim help with somewhere to rent ( Universal credit ) whilst the process of the house being sold and assets divided is taking place.

She's 60. I think she thinks she's kind of past it and what would she do alone now at 60? Especially with lockdown. She's extremely clinically vulnerable due to illness last year, so is essentially housebound at the moment.

She hasn't asked me for help, just for advice. She doesnt want to burden me I don't think but it very much bothers me, to the point where I can't sleep at night because I'm worried about how unhappy she must be.

She is still young, she sounds depressed. She should contact citizens advice to see what benefits she can claim, she doesnt need to be dependent on him. Has she spoken to her g.p.