Anyone else not recognise themselves? Covid and kids

[TwirpingBird]

At 22 I was working and travelling asia alone, I then went on to get a masters degree from a very prestigious university, being the first person in my extended family to finish university. I got a solid career that I was very good at, I had friends, a social life, hobbies, confidence, I looked after myself. There was no challenge I didnt rise to. I was proud of myself.

Now I am turning 30 next month. I caught a look at myself in the mirror this morning and didnt recognise myself. I have gained 2 dress sizes from having kids and my clothes dont fit. Most days I forget to drink, but I have been trying to diet. My career is dead in a ditch because I can only afford to work part time and I have no family support so I cant even attend a meeting or take on extra stuff to progress because my childcare only goes to 4:30. My family live abroad so I never see them. My DH works in vulnerable peoples homes, so I am so nervous of getting covid and him killing people that I dont go anywhere. I had a panic in co op last week because someone coughed without a mask on. I worried all week about it. I dont see any friends, the only place i go is the playground. I just look after kids . I know its important but I saw the reaction to the governments CV advert. Women were so 'offended' because 'we can do more than just look after kids'. I dont do anything else. I dont achieve anything. I spend my days changing nappies, coping with my DDs tantrums, and counting down til DH is home.

I am a scruffy, nervous, lonely, tired, bored, unambitious, emotional wreck. Most days I cry. 22 year old me would be shocked at what I have become. I have no confidence, no identity other then 'mummy'. Covid has also shattered any optimism I did have. I spend my days surviving.

I dont know what I want from this thread really. Maybe someone to say they feel the same, or they did and it got better, or after 20 years it was worth losing who you are for your kids.

I think with Covid everyone needs to just try and get through it as best they can...things will get better and you'll get your career back if you want to. You are only 30, it's just a blip

I hear you.

I didn't notice that I had become something I didn't want to be until rather older than you, so my first words to you are 'well done' you're way ahead just be realising you want to be different, and by doing so when there is still so much ahead of you

Don't worry about career for now - you're well educated and capable, and you can relaunch after covid. So many people are 'on hold' for a while, which can feel a bit shit, but might not do so if you can think of it differently as a deliberate pause, not a reflection in your long-term value

Seriously consider going to your GP - I didn't and with hindsight I wish I had. I'm not sure if it was depression or anxiety, but I couldn't 'see' the effect until I was climbing out of it. And that was the slower route.

Otherwise, baby steps towards things you want to see in your life.

i did it by losing weight - join a chat thread in 'weight loss chat' friendly support really helps. I'm still a scruff bag, but at least I'm one in new clothes that I feel terrific in (after years of only buying what would fit and maybe disguise me) and by taking up running. I've posted at huge (and probably quite boring) length about this, and will add more on this thread only if you want me to.

If that's too daunting - can you at least get out by yourself for a 20 min or so walk when your DH comes in? I know it sounds a bit glib, but getting outdoors, just for yourself, in natural light and preferably somewhere green, is surprisingly helpful

If you're children are still in nappies they must still be very little. Life will come at you again once they get a little bit more independent and you will see the old YOU re-emerge.

I agree we all fee similar once kids arrive. At least you have a part time job whilst they are young which will help your career longer term.

You need an exit plan for when this is over and the kids start school. This maybe harder due to businesses going bump, but they still need staff!

Think about what you need to feel normal, if that’s changing your hair or diet, buying new clothes or learning a new skill.

Take something for yourself!!

Make sure you have a break from the kids and use it to your advantage - a bath or read the paper (the paper was my go to, made me feel I had more to talk about than just kids).

It really is short term.

I also completely and utterly empathise and sympathise. It’s shit. My work circumstances are different (can’t work at all at the moment) but similarly disastrous if we were to pass COVID to DH so also made the decision to effectively shield. I’m also a similar age and made the mistake of weighing myself the other day and for the first time in my life I am officially ‘overweight’.

I don’t know what the answer is to be honest. I’ve lost all drive and motivation but until circumstances change it’s going to be very difficult to put in the necessary work on myself to get it back,

Interested to see other responses.

I feel you. My dd is 3 and I'm only just reclaiming some parts of myself. I am fat now. I do get sad about it. I am trying to do something about it but it's not the same as when I was 21!

I went back to work, part time. It feels amazing. It is by no means a 'career' or a high flying job, in fact it is pretty basic. But it gives me independence, space, and hot tea. People actually tell me I'm doing a good job at work. I pick work clothes out happily because nobody will get food or sick on them!

I also have no family support. Dh is working from home now but is upstairs until nearly bedtime so I'm basically alone with it all.

It won't always be like this. I try to pick little things that make me happy to do. Hot tea. Puzzles in the evenings. Reading books while she's engrossed in something, or in the evening. I can shower and do my hair more regularly which I couldn't when she was tiny.

Ye they are very young, 2 years old and 3 months.

It's like I know it's a blip, a short space of time, but I didnt get back on track when my first DD was born. I keep looking back on pics and seeing a frumpy mess. I girl ran past me while I was huffing and puffing pushing the double keep buggy up a hill last week. She was slim, makeup on, hair lovely, nice clothes so I imagine career girl, and about 2 years younger than me. I had jeans a size too small, covered in baby sick, a rubbish raincoat on, muddy runners from all the muddy playgrounds, i needed to pee but had forgotten to go in the madness of getting the kids into the buggy, and i just felt .... rubbish. I feel like covid has made me nervous of everything, I feel guilty about everything (kids, work, house, ignoring DH), I feel like I spent my life savings and more getting educated to just be a mum for 6 years til my baby goes to school. Every weekend I just crash into misery and DH (who is an angel) picks the pieces up. Everyone just keeps saying "keep going" but my stamina supplies are running low.

As your youngest is only 3 months, please talk to your HV about PND

I had PND quite badly with my first baby. It bordered on psychosis. I did go to the GP when my DH made an appointment for me but the nature of my psychosis led me to refuse help (I was obsessed with making people think I had it together). But I think this time around it's just life is rubbish. I think its rubbish for everyone. I am not unlike any other mum of young kids trapped in a house, or any other mum without family support whose career has died a death. With my PND, I couldnt see through it all. With this, I can clearly see what has happened. I just cant seem to do much about it. All my control is gone. Being stuck inside has fried my stamina and the 'get on with it' attitude I always had. Its just endless, and I dont know how to get 'me' back. I dont think I can.

You post made me cry - it's like reading my own experience almost word for word. I have children slightly older than yours- 5years and 16months, homeschooling the eldest whilst working part time as a teacher (full time really at the moment) with a husband who works out of the house for long hours.

I too feel like I have lost myself-I felt this before the last year and lockdowns have just intensified this feeling. The mental load of being a mother is tough at the best of times and these times we are in now are the worst. I have no answers for you, although would think about pnd. I suffered horribly during the first lockdown when my lo was about 4 months old but got early help, having recognised the feeling from having my first. However, at the moment I feel so low I do question whether it ever really went away. The support I had from my hv team was amazing though and I was able to access counselling through the peri-natal mental health service.

I echo that feeling of looking at others who are seemingly free-er, thinner, more successful and wondering how my life became what it is. It seems so far away due to covid and the children being young, but it has helped me to think of longer term goals to make myself feel better. Some days they seem impossible but I think it is good to hope. I do think too that older children bring freedom-I found that we turned a corner when my eldest started school (before the little one came along).

Sending you best wishes and the knowledge that you are absolutely not alone

@user1471424488 sounds like we are 2 peas in a pod. I hate looking at people and thinking 'how have I got here? I chose this, yet also feel like I didnt'. I think I naively thought I could have it all; career, social life (even if it was softplay), kids, my hair blow dried, a slim waist. Instead I see my mother when I look in the mirror. Thats not the worst thing, she is a brilliant woman, but she was so knackered for so long and never put herself first. She spent 20 years being Mum and not much else. Its just so all consuming, and now with covid I dont even have anyone to moan about my tantrum throwing toddler to. Its so isolating.

I kind of know I have some form of depression. I keep crying so hard I gasp for breath and I struggle to keep things in focus, but I think most parents are like this at the minute arent they? This is our normal at the minute. Its circumstantial, and will hopefully pass ..... maybe once pandemic eases I will be able to look in the mirror a bit more and figure out how to get me back.

You haven't lost yourself for good, you've merely misplaced your idea of yourself in a drawer somewhere.

As others say your children are very small - no parent worth their salt is the same person in the baby and toddler phase as they were when they were completely commitment free - its a nonsense to expect that, and you'd be a terrible parent if you were.

We change throughout life - you'll be as different at 38 as you are now from your 22 year old self.

You're your own creation - two dress sizes can be lost in 6 months if you want, and your children will be school aged in a few years.

I retrained completely between the ages of 42 and 45 and have a new career, and I've gone down 4 sizes in the last 8 months.

Life is change. You stop changing when you're dead.

The only mistake is getting into a catastrophising mind set. Stop it. You're 30, you've barely started and can change any way you want as ling as you think medium term and don't expect everything instantly.

It does get better OP. When my DD was 3 months I definitely had pretty much nothing going for me - was a complete frumpy mess.
Now she's closer to school age, I've managed to claw back some of my career progress.. things will be loads better once you can access a variety of childcare post pandemic, and many many women take a few years out until kids are school aged and then relaunch their careers.
Even the weight will slowly come off once you're ready to address it but with 2 little ones it is understandable its a low priority now.

[quote TwirpingBird]@user1471424488 sounds like we are 2 peas in a pod. I hate looking at people and thinking 'how have I got here? I chose this, yet also feel like I didnt'. I think I naively thought I could have it all; career, social life (even if it was softplay), kids, my hair blow dried, a slim waist. Instead I see my mother when I look in the mirror. Thats not the worst thing, she is a brilliant woman, but she was so knackered for so long and never put herself first. She spent 20 years being Mum and not much else. Its just so all consuming, and now with covid I dont even have anyone to moan about my tantrum throwing toddler to. Its so isolating.

I kind of know I have some form of depression. I keep crying so hard I gasp for breath and I struggle to keep things in focus, but I think most parents are like this at the minute arent they? This is our normal at the minute. Its circumstantial, and will hopefully pass ..... maybe once pandemic eases I will be able to look in the mirror a bit more and figure out how to get me back.[/quote]
Most parents yes. Most fathers? I doubt it.

Please please don't beat yourself up.
Things change as the children grown. It won't be like this forever. Plan what you want to do. And go for it. Don't let anything stop you.

I retrained at 38. You have so much potential.

Sorry, wrong thread!
But kinda same advice

I promise you this is a phase in your life and it will pass. It will actually pass so quickly that you will realise how brief a period of our entire lives is spent in the drudgery of raising young children.

Like you, in my twenties I got a degree from a brilliant uni, I worked abroad, travelled widely, set up my own company and did well in a very competitive profession. Then kids and years of shivering in playparks, mopping up sick and being so tired I couldn't remember my own name.

You feel like you vanish but you don't, I promise you. You'll get yourself back. Meanwhile, best three things I learned:

1.) Life is never the same after having children. Don't try to get your old life back - make your new life the bast it can be. Really enjoy the time with your DC - enjoy teaching them skills, making them giggle, doing things with them you used to love in childhood, learning new stuff because they love it.

2.) Don't wait to take care of yourself. Do it now. Start with a glass of water right now. Then add - online. (I've just linked to three of them here. There are even some toning videos using toddlers as weights, that are really good fun. Make a list of your favourite nutritious foods and base your meals around them.

3.) Take some small steps to get your life back. You can't work now, but you could look into setting up as a freelancer in your old profession and start finding out about rates, contracts, possible clients so that once lockdown is over and DC are in school/nursery. Instead of vegging in front of TV when DC are in bed, make a list of 100 films you really want to watch and work through them. Do the same with novellas or poems or non fiction books or articles - nothing too arduous but just some short things that use your brain like before. Try to have interesting discussions with DH about things other than the children - world news, books you are reading etc.

I totally understand how you feel and feel so similar too!

I basically just had a panic attack in the playground so came home.

I think I need to:

Eat more healthy
Stop watching the news
Reduce work load
Increase kids TV time
Pluck my eyebrows!
Wear nicer clothes
Do some yoga
Ask my OH to do more with the kids
Watch nice things on tv instead of creepy series

@OverTheRainbow88

I totally understand how you feel and feel so similar too!

I basically just had a panic attack in the playground so came home.

I think I need to:

Eat more healthy
Stop watching the news
Reduce work load
Increase kids TV time
Pluck my eyebrows!
Wear nicer clothes
Do some yoga
Ask my OH to do more with the kids
Watch nice things on tv instead of creepy series

Oh my God you are me! Although admittedly my DH does a lot when he is home, but he isnt home a lot. I have stopped watching the news and stopped facebook and Instagram in december. I do feel better for it

Also 30, also feel like you.

I think they're are people who will see you and be surprised you feel like that. On the face of it people probably think you are doing well, look good etc. We're our harshest critics.

I often wonder what happened to my punchiness, I just feel drab and gruby all the time. Even if I do get to put better clothes on and I'm clean I just feel second rate, you know?

I have a 2 year old and I'm reluctant to have another so I can reclaim my old self a bit in the coming years.

You have a tiny baby, please go easy on yourself.