Cousins son might be getting taken away, I want to help but....

[wanttohelp123]

So my cousins has a nearly 3 year old little boy.

From the start her and the baby's dad was in a toxic relationship. Once the baby was born he was very physically abusing towards her. Anyway that ended, police, social services involved. She had to move areas to be away from him she had a restraining order against him. However he was allowed to see his son in a contact centre once a week. He was doing this but then all of a sudden stopped.

So when her son was nearing 2 she had to go to court ( I don't know the reason why, we was never told) and her son was so close to getting taken away from her. She had to go to a refuge and be monitored in her parenting and stuff and the courts decided she was able to keep her son.

Fast forward to now it's happening again only this time she's told me it's because the baby's dad has contacted her using a number she isn't familiar with and she's replied back to the texts apparently not knowing it's him. So this is apparently the reason they want to take her son away which me and other family's members can't see being a reason. If it possibly could be and we are wrong if someone could let me know.

She has asked me if I would be able to take her son, if they take him away from her. Of course I said yes. I've had social services ringing me daily to come and do an assessment on me to see if I can have him. I really want to do this, I want to help him. I have a nearly 2 year old myself and the difference between them is strange. I know all kids are different but my little one is so loud and outgoing and social and hers, he's so in himself (if that makes sense) he doesn't talk yet, he doesn't interact with you at all. There is just something about him and I don't know what it is.

This might make me sound like a bitch and a horrible person but I don't think I can look after him. I've been told by social workers it will be till he's 18 possibly! I have family members who look after my son whilst I work and they would struggle looking after the two. I do really want to help, I don't want to see him taken away from our family but I really don't know what to do!!!

Has anyone been in this situation?!

Please don't come at me for questioning what to do.

I'm not in the situation but please stand your ground. Your great kindness is to help and advocate, but you cannot take the child yourself and that's that. She should not have put you in this position.

Call social services, say you were pressured and are not able to take on the child. Ask for their advice as to what happens next.

Its hard. That child is going to need a lot of additional support. Can you do this? Obvs it would be better to be looked after by family than the state as you’re likely to do a better job, but you need to think about you and DS. Do you have a partner?

No judgement at all, this is a huge commitment.

You obviously need to consider how he may have been traumatized and get professional advice on how that may affect him, behaviour and how he feels. That will make him harder to deal with but also affect daily life for your child.

You need to find out if the father knows where you live, and whether he might appear.

Saying the above, he is very young and the way he is could improve once he is in a safe home with you. You obviously have his best interests at heart.

I believe you get an allowance paid to you if you foster a child. Would that money cover child care for when you work?
Sorry you’re in this situation

It could well be that not placing the child with you is safest for him. Tell children's services exactly what murbblurb has posted.

Yes it is very sad, but the best interests of the child must remain central.

No way would they be able to remove a child for her just responding to a text on a number she didn't know. Firstly most would just ask who is this and then stop communication or it was a violent ex. It sounds like damage may have been done to his development. Go on the adoption board to see more information about what impact the first couple of years can have on a child long term, it can be huge and take a lot more parental support to start to repair some of the gaps in the care they have missed. It is a lot to take on so please don't feel obliged to, make an informed decision.

I would say your cousin is not being completely truthful with you. SS are not just taking her son away because she replied to some texts. They have had significant concerns before and she is obviously back in contact with the father.

As to whether you should take the child - it’s a huge decision. Do you have a partner/husband? He would have to be completely on board. How would it affect your son? You have already noticed there are some issues with your cousin’s child - he will potentially need a lot of support.

You have to ask yourself if he honestly might be better off being with experienced foster carers and potentially being adopted.

It’s really hard and you are totally right to think long and hard.

There is no shame in not being able to take on someone else's child, especially one that may have special needs and/or has been impacted by trauma. Your child has to be your first priority.

Absolutely no judgement if you cannot take this on. It's a huge commitment.

But the above poster is correct about funding. If it's practicalities and finances you can have this discussion with the social worker. You can ask for childcare to be provided and even respite.

The best thing to do is realise if you cannot take this on - that's ok.
But if you can take it on with a support package you can certainly bring that to the table.

If they say no - so can you

It sounds like more than you can take on tbh.

Also I agree that this child might do better with a fresh start away from his family. It is not clear why your cousin is really losing custody, but it sounds like she keeps letting her abusive ex back into her life. This situation is liable to affect both you and your DN if he is with you.

Sounds like you need to talk to SS about what support they would offer, what the concerns are etc, so you can make an informed decision. It is likely they would be looking at you looking after your cousins child on a SGO, this often means no extra funding and support can be more difficult to access than if he was in foster care or adopted. You also need to consider the impact on your child and your family support. Would your cousin be allowed contact, would you need to facilitate this? There are lots of things to think about and consider.
Talk to SS and share your concerns. They will want the child in a placement that will be stable for him

@FlibbertyGiblets

It could well be that not placing the child with you is safest for him. Tell children's services exactly what murbblurb has posted.

Yes it is very sad, but the best interests of the child must remain central.

This is exactly what other family members have said. He may be better going to a completely different family.

It breaks my heart it really does.

@Livinginatree

No way would they be able to remove a child for her just responding to a text on a number she didn't know. Firstly most would just ask who is this and then stop communication or it was a violent ex. It sounds like damage may have been done to his development. Go on the adoption board to see more information about what impact the first couple of years can have on a child long term, it can be huge and take a lot more parental support to start to repair some of the gaps in the care they have missed. It is a lot to take on so please don't feel obliged to, make an informed decision.

Exactly. We've all said we don't believer this to be the reason. There must something that's fine on for this to happen but she won't tell us. She's adamant it just about the texts between them. For me or any other family member to help her we need to know the real reason!

I am so sorry.

One thing I will say- if you did take him, expect SS to wash their hands very quickly afterwards, forget about financial help/kinship carer allowance if he comes to you from her and isn’t “in care” at any point, they will point blank refuse to take any responsibility to help financially.

Hi I am a foster carer and 100% can tell you no judge would grant removal based just on text messages!

If you were to take your cousins son you can ask for a fostering allowance. Also the LO would be entitled to 30 hours funding if he is 3 as children who are in care are entitled to this.

You need to be firm and tell social services what you would require to help support you being able to take lo. They can help purchase beds ect, move home if needed and support you financially.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask and I wish you all the best for whatever route you decide is best for you all x

This is terribly sad, and you are being incredibly kind, but it might be in his best interests to have a fresh start elsewhere.

You would get a fostering allowance, but I also know that my friend who did family fostering also ended up having to drop her hours significantly, because her nephew needed a lot of appointments with specialist support, and wasn't ok to be left at childcare for full days.

It was good of you to want to help, and if it can work out that's really great as outcomes are usually better if children stay with families in some way, but if you aren't in a position to do so, that's ok and it's best you identify it early rather than later, and he has to go through another traumatic move.

I don't think your cousin has been truthful with you about the extent of the concerns.

You can still support the child by having contact when you can without being the main carer. It's a huge commitment to take in an extra child and no one will judge you if it isn't possible.

One of the big things to consider in this situation is - could you turn your cousin away from your door if she turns up outwith the times she's planned (if SS limit her contact with him)?

How would it affect your relationship with the rest of your family if it gets angry or bitter?

Two two-year-olds is a hard graft. Especially in the current climate.

You need to be brutally honest with social services about what you can offer, what you expect and what they want. Don't assume anything when it comes to SS. Some social workers are amazing, but some will wash their hands asap. We were promised the world when DN stayed with us - none of it materialised.

What a shit situation OP, not much to say other than please don't beat yourself up. You can still be in his life if he is adopted elsewhere and just remember that if you choose not to take him it is and he is placed into care, it would be the parents at fault for not prioritising their child properly and not yours for making that call. Sending hugs

I’d really recommend having a look at the Fostering board under “Becoming a Parent”.

I recall similar circumstances in a thread there. The OP realised that they would not be able to provide the child with the support they needed.

Even if they are put into care, you could look at staying in contact with your nephew. Social Services would want reassurance that it would not lead to contact with anyone that should not be in touch with him.

There will be more to it than texting an unknown number. It may be that your cousin is thinking of getting back together with the ex and social services are warning her away from that by using some scare tactics of where it could ultimately lead.

It’s not easy but you have to do what’s right for you as anything else would mean you can’t give the child the right care and attention that they need. That’s no good for anyone involved.

I agree out of family as an only child or experienced foster carers are likely going to best with him.

Agree she is not being straight with you. She is still in contact with her abusive ex and not putting her ds wellbeing first. By putting pressure on you to take him it is likely she, and potentially other family members, will try to find ways around any contact restrictions, not fair on your family or your dn. if you feel unable to commit to safeguarding him under those conditions better to tell SS now so he can be placed elsewhere.